I don't really know which title should I put for this, for I shouldn't be asking for an explanation nor should I be feeling disturbed or snapped, emotionally. However, I did and still am demanding those mentioned. However, I did and still being locked up in this confinement of guts-wrenching and heart-breaking feelings.


I wanted but I won't, asking about why would you prefer so for I know the question will most probably be left unanswered. More importantly, will it make any differences? It's true that the feeling that is conquering my heart is all negatives and the answer I predicted is because I'm an annoy-ment to you. However, even if the reply from you is exactly the same, I doubt it will put a "stop", all it does is just hurting myself...


...just like before, just like now.


The words are harmful and hurtful. I believe everyone will feel the same towards them. However, injury isn't always very painful until it is noticeable, especially small scratches like these, which will not even be felt without the adding of salt on it. Among all the censored wordings and sentences, only one hurts me the most, "she doesn't care a damn about you..."  It successfully slipped through the emotional barrier of mine and made me wonder the truthfulness of the sentence, for till now, you acted as if nothing have ever happened at all...


Perhaps I'm still the same fool as before, just more positive only cause I believe, and I still believe that we will be back together again, and this love story of us will have another new chapter, which will last till the rest of time. In this, the deeper me is saying, "You will do so only because of something else, you will not behave like that out of normal situation. The you I know, is not like this and will never be, no matter how you have changed." It is a belief, towards myself and you, something that will not be altered no matter what.


Regardless, those are self-issues, small issues, which will no longer disrupt my emotion once I lay the final word to this article. Answered or unanswered, it is not important, for this article is not meant to be questioning or demanding at all. However, I wrote this, with just one hope, hope that the words below could reach you and help you now and whenever you need it:


"Take care, both physically and mentally. Health in both is always the key to success. Stress could come in many forms, from different sources, now and future. However, it is never something that meant to torture or trouble someone, nothing ever is. Sufficient rest will do your physical and mental just fine.


Take a break sometimes, even for just a minutes or few, move around, look around, step out of your house, to the front yard... Who knows, you might see something you never notice. But for sure though, you will be both relaxed and charged up if you believe it could help.


You are not, and never will be alone. You still have your friends and your family. Talk to someone, share with others, and draws a smile at the very end of the conversation. Please believe that smile does help, in fact a lot in both physically and mentally.


Have faith, in yourself and your potential. Have faith, always...just like how others believe in you, just like your family, your friends, and your teachers. You will be fine, you will score for sure. Smile~ ^^ "


Thank you for giving me a chance to let all these out. Thank you for giving me a sense of concern and worry. Thank you. ^^


~The End~

Evening at 6

Evening 6.23, part of the surface is golden in color, while people passes by, on wheels or on feet. Sight upon the lake would as if there is a blurry world in it; it is blur, yet it could be seen and recognized; it is similar to the real, yet it is known to be untouchable and unreachable.

When flock of birds are flying over the surface, a flock of birds are blurry seen to be flying within the lake. A blurry self is to be seen within the lake, resulted from an imaginary picture of one standing beside the surface. It is just a mere reflection. That is clearly known. However, never ever, a reflection would be taken with such attention, nor could it be influential as such as well.

Affected within, yet the effect couldn't be clearly defined. Clearly affected, still the reasons are unknown...

Passed by, bicycles that come in team of two to three. The ease doesn't seem to be affected, even while the bikes passed in pairs, parallel to each other. The lone pair of feet, and the single shoulder, just aren't sufficient to be an ease-factor, even with the soft invisible velvet of nature resting on me.

Slowly, every bricks stepped and passed has spots of water on it, as droplets start to fall from the end of hair, and chin. Slowly, the steps taken become smaller and smaller. An act or reluctant from the body could clearly be seen, however, an act of determination from the mind exhibits its existence as well.

"Tired. Yes, I am tired. However, it doesn't mean that I have give in and give up. This lone pair of legs on the brick road, resembles the loneliness within. This single shoulder and the ease of being passed by, exhibits the insufficient of self, the need of you. 

Reflection is but a mirage, an illusion, which is what the hope carried within could be. "Unreachable", "untouchable", and "unrealizable". They are no longer being pushed aside. They are being accepted. It is foolishness indeed. However, foolishness resulted from the will, the will of defending the belief towards the future picture is something self-willing to live with."

Evening 6.55, shoes are being opened and entrance is being faced. A smile is drew, replacing before. Before the iron gate is closed, a glimpse towards the slow-darkening sky, another imaginary picture of a pair could be seen. And with whisper, the gate is closed.

"The fool tried to not-to-be one and he knows he could. However, could doesn't mean wish; decision was reconsidered, and the same is made..."

Right Here Waiting For You

A familiar picture is being portraited through this song. I wish I could really sing it out to the desired you. However, I weren't allowed, restrained forcefully by my conscientious, which defend the smile of yours. 

"Right Here Waiting For You"...

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you...

Right here waiting, regardless of whatever that would come across in future... There's no need to question about the reason, there's no denying of this stupidity, just as there's no regret of these words. A smile, with a nod is the only reply recognized, the only repay needed.

Passing Time

Time passes in the same pace, regardless of what. However, sometimes, the feeling within will tell another thing; it's either time passes very fast or it flows slowly. 

There's a saying that "when one is happy, time flies but when one is sad, time tends to crawl." It is a common, all-agree statement. However, this is a statement of thought, instead of a statement of facts.

The same goes for everyone, both you and I. And not much has changed from the past, from this aspect. The only difference is the examples, instead of "us", now it's "you" and "I".

Not long before, time was like an egg. It gave a feeling that it didn't move at all, and the wish for it to move was so strong. The gaze upon escape was everything. 

Closer then, egg hatches to be a caterpillar, and it crawled slowly, fed upon inner strength instead of leaves. Improvement existed, accompanied by exhaustion.

Now, it morphs to be a pupa. Physically, it immobile but mentally, it is dreaming of flight and freedom. Awake, and both positives and negatives freezes it. Asleep, dreams regardless of which, propel it.

