3rd of Sept

The separation of two souls has reached a year; from the first day of it until the 369th of it, a lot of things have changed, and the images, the memories of us being together would definitely be locked away in your never-opened trunk.

Within this sorrow gap of time, the wound have stopped its bleed, things are going back to normal. The journey had led me to a few rose buds, which could bloom into beautiful roses, yet, nothing occurs. The solitary mind draws a barrier around and drown who's inside with loneliness, where the sense of belonging remains irrelevant. 

When a rose was plucked out of the soil, time will assure that the empty space will be filled. Then again, things could never be the same, as there will always be some traces left behind. Perhaps, life wasn't intended to be the same as before, it should be an improved version of the past. Sadly, words could came without much strength and actions, reality requires the fulfillment of requirements, especially the will, which could not be founded up until present time.

As if the mist on the glass, time blurs the pictures and the memories. However, what's known will remain known regardless how blur it gets, and the feeling remains as if the knowledge of the known. 

Solid evidences of the existence of our shared life should be removed, as some were, by a caring mother. Still, it is still preferred for the others to be kept, instead of being removed; the weight of heart increased, and stopped the intention of such act; they are kept, even knowing that they could never see the light again...

There's no more "if only...", just as there's no more hoping for future, with the excuse of passing things into God's hands. However, what's clear is the feeling - loneliness, which never left ever since that day. 

"I miss you. But I know it is just an one-way-route."

Evening at 6

Evening 6.23, part of the surface is golden in color, while people passes by, on wheels or on feet. Sight upon the lake would as if there is a blurry world in it; it is blur, yet it could be seen and recognized; it is similar to the real, yet it is known to be untouchable and unreachable.

When flock of birds are flying over the surface, a flock of birds are blurry seen to be flying within the lake. A blurry self is to be seen within the lake, resulted from an imaginary picture of one standing beside the surface. It is just a mere reflection. That is clearly known. However, never ever, a reflection would be taken with such attention, nor could it be influential as such as well.

Affected within, yet the effect couldn't be clearly defined. Clearly affected, still the reasons are unknown...

Passed by, bicycles that come in team of two to three. The ease doesn't seem to be affected, even while the bikes passed in pairs, parallel to each other. The lone pair of feet, and the single shoulder, just aren't sufficient to be an ease-factor, even with the soft invisible velvet of nature resting on me.

Slowly, every bricks stepped and passed has spots of water on it, as droplets start to fall from the end of hair, and chin. Slowly, the steps taken become smaller and smaller. An act or reluctant from the body could clearly be seen, however, an act of determination from the mind exhibits its existence as well.

"Tired. Yes, I am tired. However, it doesn't mean that I have give in and give up. This lone pair of legs on the brick road, resembles the loneliness within. This single shoulder and the ease of being passed by, exhibits the insufficient of self, the need of you. 

Reflection is but a mirage, an illusion, which is what the hope carried within could be. "Unreachable", "untouchable", and "unrealizable". They are no longer being pushed aside. They are being accepted. It is foolishness indeed. However, foolishness resulted from the will, the will of defending the belief towards the future picture is something self-willing to live with."

Evening 6.55, shoes are being opened and entrance is being faced. A smile is drew, replacing before. Before the iron gate is closed, a glimpse towards the slow-darkening sky, another imaginary picture of a pair could be seen. And with whisper, the gate is closed.

"The fool tried to not-to-be one and he knows he could. However, could doesn't mean wish; decision was reconsidered, and the same is made..."

I Knew It

I knew it,

the situation's need;

I knew it,

self happiness' seed;

I really knew it,

from long ago, I just knew it...

I knew,

the need, to climb out from this pit,

I knew,

the need, to take this healing remedy,

I knew all these, and their importance for myself. I knew no matter what, things couldn't be changed anymore. I weren't hoping for the impossible, not for things to change. I am just hoping for her to be able to fulfill this blank of her size in my heart, for her to come back and let us in love again...

I knew regardless of how much I regret, how much I cried, how much I drown myself in this sorrow, she would not care. She would, care as a friend, instead of being the role of her in my heart, the role that I gave her long ago, the role that was already determined from that day I kneel in front of her...

I knew that imagination and reality are different, and I'm just being caught up in this self-created imagination, self-rejected reality. No matter how much pain it caused and causes to me, I just take it as a sign that I loved and love her, and continue to climb out of this pit, to fulfill those needs...

I knew that everyone is hoping for me to be able to do that, and I knew the "everyone" includes her as well. That's why I continued to crawl and climb, regardless of how many times I slipped and fell. However, I'm very tired now, very tired indeed...

I knew the answer of my question about the time I need to let her go totally is unseen, but realizable. However, I just refuse to realize it. I would climb out of all these, however, inside of me, there will always this blank of her size, which is irreplaceable by others that come in my future...for I want to let her know something, even if her future is not meant to be with me anymore.

