Evening at 6

Evening 6.23, part of the surface is golden in color, while people passes by, on wheels or on feet. Sight upon the lake would as if there is a blurry world in it; it is blur, yet it could be seen and recognized; it is similar to the real, yet it is known to be untouchable and unreachable.

When flock of birds are flying over the surface, a flock of birds are blurry seen to be flying within the lake. A blurry self is to be seen within the lake, resulted from an imaginary picture of one standing beside the surface. It is just a mere reflection. That is clearly known. However, never ever, a reflection would be taken with such attention, nor could it be influential as such as well.

Affected within, yet the effect couldn't be clearly defined. Clearly affected, still the reasons are unknown...

Passed by, bicycles that come in team of two to three. The ease doesn't seem to be affected, even while the bikes passed in pairs, parallel to each other. The lone pair of feet, and the single shoulder, just aren't sufficient to be an ease-factor, even with the soft invisible velvet of nature resting on me.

Slowly, every bricks stepped and passed has spots of water on it, as droplets start to fall from the end of hair, and chin. Slowly, the steps taken become smaller and smaller. An act or reluctant from the body could clearly be seen, however, an act of determination from the mind exhibits its existence as well.

"Tired. Yes, I am tired. However, it doesn't mean that I have give in and give up. This lone pair of legs on the brick road, resembles the loneliness within. This single shoulder and the ease of being passed by, exhibits the insufficient of self, the need of you. 

Reflection is but a mirage, an illusion, which is what the hope carried within could be. "Unreachable", "untouchable", and "unrealizable". They are no longer being pushed aside. They are being accepted. It is foolishness indeed. However, foolishness resulted from the will, the will of defending the belief towards the future picture is something self-willing to live with."

Evening 6.55, shoes are being opened and entrance is being faced. A smile is drew, replacing before. Before the iron gate is closed, a glimpse towards the slow-darkening sky, another imaginary picture of a pair could be seen. And with whisper, the gate is closed.

"The fool tried to not-to-be one and he knows he could. However, could doesn't mean wish; decision was reconsidered, and the same is made..."

Right Here Waiting For You

A familiar picture is being portraited through this song. I wish I could really sing it out to the desired you. However, I weren't allowed, restrained forcefully by my conscientious, which defend the smile of yours. 

"Right Here Waiting For You"...

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you...

Right here waiting, regardless of whatever that would come across in future... There's no need to question about the reason, there's no denying of this stupidity, just as there's no regret of these words. A smile, with a nod is the only reply recognized, the only repay needed.

Passing Time

Time passes in the same pace, regardless of what. However, sometimes, the feeling within will tell another thing; it's either time passes very fast or it flows slowly. 

There's a saying that "when one is happy, time flies but when one is sad, time tends to crawl." It is a common, all-agree statement. However, this is a statement of thought, instead of a statement of facts.

The same goes for everyone, both you and I. And not much has changed from the past, from this aspect. The only difference is the examples, instead of "us", now it's "you" and "I".

Not long before, time was like an egg. It gave a feeling that it didn't move at all, and the wish for it to move was so strong. The gaze upon escape was everything. 

Closer then, egg hatches to be a caterpillar, and it crawled slowly, fed upon inner strength instead of leaves. Improvement existed, accompanied by exhaustion.

Now, it morphs to be a pupa. Physically, it immobile but mentally, it is dreaming of flight and freedom. Awake, and both positives and negatives freezes it. Asleep, dreams regardless of which, propel it.

Future, it will be a butterfly. A pair that always flies around together is in the picture dreamt. However, time for it to fly is unknown. And the question includes, whether that stage will ever come.

"Time passes, regardless of what. As it passes, a lot of things changes. That is the effect of passing time. However, "a lot" is not "everything". Even if it is, what's in my prayers will has its core remained. What changes, would be just the words, not the content..."  

I Knew It

I knew it,

the situation's need;

I knew it,

self happiness' seed;

I really knew it,

from long ago, I just knew it...