Future, it will be a butterfly. A pair that always flies around together is in the picture dreamt. However, time for it to fly is unknown. And the question includes, whether that stage will ever come.

"Time passes, regardless of what. As it passes, a lot of things changes. That is the effect of passing time. However, "a lot" is not "everything". Even if it is, what's in my prayers will has its core remained. What changes, would be just the words, not the content..."  

I Knew It

I knew it,

the situation's need;

I knew it,

self happiness' seed;

I really knew it,

from long ago, I just knew it...

I knew,

the need, to climb out from this pit,

I knew,

the need, to take this healing remedy,

I knew all these, and their importance for myself. I knew no matter what, things couldn't be changed anymore. I weren't hoping for the impossible, not for things to change. I am just hoping for her to be able to fulfill this blank of her size in my heart, for her to come back and let us in love again...

I knew regardless of how much I regret, how much I cried, how much I drown myself in this sorrow, she would not care. She would, care as a friend, instead of being the role of her in my heart, the role that I gave her long ago, the role that was already determined from that day I kneel in front of her...

I knew that imagination and reality are different, and I'm just being caught up in this self-created imagination, self-rejected reality. No matter how much pain it caused and causes to me, I just take it as a sign that I loved and love her, and continue to climb out of this pit, to fulfill those needs...

I knew that everyone is hoping for me to be able to do that, and I knew the "everyone" includes her as well. That's why I continued to crawl and climb, regardless of how many times I slipped and fell. However, I'm very tired now, very tired indeed...

I knew the answer of my question about the time I need to let her go totally is unseen, but realizable. However, I just refuse to realize it. I would climb out of all these, however, inside of me, there will always this blank of her size, which is irreplaceable by others that come in my future...for I want to let her know something, even if her future is not meant to be with me anymore.

"I love you. I didn't know how long this feeling could last under such circumstances. It is not you that I have no confidence in, nor do I mind even if this feeling bears no fruit at all, just I couldn't make an estimation of my own lifespan. It's stupid of me, I knew that. 

Now, I'm smiling, with the coldness feeling on both of my cheeks. I've no longer know what I'm feeling now, however, I know that could be recover in time. In fact, everything could be faded off in time. But certain things will not, those happy moments left by you in my life, those smiles of yours, and those tears of yours which I caused. 

No matter what, I would always be here for you. I knew it's too late but it's on my own will, for I want you to know, if you ever feel ignored, lonely, lost, and sad, there will still a person on your back, pushing you, supporting you. However, I just hope that will not happen to you anymore...

Frankly, even if He gives me another chance to be with you, I may not take that up anymore. It's not because I don't want you anymore, it's not that I don't love you anymore. Do you still remember what I told you in the past? That I will love you forever... I won't take up the chance cause I fear that I may bruise your heart again, that I didn't know how to love you, even I know that I would give up everything to learn how. Just, I don't want to be so selfish anymore...

Just like before, the fingers were loosen, for I know you will be happier that way, for I could imagine your smile in my head. I love you forever, and if forever is unrealistic, then, let the time be the time I take my last breathe... Take care and let these words be of invisible, from your eyes, as well as your ears, just like me, an invisible guardian for you.

Don't worry about me. I will keep myself in top condition, no matter what. And I would start, by continuing this climb. I'm tough what! Hehe ^^  "

Sentence(s)

One after another, feelings within were being portrayed through descriptions and articles. Every piece of work, maybe repetitive and similar. However, they exhibited the feeling carried at the very moment; feeling might be similar or same but the triggers are different, giving a totally different feeling. 

Not a talented writer, or not even a writer. Not totally free of mistakes, or not even totally creditable. Words used, sentences made, they are children of the feeling, feeling-made, and feeling-decided. It was true everyone of them hoped to be read by the dedicated person, then again, not so much. Perhaps, like mentioned, it is better this way...

Those feelings still linger within. No idea of when they will fade away. No idea of where they will lead to. Humans are filled with ignorance anyway, right? This article or list, or whatever it is called by others, shall act as a record, recording each and every feeling that couldn't really be put in a whole article. They maybe short, but they are true. They maybe less for now, but they may increase, as this is a constantly being updated list of sentence(s).

Sometimes, what short means the most and clearest...

Sentence(s) hidden within:

I miss you.

9.04 pm, 7th Oct 2010

Miss your hug, your smell, your hands, your everything.

2.08 pm, 8th Oct 2010

To you, take care and rest well.

7.33 pm, 8th Oct 2010

It hurts but I'm grateful for the smile to stay on you.

8.49 pm, 9th Oct 2010

Ain't the same without messages and phone calls from the special you.

1.00  pm, 10th Oct 2010

Love and miss, my daily partner for everyday.

11.55 pm, 10th Oct 2010

I love you and hope you're happy.

5.18 pm, 11th Oct 2010

Thought of you, a smile is born naturally, followed by some pain.

8,29 pm, 12th Oct 2010

I wish that you'll be back but the things you do, differs and hurts.
5.36 pm, 16th Oct 2010

Seeing us together in mind, fake is realized but a smile is still born.
5.10 pm, 17th Oct 2010

I'll still be here for you, regardless of the role.
10.46 pm, 17th Oct 2010

You're the last and first person ever across my mind, in the night and morning.
6.54 am, 19th Oct 2010

I miss you, am hoping to be able to have your smile in my life again.
12.54 am, 20th Oct 2010

You woke me up for another time, it's pain and sadness from dream but at least, it's you.
9.18 am, 20th Oct 2010

Miss you.
9.43 am, 21th Oct 2010

My heart pounces rapidly when I thought of calling you, a work of yesterday dream.
8.29 pm, 23th Oct 2010

Everytime see something of you and him, it hurts but I know, you're happy.
11.16 am, 24th Oct 2010

A simple phone call, but the one who was closest is like a stranger now.
8.16 pm, 24th Oct 2010