"I love you. I didn't know how long this feeling could last under such circumstances. It is not you that I have no confidence in, nor do I mind even if this feeling bears no fruit at all, just I couldn't make an estimation of my own lifespan. It's stupid of me, I knew that. 

Now, I'm smiling, with the coldness feeling on both of my cheeks. I've no longer know what I'm feeling now, however, I know that could be recover in time. In fact, everything could be faded off in time. But certain things will not, those happy moments left by you in my life, those smiles of yours, and those tears of yours which I caused. 

No matter what, I would always be here for you. I knew it's too late but it's on my own will, for I want you to know, if you ever feel ignored, lonely, lost, and sad, there will still a person on your back, pushing you, supporting you. However, I just hope that will not happen to you anymore...

Frankly, even if He gives me another chance to be with you, I may not take that up anymore. It's not because I don't want you anymore, it's not that I don't love you anymore. Do you still remember what I told you in the past? That I will love you forever... I won't take up the chance cause I fear that I may bruise your heart again, that I didn't know how to love you, even I know that I would give up everything to learn how. Just, I don't want to be so selfish anymore...

Just like before, the fingers were loosen, for I know you will be happier that way, for I could imagine your smile in my head. I love you forever, and if forever is unrealistic, then, let the time be the time I take my last breathe... Take care and let these words be of invisible, from your eyes, as well as your ears, just like me, an invisible guardian for you.

Don't worry about me. I will keep myself in top condition, no matter what. And I would start, by continuing this climb. I'm tough what! Hehe ^^  "

Invisble Cloud

"Bye. Take care."

The words been typed to her, as well as my sister; last words out of my finger-tips that symbolized an ending to a conversation or a journey of two individuals, two hearts; initial words of unknown time of waiting, missing, and extra for her, an initial for bruises and pain...

These days, the thoughts and emotions are just like the cottons in sky. They could last for a distance of time, or vanish in minutes. They could block the sunshine within, bringing the rain along, or unfold a scene of rainbow and sunshine. They could also be shaped differently by surrounding, to be a form of motivation or the way around. Either way, they remain unseen by others and myself; invisible clouds, which could only be pictured through feeling and realization. 

Occasionally, a same sentence was given to me. A sentence that shows the difference of or changing wants in life. The first she mentioned to me before it ended, which was not being taken seriously by me that time. The second she told me that, as the reason for her times of ending in relationships. And it lays an important question for me to think about and answer: am I able to fulfill the wants?

Showered with tears, shadowed by depression... I didn't really take some time to think about this question at all until now. And it just seems that this ending of me and her was not a wrong thing as well. It hurts for that to be said, but she did have a point, for I were not able to fulfill her wants previously or even now. The promises I made to her, most probably were just lies to bring her back. Sorry, I were selfish.

Honestly, even if she came back that time, this whole thing will most probably be taking a U-turn back to the breaking point. And am I still willing to see her go through those tortures, those lies and pain? I would just answer that with the feeling I have for her, the love I have for her: I will not want that to happen to her again...

She must felt all alone, ignored, or even fear sometimes, while she was in my arms. Her tears, those came out or hidden within, weren't wipe off by me, like I promised. And to make things even worse, I were the one who caused all these to her, even though I promised to never let her drop a single drop of tears. Words that I said, were just a bottle with nothing inside. If he was referring me as the grave, he was right.

Thanks to him, she will no longer feel those feelings of not-being-loved. I apologize for even laying blame on him at the first place, for I don't deserve her at all. This breaking, for her is a right choice, as for me, it is a lesson or an opportunity for me to reevaluate myself. 

It was there. The picture of us holding hands together, with white hair is still there. However, the picture is made out of us carrying the sweetest smile, emitting happiness to whoever is watching it. It is certainly not what she was feeling. And if she could show that smile with him, without me in the picture. Then, let the picture in me be torn apart. 

I am not exchanging my tears for her, nor am I making any noble sacrifices here. It's just I know, after I cried, after I suffered, a better me will be born. And who knows? The picture of mine could be left intact after all? ^^

"Cloud might change, you might change, so am I. However, one thing will never change. You'll always be in my heart, as whatever role given by time and fate. I love you, that's how I feel for you now. Take care and bye..."     

Fall of Drops

Drops were falling from above. Shattered upon contact, and splashes were made. From few to more, the painting started to have its colors spread in spots, became a total mess, unrecognizable minutes after.

The peace on the inside vanished, along the changes occurred on the outside. Depression came to play, the appetite just got substituted. Picture of one got soaked, with the probability of getting sick, and picture of one leaning on another's shoulder, with the probability of being held closely, were played repetitively as a slide show with no stopping. A cocktail of emotions was made, with one known substance as the body.