I knew,

the need, to climb out from this pit,

I knew,

the need, to take this healing remedy,

I knew all these, and their importance for myself. I knew no matter what, things couldn't be changed anymore. I weren't hoping for the impossible, not for things to change. I am just hoping for her to be able to fulfill this blank of her size in my heart, for her to come back and let us in love again...

I knew regardless of how much I regret, how much I cried, how much I drown myself in this sorrow, she would not care. She would, care as a friend, instead of being the role of her in my heart, the role that I gave her long ago, the role that was already determined from that day I kneel in front of her...

I knew that imagination and reality are different, and I'm just being caught up in this self-created imagination, self-rejected reality. No matter how much pain it caused and causes to me, I just take it as a sign that I loved and love her, and continue to climb out of this pit, to fulfill those needs...

I knew that everyone is hoping for me to be able to do that, and I knew the "everyone" includes her as well. That's why I continued to crawl and climb, regardless of how many times I slipped and fell. However, I'm very tired now, very tired indeed...

I knew the answer of my question about the time I need to let her go totally is unseen, but realizable. However, I just refuse to realize it. I would climb out of all these, however, inside of me, there will always this blank of her size, which is irreplaceable by others that come in my future...for I want to let her know something, even if her future is not meant to be with me anymore.

"I love you. I didn't know how long this feeling could last under such circumstances. It is not you that I have no confidence in, nor do I mind even if this feeling bears no fruit at all, just I couldn't make an estimation of my own lifespan. It's stupid of me, I knew that. 

Now, I'm smiling, with the coldness feeling on both of my cheeks. I've no longer know what I'm feeling now, however, I know that could be recover in time. In fact, everything could be faded off in time. But certain things will not, those happy moments left by you in my life, those smiles of yours, and those tears of yours which I caused. 

No matter what, I would always be here for you. I knew it's too late but it's on my own will, for I want you to know, if you ever feel ignored, lonely, lost, and sad, there will still a person on your back, pushing you, supporting you. However, I just hope that will not happen to you anymore...

Frankly, even if He gives me another chance to be with you, I may not take that up anymore. It's not because I don't want you anymore, it's not that I don't love you anymore. Do you still remember what I told you in the past? That I will love you forever... I won't take up the chance cause I fear that I may bruise your heart again, that I didn't know how to love you, even I know that I would give up everything to learn how. Just, I don't want to be so selfish anymore...

Just like before, the fingers were loosen, for I know you will be happier that way, for I could imagine your smile in my head. I love you forever, and if forever is unrealistic, then, let the time be the time I take my last breathe... Take care and let these words be of invisible, from your eyes, as well as your ears, just like me, an invisible guardian for you.

Don't worry about me. I will keep myself in top condition, no matter what. And I would start, by continuing this climb. I'm tough what! Hehe ^^  "

Sentence(s)

One after another, feelings within were being portrayed through descriptions and articles. Every piece of work, maybe repetitive and similar. However, they exhibited the feeling carried at the very moment; feeling might be similar or same but the triggers are different, giving a totally different feeling. 

Not a talented writer, or not even a writer. Not totally free of mistakes, or not even totally creditable. Words used, sentences made, they are children of the feeling, feeling-made, and feeling-decided. It was true everyone of them hoped to be read by the dedicated person, then again, not so much. Perhaps, like mentioned, it is better this way...

Those feelings still linger within. No idea of when they will fade away. No idea of where they will lead to. Humans are filled with ignorance anyway, right? This article or list, or whatever it is called by others, shall act as a record, recording each and every feeling that couldn't really be put in a whole article. They maybe short, but they are true. They maybe less for now, but they may increase, as this is a constantly being updated list of sentence(s).

Sometimes, what short means the most and clearest...

Sentence(s) hidden within:

I miss you.

9.04 pm, 7th Oct 2010

Miss your hug, your smell, your hands, your everything.

2.08 pm, 8th Oct 2010

To you, take care and rest well.

7.33 pm, 8th Oct 2010

It hurts but I'm grateful for the smile to stay on you.

8.49 pm, 9th Oct 2010

Ain't the same without messages and phone calls from the special you.

1.00  pm, 10th Oct 2010

Love and miss, my daily partner for everyday.