Dreamt about  you, and it just makes me wish to break the ice in between us more.
11.05 am, 25th Oct 2010

It stings, for me to act as if it's okay, but it's okay, for I know it's a need to get you back.
7.56 pm, 25th Oct 2010

Goodnight. I still love you and I will pray for your benefits.
2.53 am, 26th Oct 2010

I miss you and getting bit impatient, but I'll suppress it to enable a future with you.
9.56 am, 27th Oct 2010

A word "whatever",  a sign that you no longer care, a fact that I couldn't bear to admit.
4.46 pm, 27th Oct 2010

Dreamt about you again, woke up for times again, the feeling of missing you comes in pain.
9.07 am, 28th Oct 2010

I love you, I have lost sight of many things but I still love you.
1.01 am, 29th Oct 2010

Two months have you and him been together, two months plus have we broke, the pain may ease but the feeling remains.
11.41 pm, 29th Oct 2010

Hated but hate couldn't last, I miss you, girl.
10.28 am, 30th Oct 2010

This would be the boundary line, I love you, I miss you and I want you. However, most probably I won't mention these here anymore, for I'll tie myself up with many things else, for I know, I need walk pass this tight attachment to leave a space for you to join in. The date is as stated, but the feeling is beyond the date for sure.  
12.26 pm, 3rd Nov 2010

It was thought to be last post. Yet, when those pictures of you in his arms run through my eyes...
7.48 pm, 4th Nov 2010

Pain fills the thought, emptiness fills the heart, still, they're just part of the challenges of this road.
1.14 am, 5th Nov 2010

Still feeling this heartache caused, however, I would get nothing if I do nothing. I miss you.
6.33 pm, 7th Nov 2010

I love you.
1.45 am, 9th Nov 2010

It must sound scary but you are always in my head, including those days where I didn't post a thing and I just want to shout out that "Chee Hui Xin, I love you!"
11.58 pm, 12th Nov 2010

Sense of Loneliness lingers. Even though I have reached out, but the feeling for You remains. Sadly, You will never know.
4.43 am, 11th May 2011

Invisble Cloud

"Bye. Take care."

The words been typed to her, as well as my sister; last words out of my finger-tips that symbolized an ending to a conversation or a journey of two individuals, two hearts; initial words of unknown time of waiting, missing, and extra for her, an initial for bruises and pain...

These days, the thoughts and emotions are just like the cottons in sky. They could last for a distance of time, or vanish in minutes. They could block the sunshine within, bringing the rain along, or unfold a scene of rainbow and sunshine. They could also be shaped differently by surrounding, to be a form of motivation or the way around. Either way, they remain unseen by others and myself; invisible clouds, which could only be pictured through feeling and realization. 

Occasionally, a same sentence was given to me. A sentence that shows the difference of or changing wants in life. The first she mentioned to me before it ended, which was not being taken seriously by me that time. The second she told me that, as the reason for her times of ending in relationships. And it lays an important question for me to think about and answer: am I able to fulfill the wants?

Showered with tears, shadowed by depression... I didn't really take some time to think about this question at all until now. And it just seems that this ending of me and her was not a wrong thing as well. It hurts for that to be said, but she did have a point, for I were not able to fulfill her wants previously or even now. The promises I made to her, most probably were just lies to bring her back. Sorry, I were selfish.

Honestly, even if she came back that time, this whole thing will most probably be taking a U-turn back to the breaking point. And am I still willing to see her go through those tortures, those lies and pain? I would just answer that with the feeling I have for her, the love I have for her: I will not want that to happen to her again...

She must felt all alone, ignored, or even fear sometimes, while she was in my arms. Her tears, those came out or hidden within, weren't wipe off by me, like I promised. And to make things even worse, I were the one who caused all these to her, even though I promised to never let her drop a single drop of tears. Words that I said, were just a bottle with nothing inside. If he was referring me as the grave, he was right.

Thanks to him, she will no longer feel those feelings of not-being-loved. I apologize for even laying blame on him at the first place, for I don't deserve her at all. This breaking, for her is a right choice, as for me, it is a lesson or an opportunity for me to reevaluate myself. 

It was there. The picture of us holding hands together, with white hair is still there. However, the picture is made out of us carrying the sweetest smile, emitting happiness to whoever is watching it. It is certainly not what she was feeling. And if she could show that smile with him, without me in the picture. Then, let the picture in me be torn apart. 

I am not exchanging my tears for her, nor am I making any noble sacrifices here. It's just I know, after I cried, after I suffered, a better me will be born. And who knows? The picture of mine could be left intact after all? ^^

"Cloud might change, you might change, so am I. However, one thing will never change. You'll always be in my heart, as whatever role given by time and fate. I love you, that's how I feel for you now. Take care and bye..."     

Fall of Drops

Drops were falling from above. Shattered upon contact, and splashes were made. From few to more, the painting started to have its colors spread in spots, became a total mess, unrecognizable minutes after.

The peace on the inside vanished, along the changes occurred on the outside. Depression came to play, the appetite just got substituted. Picture of one got soaked, with the probability of getting sick, and picture of one leaning on another's shoulder, with the probability of being held closely, were played repetitively as a slide show with no stopping. A cocktail of emotions was made, with one known substance as the body.

It was thought to be jealousy or anger would be the body. Personally, the same came into mind as well. However, these products of the second picture won no places in what was being felt. 2nd and 3rd were removed; the gold, silver, bronze medals were given to the same, the only product of the first...

The eyes were kept on outside, so did the mind. The urge to get hold on an umbrella got stronger. The intention to pass the mobile shelter bloomed and grew. Prayers and hopes started, to take their turns to be staged: for a 45-minutes pause on the falling rain, just to allow one to get home; for one to remain sheltered and dry, just to wait for a stop. 

Presentation of reality started to get hold. Who am I but a nobody that could no longer care. With my own hands, the responsibility were passed to other. Questions and contradictions started to make their appearances. Why didn't this feeling in past ain't as strong as now? Why would this feeling appear now, when it was seen that there was no love, earlier today? Why couldn't this pair of eyes and this mind be controlled in a more selfish way?  