It was thought to be jealousy or anger would be the body. Personally, the same came into mind as well. However, these products of the second picture won no places in what was being felt. 2nd and 3rd were removed; the gold, silver, bronze medals were given to the same, the only product of the first...

The eyes were kept on outside, so did the mind. The urge to get hold on an umbrella got stronger. The intention to pass the mobile shelter bloomed and grew. Prayers and hopes started, to take their turns to be staged: for a 45-minutes pause on the falling rain, just to allow one to get home; for one to remain sheltered and dry, just to wait for a stop. 

Presentation of reality started to get hold. Who am I but a nobody that could no longer care. With my own hands, the responsibility were passed to other. Questions and contradictions started to make their appearances. Why didn't this feeling in past ain't as strong as now? Why would this feeling appear now, when it was seen that there was no love, earlier today? Why couldn't this pair of eyes and this mind be controlled in a more selfish way?  

Neither were clear in mind. The decision made crumbled. What was thought seemed to be just another self-made fraud. Feeling thought to have gone could no longer be remained as a fact. The hypothesis needed to be proven again. Is it really as what's in mind or the hypothesis was already proven to remain as it is, not able to be a theory?    

Ridiculous hopes were made again but the drops from both aboves could only fall downwards. Time only passes forwards, and there will never be an undo or rewind button that could be pressed on... Impossibles that being hoped, are just causes for usage of the words like "Ridiculous" and "Stupid"! The dreams had that drew a smile on face these days, are nothing but a fool's dreams!

Splashes stopped. Drops cling on leaves and flowers. The messy painting was being restored. Everything became clear on the outside. However, outside is outside, it will never be inside. Either way, fingers were crossed, for one to be cold-free and healthy, with no knowledge of her condition... 

         

Mid Autumn

Light by light, switched off at this time. House by house, peace and quiet is regained. And lantern by lantern, its brightness dimmed; the curtain has fallen on this festive day. It is three hours passed the mooncake festival; it is 3:26am, on 23th of September 2010...

It was the first time for me to not celebrating in my hometown. It was the first time for me to ever call up my grandma and parents, wishing them through phone. And definitely, it was the first time ever for me to not be able to call you up, asking you to look upon the same moon, as I did in past; it was something that I never expected to have happened, perhaps I'm taking you for granted, perhaps I'm over-confident, or perhaps...I already know who am I going to share my future with...

In pairs and groups, people passed by. They carried a lantern in their hand, a smile on their face, and laughter in their conversations. Some, they have each other's hand in their own. Watching them, hearing their laughter, a weird feeling surfaced in me; it wasn't loneliness cause I was sitting together with friends, it wasn't jealousy cause I didn't feel the existence of any sourish thought. What was it then? Was it an emotion called "missing"? If yes, then why was it different from how I felt in past?

A question without answer. An issue that she would no longer care. I would be too, if I were in her shoes... However, it would be the best for this to be kept with myself. Even if she would care like she did in my dream, she would not be allowed to do so, cause one thing for certain, it wasn't something enjoyable...

Hours passed. From the four-walls with beds and closets, we moved to the four-walls with cues and pool tables. Our conversations ended between some of us, and those remained moved from verbal, to slightly more physical. 

Pushed open the glass door, a small "housing area" appeared in front of our eyes; the place was being occupied by people in groups and pairs...

It was not the first time for any of us to set foot in this place, but it was the first time for me to have this "personal experience". Chairs are made available beside each table, mainly for either spectators or supporters. As usual, ours are being unoccupied cause both of us are the players. However, I acted to be a two-characters; regardless of how short or long was my friend's turn, I would sit on the chair and stared at the table quietly, with a smile on face. 

 It was like an unconscious act; I didn't notice it until "Kissing You" was played and parts of the lyrics, which were displayed by both of them snapped me out. Very seldom I would be both a player and a spectator, and those time when I did, she would be sitting on one of those chairs back in my hometown; she would be the one who stared at the table quietly, with her sweet smile on her face...in past...

Unanswered questions started with what, how, why... They would most probably remain as unanswered for a long period of time...

Mid autumn festival or mooncake festival is the time when family and love ones come together. It is like a reunion day for Chinese, somewhat like all other festivals. There were folk tales about this festival, there were traditional practices on this day, which mostly known by me. But just when I thought I've known much about this very festival, an important point was being left out; it seems that mid autumn festival is also a day that allows people to realize more about themselves.

"Happy mid autumn."

These words were typed to be sent to someone special. However, the festival has passed and they just remained as a draft... I'm still emotionally-affected by her, my mind is still being occupied by her images, but I would not remove them, even though she's already out of my life. It's not that I'm still hoping to get her back or refusing to face the cruelty of reality like before, it's just... I still love her...

"Happy belated mid autumn to you. May the sweet smile be kept on your face until the rest of time, and all the best in your exam hours later."              