11.55 pm, 10th Oct 2010

I love you and hope you're happy.

5.18 pm, 11th Oct 2010

Thought of you, a smile is born naturally, followed by some pain.

8,29 pm, 12th Oct 2010

I wish that you'll be back but the things you do, differs and hurts.
5.36 pm, 16th Oct 2010

Seeing us together in mind, fake is realized but a smile is still born.
5.10 pm, 17th Oct 2010

I'll still be here for you, regardless of the role.
10.46 pm, 17th Oct 2010

You're the last and first person ever across my mind, in the night and morning.
6.54 am, 19th Oct 2010

I miss you, am hoping to be able to have your smile in my life again.
12.54 am, 20th Oct 2010

You woke me up for another time, it's pain and sadness from dream but at least, it's you.
9.18 am, 20th Oct 2010

Miss you.
9.43 am, 21th Oct 2010

My heart pounces rapidly when I thought of calling you, a work of yesterday dream.
8.29 pm, 23th Oct 2010

Everytime see something of you and him, it hurts but I know, you're happy.
11.16 am, 24th Oct 2010

A simple phone call, but the one who was closest is like a stranger now.
8.16 pm, 24th Oct 2010

Dreamt about  you, and it just makes me wish to break the ice in between us more.
11.05 am, 25th Oct 2010

It stings, for me to act as if it's okay, but it's okay, for I know it's a need to get you back.
7.56 pm, 25th Oct 2010

Goodnight. I still love you and I will pray for your benefits.
2.53 am, 26th Oct 2010

I miss you and getting bit impatient, but I'll suppress it to enable a future with you.
9.56 am, 27th Oct 2010

A word "whatever",  a sign that you no longer care, a fact that I couldn't bear to admit.
4.46 pm, 27th Oct 2010

Dreamt about you again, woke up for times again, the feeling of missing you comes in pain.
9.07 am, 28th Oct 2010

I love you, I have lost sight of many things but I still love you.
1.01 am, 29th Oct 2010

Two months have you and him been together, two months plus have we broke, the pain may ease but the feeling remains.
11.41 pm, 29th Oct 2010

Hated but hate couldn't last, I miss you, girl.
10.28 am, 30th Oct 2010

This would be the boundary line, I love you, I miss you and I want you. However, most probably I won't mention these here anymore, for I'll tie myself up with many things else, for I know, I need walk pass this tight attachment to leave a space for you to join in. The date is as stated, but the feeling is beyond the date for sure.  
12.26 pm, 3rd Nov 2010

It was thought to be last post. Yet, when those pictures of you in his arms run through my eyes...
7.48 pm, 4th Nov 2010

Pain fills the thought, emptiness fills the heart, still, they're just part of the challenges of this road.
1.14 am, 5th Nov 2010

Still feeling this heartache caused, however, I would get nothing if I do nothing. I miss you.
6.33 pm, 7th Nov 2010

I love you.
1.45 am, 9th Nov 2010

It must sound scary but you are always in my head, including those days where I didn't post a thing and I just want to shout out that "Chee Hui Xin, I love you!"
11.58 pm, 12th Nov 2010

Sense of Loneliness lingers. Even though I have reached out, but the feeling for You remains. Sadly, You will never know.
4.43 am, 11th May 2011

Invisble Cloud

"Bye. Take care."

The words been typed to her, as well as my sister; last words out of my finger-tips that symbolized an ending to a conversation or a journey of two individuals, two hearts; initial words of unknown time of waiting, missing, and extra for her, an initial for bruises and pain...

These days, the thoughts and emotions are just like the cottons in sky. They could last for a distance of time, or vanish in minutes. They could block the sunshine within, bringing the rain along, or unfold a scene of rainbow and sunshine. They could also be shaped differently by surrounding, to be a form of motivation or the way around. Either way, they remain unseen by others and myself; invisible clouds, which could only be pictured through feeling and realization. 

Occasionally, a same sentence was given to me. A sentence that shows the difference of or changing wants in life. The first she mentioned to me before it ended, which was not being taken seriously by me that time. The second she told me that, as the reason for her times of ending in relationships. And it lays an important question for me to think about and answer: am I able to fulfill the wants?