Neither were clear in mind. The decision made crumbled. What was thought seemed to be just another self-made fraud. Feeling thought to have gone could no longer be remained as a fact. The hypothesis needed to be proven again. Is it really as what's in mind or the hypothesis was already proven to remain as it is, not able to be a theory?    

Ridiculous hopes were made again but the drops from both aboves could only fall downwards. Time only passes forwards, and there will never be an undo or rewind button that could be pressed on... Impossibles that being hoped, are just causes for usage of the words like "Ridiculous" and "Stupid"! The dreams had that drew a smile on face these days, are nothing but a fool's dreams!

Splashes stopped. Drops cling on leaves and flowers. The messy painting was being restored. Everything became clear on the outside. However, outside is outside, it will never be inside. Either way, fingers were crossed, for one to be cold-free and healthy, with no knowledge of her condition... 

         

Unusual Wedding Dinner

Describing love using a plant... I do believe that is a fairly familiar descriptive method applied. One of the example would be that "Love needs patience and commitment from the couple like a plant's needs from the gardener."

My cousin and his wife. They planted the seed of love for about ten years back, during their high school. Both of them looked after the seed; they have been tendering it patiently, fulfilling its every needs, watching its growth. And in time, the little seed grows into a sprout. Its "parents" just kept on  with their commitment to ensure its growth. 

Weeks and weeks, years and years, nobody truly know about the journey of theirs or the struggles of theirs but after all these time, finally, the sprout grows into a full-grown, where the care needs to be maintained and sometimes, extra fertilizers might be needed. Beautiful flowers started to bloom, flowers that drift from upwards to downwards, covering the path in front of the church as they stepped out, holding hands...

Seconds when their love story is being told and played as a short film, I became the bartender in "Conscience Bar", mixing up Paralyzed but with happiness, enviousness, loneliness, regret, and sadness, instead of cola, milk, Cherry Whiskey, kahlua, and Rye Whiskey; I'm happy for both of them, envy of both of them, and those negatives, they originated from the disability to put together the same love story which I wished to. 

Often, I'm telling myself to be strong, to be out of this pit. And it's often, for me to tell myself to not think about her...

Often, I'm telling myself to behave like how I were, so ungrateful to her existence. And it's often, for me to tell myself to find a way to hate her or blame her...

Eventually, it just proof to me that there are other things could be like a plant as well; this heartache that I'm feeling is just like a thorny vine, with no flower, or any fruit. It could be painful to keep myself remain in it, as well as blood-drawing, for me to try to free myself from it. However, I realize that carrying this vine with me will not do anyone any good. Either way, I'll need to trim it down and free myself out of it, even if by the time I made it through, I'll be like after a blood bath.

Favor for myself or favor for others who care about me? The reason remains unknown or wished to be remained unknown. The whole thing that I'm doing now is out of selfishness or other hidden intentions. I'm not sure, maybe cause I refuse to find out. But either way, the outcome would be the same. And either way, the thing I need to do would be the same. The story within just doesn't matter at all, in this short-run...

Until this very moment, I'm still feeling the pain that links me to her but I'm starting to feel happy as well. It's not that I'm not regret over my action in past, but seeing something out of coincidence... 

While being the bartender in the dinner, I saw a pair of married couple and I didn't know why as well but the mother to one just gave me the undeniable familiar feeling; she just looks so similar to her... And the father to the one is a guy with specs, just like the guy that she's being with now... I won't deny feeling the stabbing cause I don't think there's a need for me to deny how I felt but at the same time, the happy picture just made a slight adjustment on the lips on the paint of my face. 

Staring at this with a confused mind? Feeling weird and funny as well? Sorry, I couldn't explain. All I could say is perhaps I have changed. Is it a good thing or bad thing? I wish that I could tell as well but all I could tell is no matter how much I changed, me is still me, and if things are meant to be, then they will not change at all. I just hope I'm changing to be a better man that could make a better future...     

Dedicated Wishes

I don't know whether this blog of mine has the magic to realize every bit of wishes stated here.

I don't know what will make her to see these, how she will know these, or why she will even care about these.

I don't know what position did I put myself in while making these wishes, or what am I hoping to accomplish.

I don't know why either but neither will I care to know.

But there are things that I do know...

I do know that I'm a follower, of my own heart.

I do know that I will pray to the sky, to the God for every wishes made here to come true.

I do know that if He bestows upon me the ability to realize any of these wishes, I'll try my best to realize them, regardless of price.

And regarding that, I do know that I'm losing every bit of my rationality and insanity, as what others would say.

Oh blog, oh sky, oh God, I am wishing hard, hoping harder, and praying hardest I could for...

...now and time of needs, for her to do well in every paper she sits for, regardless it's Add-Maths, Physics, Chemistry, or any other tough subjects.

...now and forever, for her to stay healthy and more realistic, for her to be able to recover fast from every kind of illness.

...now and the rest of time, for her to be happy and keeps that Angel's smile on her face, for her to stay positive always.

...now, this lifetime, next lifetime, and following lifetimes, for her to be able to be cherished, to be cared, to be protected, and to be loved.

...always, for her to be able to find the people that could realize those wishes of mine, guys or girls, me or not me.

Mid Autumn

Light by light, switched off at this time. House by house, peace and quiet is regained. And lantern by lantern, its brightness dimmed; the curtain has fallen on this festive day. It is three hours passed the mooncake festival; it is 3:26am, on 23th of September 2010...

It was the first time for me to not celebrating in my hometown. It was the first time for me to ever call up my grandma and parents, wishing them through phone. And definitely, it was the first time ever for me to not be able to call you up, asking you to look upon the same moon, as I did in past; it was something that I never expected to have happened, perhaps I'm taking you for granted, perhaps I'm over-confident, or perhaps...I already know who am I going to share my future with...