Times like this

It's times like this, where one will feel the pain.

It's times like this, where one will carry tears in vein.

It's times like this, one will want a heart without affection. Hopes for the rainbow after rain bloom within the heart, as one longs for the freedom from pain and sorrow.

Narrowed path left one with single direction, reluctant to take the route would just leave one standing. Struggle occurs when hopes to be pushed by time and fear of forgetting stand together in a row.

Under such circumstances, one may get himself chained with thorns and toll his body towards the exit; the addictiveness to pain is born as it is the only thing that links one to her.

It's times like this, one will be as if living in the hell of love.

It's times like this, one will pray for His hand but when He comes, the picture that is not her turns one's head away...

It's times like this, one will be of a fallen angel; being left with nothing but torments, yet still having the wings to fly over and look over her silently.

It was him who didn't cherish her and let her slips through his fingers. It was him who sent her to the arms of others...

It's times like this, one will only realize the importance and be regret. It's times like this, where everything is too late. He knows it's times like this, where he couldn't change a thing. He realizes it's times like this, where he should be moving on...

"It's true that you lived in hell and I were the devil, who was restraining you. I didn't deserve you at all."

"I would cover the grave dug and build a house for us above it. I would create a heaven for you and be the guardian angel only for you."

"However...it's times like this, where I should let you go for you to be cherished, for you to be loved by someone far better than me."

"Let my foolishness be of a guidance. Let my tears be the prayers. Let the pain in me be the pedals on the path to happiness."

Familiar Stranger

For days, I've been noticing your name in my contact list. And finally, I pushed myself to approach you, to wish you in your up-coming exams but who ever know? The things I have in mind, the things I'm afraid of, happens; a girl that I love, someone who was in a relationship with me, just seems to be such a stranger...

Your reply is so brief, as if my name shouldn't appear as the one finding you. Why? Just why things have to be this way? I love you, and you LOVED me, how come I feel myself is being like a stranger to you? You just wouldn't open up to me like back then, before we were together. The treatment, is colder and more hurtful than cold treatment... Am I worst than your friends in your eyes? Am I a tumor in your life, which you wish to remove?

It's alright... Let the tears fall until its last drop, I could still stand on both of my feet and continue to carry out my desire; to support, to protect, to observe, like an invisible guardian angel only for you...

It's Alright

I just hope to get your concern once more. I just hope to be able to feel your love once more. I just hope to know at least I have a spot in your heart... But I know for the you now, everything is too much to ask for; everything I did out of desperation will just end up as a dandelion, brought away by the blowing wind...

It hurts. It hurts more than everything that I ever felt. But it's ok... Everything is already too late but I just want you to know you're a part of me; you're not the limbs, nor the legs. Just lay your hand on to your chest, close up your beautiful eyes, and relax your mind; the beating you feel, its source are replaced by you inside of me...I just want you to know, I'll always be the chest you lean on, the shoulder you cry on, whenever you need it. Just tell me, just let me know... ... 

A Song, A Mv, A Kind of Feeling

Watching this MV, I got myself stirring towards you, thinking of you, missing of you, letting myself know how much you mean to me; I love you. I still do, even when you asked me not to...

By now, you should know there's no a "switch-off" button for my love for you cause you are feeling the same or him... It hurts for me to tell but I know that it's him, not me...

It was me who have sent you away; I was a jerky fool, who didn't know how to cherish you, just like the guy in this MV. And I wish there are some ways I could make it up for you but it's just too late. It's ok though cause I believe if we're destined, we'll meet again and by that time, I'll not be that fool I used to be. Before that day arrives, your pictures would be your substitute in life... 

"Take care. I pray for your well-being and happiness. I miss you..."

Indefensible

It streams down while He didn't fully up yet. Is it out of joy to know you're happy or out of sadness to realize another day without you by my side? Who knows? Even if you know this, most probably, it will still remains as unknown...if you would care to know...

The Only Answer

Recalling what been said in the past "why I insisted on treating someone who treat me bad good?" The answer was within grasp all along but suddenly, have an urge to let it free from within: "No why...just like loving you, until now; there's no reason!"  

Untitled

"At least, I feel like being taken care of..."

This sentence stings me but I could see that you're really happy; something that I didn't see or feel from you for quite some time, something that you carried when we first being together. I'm smiling, knowing that at least, you're happy...

"Actually, I swear I will take care of you if there's another chance."

It's just too late though... But who knows? We might come across each other again in future and by that time, I'll get you back and never let you slip through my fingers again; I'll never give any chance for you to feel sad or envy. However, I do hope that there's no need for me, for I don't want to see the smile that I miss vanishes from your face again. Please stay happy and healthy. If not, what I'm doing now will be a waste. I love you... 

^^

Rainbow after rain...