Showered with tears, shadowed by depression... I didn't really take some time to think about this question at all until now. And it just seems that this ending of me and her was not a wrong thing as well. It hurts for that to be said, but she did have a point, for I were not able to fulfill her wants previously or even now. The promises I made to her, most probably were just lies to bring her back. Sorry, I were selfish.

Honestly, even if she came back that time, this whole thing will most probably be taking a U-turn back to the breaking point. And am I still willing to see her go through those tortures, those lies and pain? I would just answer that with the feeling I have for her, the love I have for her: I will not want that to happen to her again...

She must felt all alone, ignored, or even fear sometimes, while she was in my arms. Her tears, those came out or hidden within, weren't wipe off by me, like I promised. And to make things even worse, I were the one who caused all these to her, even though I promised to never let her drop a single drop of tears. Words that I said, were just a bottle with nothing inside. If he was referring me as the grave, he was right.

Thanks to him, she will no longer feel those feelings of not-being-loved. I apologize for even laying blame on him at the first place, for I don't deserve her at all. This breaking, for her is a right choice, as for me, it is a lesson or an opportunity for me to reevaluate myself. 

It was there. The picture of us holding hands together, with white hair is still there. However, the picture is made out of us carrying the sweetest smile, emitting happiness to whoever is watching it. It is certainly not what she was feeling. And if she could show that smile with him, without me in the picture. Then, let the picture in me be torn apart. 

I am not exchanging my tears for her, nor am I making any noble sacrifices here. It's just I know, after I cried, after I suffered, a better me will be born. And who knows? The picture of mine could be left intact after all? ^^

"Cloud might change, you might change, so am I. However, one thing will never change. You'll always be in my heart, as whatever role given by time and fate. I love you, that's how I feel for you now. Take care and bye..."     

Fall of Drops

Drops were falling from above. Shattered upon contact, and splashes were made. From few to more, the painting started to have its colors spread in spots, became a total mess, unrecognizable minutes after.

The peace on the inside vanished, along the changes occurred on the outside. Depression came to play, the appetite just got substituted. Picture of one got soaked, with the probability of getting sick, and picture of one leaning on another's shoulder, with the probability of being held closely, were played repetitively as a slide show with no stopping. A cocktail of emotions was made, with one known substance as the body.

It was thought to be jealousy or anger would be the body. Personally, the same came into mind as well. However, these products of the second picture won no places in what was being felt. 2nd and 3rd were removed; the gold, silver, bronze medals were given to the same, the only product of the first...

The eyes were kept on outside, so did the mind. The urge to get hold on an umbrella got stronger. The intention to pass the mobile shelter bloomed and grew. Prayers and hopes started, to take their turns to be staged: for a 45-minutes pause on the falling rain, just to allow one to get home; for one to remain sheltered and dry, just to wait for a stop. 

Presentation of reality started to get hold. Who am I but a nobody that could no longer care. With my own hands, the responsibility were passed to other. Questions and contradictions started to make their appearances. Why didn't this feeling in past ain't as strong as now? Why would this feeling appear now, when it was seen that there was no love, earlier today? Why couldn't this pair of eyes and this mind be controlled in a more selfish way?  

Neither were clear in mind. The decision made crumbled. What was thought seemed to be just another self-made fraud. Feeling thought to have gone could no longer be remained as a fact. The hypothesis needed to be proven again. Is it really as what's in mind or the hypothesis was already proven to remain as it is, not able to be a theory?    

Ridiculous hopes were made again but the drops from both aboves could only fall downwards. Time only passes forwards, and there will never be an undo or rewind button that could be pressed on... Impossibles that being hoped, are just causes for usage of the words like "Ridiculous" and "Stupid"! The dreams had that drew a smile on face these days, are nothing but a fool's dreams!

Splashes stopped. Drops cling on leaves and flowers. The messy painting was being restored. Everything became clear on the outside. However, outside is outside, it will never be inside. Either way, fingers were crossed, for one to be cold-free and healthy, with no knowledge of her condition...