In pairs and groups, people passed by. They carried a lantern in their hand, a smile on their face, and laughter in their conversations. Some, they have each other's hand in their own. Watching them, hearing their laughter, a weird feeling surfaced in me; it wasn't loneliness cause I was sitting together with friends, it wasn't jealousy cause I didn't feel the existence of any sourish thought. What was it then? Was it an emotion called "missing"? If yes, then why was it different from how I felt in past?

A question without answer. An issue that she would no longer care. I would be too, if I were in her shoes... However, it would be the best for this to be kept with myself. Even if she would care like she did in my dream, she would not be allowed to do so, cause one thing for certain, it wasn't something enjoyable...

Hours passed. From the four-walls with beds and closets, we moved to the four-walls with cues and pool tables. Our conversations ended between some of us, and those remained moved from verbal, to slightly more physical. 

Pushed open the glass door, a small "housing area" appeared in front of our eyes; the place was being occupied by people in groups and pairs...

It was not the first time for any of us to set foot in this place, but it was the first time for me to have this "personal experience". Chairs are made available beside each table, mainly for either spectators or supporters. As usual, ours are being unoccupied cause both of us are the players. However, I acted to be a two-characters; regardless of how short or long was my friend's turn, I would sit on the chair and stared at the table quietly, with a smile on face. 

 It was like an unconscious act; I didn't notice it until "Kissing You" was played and parts of the lyrics, which were displayed by both of them snapped me out. Very seldom I would be both a player and a spectator, and those time when I did, she would be sitting on one of those chairs back in my hometown; she would be the one who stared at the table quietly, with her sweet smile on her face...in past...

Unanswered questions started with what, how, why... They would most probably remain as unanswered for a long period of time...

Mid autumn festival or mooncake festival is the time when family and love ones come together. It is like a reunion day for Chinese, somewhat like all other festivals. There were folk tales about this festival, there were traditional practices on this day, which mostly known by me. But just when I thought I've known much about this very festival, an important point was being left out; it seems that mid autumn festival is also a day that allows people to realize more about themselves.

"Happy mid autumn."

These words were typed to be sent to someone special. However, the festival has passed and they just remained as a draft... I'm still emotionally-affected by her, my mind is still being occupied by her images, but I would not remove them, even though she's already out of my life. It's not that I'm still hoping to get her back or refusing to face the cruelty of reality like before, it's just... I still love her...

"Happy belated mid autumn to you. May the sweet smile be kept on your face until the rest of time, and all the best in your exam hours later."              

Believe

I know that I still believe in something, but I'm no longer have a clear picture of the thing; slowly, I felt that I'm loosing the grip, loosing the strength to hold on...

I wished to question the reason for the cruelty. I wished to question the reason for myself being in this stupidity. But I know there will never be an answer, even there is, it won't be the answer I want.

A close of eyes, a picture of both of you comes in. A close of eyes, a sound of thing being torn is clearly heard and felt. If our pictures are all torn up and threw away by you, then, it's the same with my heart and my soul. 

Cold treatment from you, sentences that show your feeling towards him... If I'm such a bug that you wished to remove, then, I shall leave; I will just continue to be the shadow that always have your back covered, that always accompanying you silently...

Times like this

It's times like this, where one will feel the pain.

It's times like this, where one will carry tears in vein.

It's times like this, one will want a heart without affection. Hopes for the rainbow after rain bloom within the heart, as one longs for the freedom from pain and sorrow.

Narrowed path left one with single direction, reluctant to take the route would just leave one standing. Struggle occurs when hopes to be pushed by time and fear of forgetting stand together in a row.

Under such circumstances, one may get himself chained with thorns and toll his body towards the exit; the addictiveness to pain is born as it is the only thing that links one to her.

It's times like this, one will be as if living in the hell of love.

It's times like this, one will pray for His hand but when He comes, the picture that is not her turns one's head away...

It's times like this, one will be of a fallen angel; being left with nothing but torments, yet still having the wings to fly over and look over her silently.

It was him who didn't cherish her and let her slips through his fingers. It was him who sent her to the arms of others...

It's times like this, one will only realize the importance and be regret. It's times like this, where everything is too late. He knows it's times like this, where he couldn't change a thing. He realizes it's times like this, where he should be moving on...

"It's true that you lived in hell and I were the devil, who was restraining you. I didn't deserve you at all."

"I would cover the grave dug and build a house for us above it. I would create a heaven for you and be the guardian angel only for you."

"However...it's times like this, where I should let you go for you to be cherished, for you to be loved by someone far better than me."

"Let my foolishness be of a guidance. Let my tears be the prayers. Let the pain in me be the pedals on the path to happiness."

Familiar Stranger

For days, I've been noticing your name in my contact list. And finally, I pushed myself to approach you, to wish you in your up-coming exams but who ever know? The things I have in mind, the things I'm afraid of, happens; a girl that I love, someone who was in a relationship with me, just seems to be such a stranger...

Your reply is so brief, as if my name shouldn't appear as the one finding you. Why? Just why things have to be this way? I love you, and you LOVED me, how come I feel myself is being like a stranger to you? You just wouldn't open up to me like back then, before we were together. The treatment, is colder and more hurtful than cold treatment... Am I worst than your friends in your eyes? Am I a tumor in your life, which you wish to remove?

It's alright... Let the tears fall until its last drop, I could still stand on both of my feet and continue to carry out my desire; to support, to protect, to observe, like an invisible guardian angel only for you...

It's Alright

I just hope to get your concern once more. I just hope to be able to feel your love once more. I just hope to know at least I have a spot in your heart... But I know for the you now, everything is too much to ask for; everything I did out of desperation will just end up as a dandelion, brought away by the blowing wind...

It hurts. It hurts more than everything that I ever felt. But it's ok... Everything is already too late but I just want you to know you're a part of me; you're not the limbs, nor the legs. Just lay your hand on to your chest, close up your beautiful eyes, and relax your mind; the beating you feel, its source are replaced by you inside of me...I just want you to know, I'll always be the chest you lean on, the shoulder you cry on, whenever you need it. Just tell me, just let me know... ... 

A Song, A Mv, A Kind of Feeling

Watching this MV, I got myself stirring towards you, thinking of you, missing of you, letting myself know how much you mean to me; I love you. I still do, even when you asked me not to...

By now, you should know there's no a "switch-off" button for my love for you cause you are feeling the same or him... It hurts for me to tell but I know that it's him, not me...

It was me who have sent you away; I was a jerky fool, who didn't know how to cherish you, just like the guy in this MV. And I wish there are some ways I could make it up for you but it's just too late. It's ok though cause I believe if we're destined, we'll meet again and by that time, I'll not be that fool I used to be. Before that day arrives, your pictures would be your substitute in life... 

"Take care. I pray for your well-being and happiness. I miss you..."

Indefensible

It streams down while He didn't fully up yet. Is it out of joy to know you're happy or out of sadness to realize another day without you by my side? Who knows? Even if you know this, most probably, it will still remains as unknown...if you would care to know...

The Only Answer

Recalling what been said in the past "why I insisted on treating someone who treat me bad good?" The answer was within grasp all along but suddenly, have an urge to let it free from within: "No why...just like loving you, until now; there's no reason!"  

Untitled

"At least, I feel like being taken care of..."

This sentence stings me but I could see that you're really happy; something that I didn't see or feel from you for quite some time, something that you carried when we first being together. I'm smiling, knowing that at least, you're happy...

"Actually, I swear I will take care of you if there's another chance."

It's just too late though... But who knows? We might come across each other again in future and by that time, I'll get you back and never let you slip through my fingers again; I'll never give any chance for you to feel sad or envy. However, I do hope that there's no need for me, for I don't want to see the smile that I miss vanishes from your face again. Please stay happy and healthy. If not, what I'm doing now will be a waste. I love you... 

^^

Rainbow after rain...

A Fool's Love For Her

The whole scenery was brushed through with black and gray. At the higher part of it, a grayish-white circle was drawn, and spots of yellow were added, with a brush with yellow paint being pressed lightly around the perfect circle. It is a masterpiece entitled "Starry Night" drawn by Him, a picture which I wished and wish to share with her; two people lying on a field and be mesmerized by its beauty.

It's true that there's only a shadow of one's now. And it's true that this is a self-drawn picture of loneliness, which will last until an unknown date. The intention that could once be shared through phone calls and short messages has lost its sharing ability. The connectivity between two separated individuals that enables the understanding and appreciation of the intention has broken as well; all these could only be found in the past, as the feeling she had that brought her to me has no presence in the present...

It hurts, for me to accept that fact but the bruises caused by this tightly held rose deny my refusal to admit the truth; she doesn't love me anymore, her heart doesn't have a guy named KH anymore. It hurts, even when I just typing them out now. Sentences showing her feeling for him, memories that keeps telling me her importance to me, all these make up the thorns on this rose's stem. The pain that is avoidable becomes unavoidable, as the wish to concern and to cherish, to care and to love lives on. It seems dumb but the pain is refused to be traded off, even with happiness, as its existence is a sign of my feeling towards her, a last remaining proof of the existence of our love in the past.

I used to think that I should continue to hold tightly on this rose because I love her. I cried, I confused, I lost, but I never complaint. I hated, I blamed, I pissed, but I never revenged. Life is never easy and I realized it will not be made any easier when I made this decision; it was realized that this whole thing could turn out to be nothing, this whole thing could just be a waste of time and effort, as mentioned by others, as well as herself. With each and every passing day, the thorns on the stem just gets sharper and more in numbers. With each and every passing day, the night just gets tough and tougher for me to rest, not only because of the pain but the fear, of ever dreaming a scene which I wouldn't want to see until the last breathe of mine.

The way both of you interact, the change of my role in your eyes, the zero amount of interactions between us...

Everything has already shattered into pieces; the jigsaw puzzle that we were putting together has totally be separated from the day you said "Break". However, with everything falling apart, there's still a guy who insisted to hold on, to believe in, and to put together the separated pieces, to at least how it was before you left. Like I said, I don't mind to be that fool, to be that idiot, to be that weakling, to be whatever others say or think, as long as I could feel your existence, as long as I could be the armor for the promises in past and the love that I'm still carrying with me.

"My heart will always be yours, you'll always be in my heart."

These words were mentioned quite some time ago, and most probably being mentioned by others, as well as both of you. These are one of the famous quotes for couples, they always carried feelings, but lost their meaning when what once one becomes two; they aren't something that I should continue to hold on, continue to believe in, especially when the story reaches what it is now. But I don't care whether it is just a poor excuse for me, for me to continue to this invincible man in your eyes, who is doing what-you-consider invincible and useless things which will not deter our story from meeting its full stop.

However, please understand that I could not be as sane as you, my body and mind just gets out-of-control, I'm just being a moth flying towards the flame. I'll hold on even when there's just little hope, something that you would not give; I created my own hope, I believe in this self-made hope, and as long as I'm alive, this hope will be too. In another words, there will never be "hopeless". Perhaps it is the pride's work, perhaps it is love or perhaps it is obsession, but no matter what you and others think, the fact that I hope to be together with you again stands out tall from this thick fog; there will be another chapter after the full stop laid.

I used to think that I should continue to hold on to this rose. The "used to" is there and my mind does change. But it's not that I regretted, I gave up, I stopped believing or I lost the hope; instead of just holding on tightly, I will plant the rose on to this earth. Even though it is a never-dying rose, but it'll never grow in my hand; I want it to grow, I want it to grow to be the bouquet of roses, which I will give to you in future, on your birthday, on Valentine's Day, on our anniversaries, on the day when I'll kneel in front of you, proposing...and on many other occasions in future, just like the picture on the jigsaw that we were once building.   

I know the pain will go on, I know you will continue to love him and others that will come into your life in future. I know the time is unknown for me to be able to be with you again, I know that I might not be in your life again, and will be forgotten, just like the dust being carried away by the wind. However, I'll continue to take care of this rose, even if I bleed, even if I cry; may my blood and tears be used to nourish this rose named "Love". I have found a new direction, a new purpose, and even when this dream remains to be a fool's dream, there's no regrets, as I loved, love, and will continue to love you.

I really hope that you'll be able to read all these but I know it's quite impossible as I have changed the address of this blog secretly. Perhaps, it's good for you to not able to read these as well cause knowing so, I'm sure that I'm typing not because to bring you back to me...even through I hope you will.

I know that even if someone ever tells you the address, even if you ever come across reading these, it will make no differences; you will not carry any feeling towards me, for now and perhaps in future as well. However, these aren't meant to make you feel anything, these aren't meant to be complains, and definitely, these aren't meant to be make you regret or depressed, as I don't want you to be sad, as I don't want you to feel anything else but you love me.

All these, each and every one of them, they make up a record for us to read together in future, with you lying on my chest. All these make up a love story, which I pray to end with a happy ending...

"Sorry to be such a pest but I just couldn't stop loving you."

"Good night and sweet dream, I love you, CHX..." the invincible man smiles, and with tears of joy in his eyes, he enters his dream, hoping to be able to be with the girl he misses so much in his dream...




*finished on 5th Sept 2010, 1.00 am.

What Seems To Be Never Ending

Days have passed and the fact seems to be so much different from the feeling. Perhaps the mind already lost track of time or perhaps the heart already badly bruised until numb; seconds become hours, minutes become days, hours become weeks, and days become months, years or decades.

"Don't hurt yourself again. Don't think about it anymore. Let it slips through your mind. Let it fades away in time."

It's undeniable that determination is needed whenever one wants to accomplish something. But life is just filled with unexpected cases. Those sentences...they were said or thought of by others and self. Those sentences...they are meant to be mentioned in mind whenever one's emotionally shook, in order to strengthen the determination to open up these ten fingers. However, they just seem to be mud on a piece of glass, which leaves not even a stain once washed by time. However, they are like leeches, which sips away the strength of the determination once there.

Perhaps, there's reluctance to further push oneself to let go, just like what being commonly thought of. Perhaps, the strength to let go is just no there, because of the person is just too weak. Perhaps, pride and ego become the barrier. And perhaps, there's an invincible chain of promise, which locked in the past. However, everything is just a "perhaps" because the narrator doesn't even know the true story behind, because what answered may not believed by others, even by the person that means the most.

Cuts will heal in time, pain will fade in time. However, some feeling will not disappear in time, the most is just for it to lies dormant. There's no specific duration being filled in this questionnaire of heartache; the song favored, the pictures taken, still wrapped with barbed wire; the new updates, the new replies, still deliver poison with no antibody. Everything just seems to be a piece of the artwork entitled "Pain" and nobody knows when this shattered artwork could be put into whole, which will then be kept in the storeroom of memory.

It is like waiting for a bus that will never come; the hope of being together, being able to cherish again, being able to care again, and being able to love again, would just remain as a hope for unknown time or a time that will never come. Day after day without the known concern, week after week without the missed voice, month after month without the recognition of existence once given, all these will always be the view of this route taken for years to come, or even until the end of a lifetime...

"If letting go and moving forward requires huge strength and bravery, then may I be that weakling, who refuse to loosen up his ten fingers. Perhaps, it's true that I'm living in the past, because of what I believe, because of my hope. I'll move on, holding tight on to this unrealistic hope, continuing my journey on this never ending path, as every ounce of my bravery and strength will be poured on to this, which would considered as a fool's way. Sorry, I ain't no warrior, I'm just a peon who is determined to hold on something that only believed and known by himself."

Love Story

"What you'll do if we ever break up?"

"... Please don't talk about that."

"Don't worry. It's just a discussion, it's not that I'll ever leave you."

"If we break up, I'll never be with another guy again cause for me, you're my only one in life."

"Oh..."

"You? Could you promise me something? I know it's selfish of me but could you not do the same as what we did with other girl in future?"


"I promise you. You? Could you promise me the same thing?"

"Urh.."

"If one day, I want to leave you. What would you do?"

"I...don't know."

"Why don't you hold tight on my hand and never let go?"

"Could I? Will that work when you want to leave me?"

"It will. It will for sure."

"..."

"Then, let us do this in future, k? If anyone of us want to leave the other, the other one will hold one no matter what, k?"

"Urh... But it won't happen, right?"

"Yea."

An awkward conversation for a pair of couple who was deeply in love with each other ended with her innocent smile. And who will have guess it, what seems to be a conversation could ever come true? Nearing the end of the second year of the three years relationship, the guy's heart was moved...

"I think I like somebody else."

"..."

"I'm sorry. I just don't want to hurt you. Why don't we end this whole thing?"

"Do you think that ending this won't hurt me? I just don't want it to happen. You could be with the person you like but please don't end it."

"... But..."

This was how much she loved the bastard; she was willing to bear the cuts and bruises, as long as she could be together with the guy she loved the most. However, the pain is too much to be carried by most and finally the sound of her hope snapped was clearly heard and she cried.

"Let's end it then..."

Her tears streamed down her cute face, replacing her sweet smile. And she ran straight into the heavy rain. The bastard was stunned but he ran following her again. He hugged her under the rain. He brought her back to the shelter and promised her that it was all over, that he will never leave her cause he just couldn't bear the heartache seeing her cry.

Two broken pieces was brought together again. And perhaps, it was foolish for the guy to think that there won't be any crack in between. He regretted and he tried to make it up to her. However, all these are just scenes playing inside his mind, instead in reality...

Time passes. The half cold relationship carries on but the moment he left to other state to study, those sweet conversations, those heart-filled messages are getting lesser and lesser. She told the guy that she felt that she knows lesser and lesser about her love, somewhat lesser than his friends. However, he didn't feel the same and the conversation just ended up in a fire powder keg.

"I think I like another guy."

"Who's that?!"

"Someone that you don't know..."

The girl told the guy this and he went berserk, totally furious about it. As the argument goes, he got to know who is that person in her heart. However, it wasn't important cause in the end, he decided to forgive her...

"I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't do this... I still love you, always..."

That was what she said to the guy. During that time, the idiot just didn't realize that how much fear is the girl carrying, how lost was the girl; he was just an idiot throughout the whole thing, an idiot who just know how to be angry instead of concerning about her. Even though the final decision is forgiveness but it didn't change the fact that he was a selfish idiot.

"Don't treat me too good, k? I don't know how to face you."

"Don't feel regret, k? I also did the same. I love you. That's why I treat you good. I just couldn't control myself or I want to."

"..."

"Still... I really don't know how to face you. I need some time apart."

"I don't want. Why?!"

"..."

"Let you choose then. Continue to be by my side or break? There's no option such as "some time apart"."

"Break then."

"..."

He was lost, totally lost. He was in rage, then again, he was totally in mess. Once again, the two pieces cracked and pulled apart. However, there was still some lines that remain unbroken between them. And after rage and anger, the guy tried to joint those pieces back for the first time.

After one day, as requested by the girl, the answer was still to end this. The guy cried. In his head, he just don't want it to end. He asked and asked for the whole thing to have a turning point. But the answer was just "No" and "No". However, after he wiped his tears, he decided to try to fix the whole thing. And so, he sent her an email asking for another chance. The reply is that she needs some time to think over...

Within that time interval, the guy lived in fear. And on Tuesday night, he went to buy a teddy for her, as well as a little card to apologize to her with his ill body, after having classes for one whole day. For once, he smiled cause he could imagine seeing her smile when she sees him.

Thursday, he got on board the 1 o'clock bus without any hesitation. In his mind, he knows what he wants and what he needs to do. Two and a half hour on the seat, his mind was just filled with memories, where they were smiling and being very sweet. Two and a half hour on the seat, he checked the bear from time to time to assure that it won't get dirty.

Finally, he reached his hometown, the place where he met this wonderful girl he loves. Straight away, he headed over to the place where she was having tuition class. Another session of waiting begun but he had no complaint because in his heart, he was both happy, excited, confused and scare; he was happy to be able to see her, he was excited to see her expression when she saw him, but he was confused about what had been across her mind within these days, he was scare that she would give him a negative answer or she will be coming out of the class, holding the hand of another guy; he just couldn't bear another slap on him.

An hour plus passed and she came out, he missed her but then, he ran downstairs, praying that she'll be downstairs, instead of somewhere else already. He ran up to her, then he ran back to get the bear and card, and passed to her. He noticed her hands are occupied and so, he decided to hold the bear for her.

The moment he started to open his mouth, her face changed...

"Why you come to find me? I don't know how to face you. I'll find you if I want to see you."

He was frozen by her reaction but he snapped out of it and kept remaining silence. Then, he approached her again to apologize. But there weren't any positive response from her. Finally, it got too much to bear and he left her. However, he just couldn't stop worrying, so, his eyes followed her from a distance until seeing her got on board the bus. Only then, he headed on to the journey home.

It was a tiring day for the guy and so, he slept very early. However, it was a sleep that he will never wish to wake up from; the next morning, the first thing he knew was that she decided to cut off those line and what was one had become two.

He called and cried again. Still, what he got are those cold replies. However, in his heart, decision was already made for him to go after her again in future, even until now, where she's already with the guy that she once told the guy that she didn't like him.

He believes that it is karma, as what she said. He believes that these are punishment which he needs to endure. Even though knowing her being with another guy torn him apart totally, but he still reluctant to let go; he decided to wait silently but from time to time, he still cries and blames, not on her but on himself for not cherishing her before this.

He's crying now. I could hear his voice and sadness...

"I know no matter what happen to me, or whatever I do now will not change a thing. You will never know nor will you care. I have been thinking of ending this whole thing in a stupid way but I didn't do so. I wished to blame you like what you asked but I just couldn't. I'm nothing to you now but it is not important to me, even just being your lifetime guardian angel, that is already content for me. Sometimes, I really wish that you will change your mind but I know you won't be, part of me don't wish you will too cause I don't deserve you and you seem to be happier right now. Sorry for unable to wish both of you to be happy cause of my stupid selfishness...

I will wait for you no matter how much it hurts, not because of those promises or anything else. It's just because I love you, Chee Hui Xin."

It's Over

Future is always seem to be something that is unpredictable, uncontrollable, yet, each and every one is carrying a heart filled with hope and looking forward to it; countless effort is laid for its arrival, predictions are made to predict the unpredictable, plans are designed in hope to control the uncontrollable. 

Tomorrow is the end of August and would be the end of the torn-covered stem of the rose that I'm holding; I have found out that the rose in my palm is tied to a sharp knife, which left a red trail within me. Supposedly, my heart would be burning up, without any exceptions. That was what I thought as well until I found the exception yesterday, where the flame is put off by the heavy rain, just like the weather today.

The tar-covered road in front seems to be darker in colour, not to mention the continuous roofs of the houses lining in a row. My sight was running along them, every block of houses, every inch of road, from the window in my room. Never ever, I has my mind so caught up by them. Perhaps it's because I'm too used to it, too used to it until I have neglected them without even realizing it, just like her.

God cried quite heavily today, but God's tears usually is being cherished or in another word, God sheds His tears to nourish this earth. And I wonder, why our tears will not be cherished when they drop? What use of our tears? These...I believe most will have the answer. Then, I start to envy Him, for He could do something I wished I could; I know that it is not worthy for anyone to shed even one drop of tears for someone who doesn't love him or her anymore, I realize that but it's just that it's impossible for me to keep up with the logic side all the time, seeing and evaluating the worthiness of everything in life.

With that silence conversation lies within, I could see myself standing out in the middle of the road that I was staring at, facing a direction; the road in front is just like the houses beside it, there's an ending of them, which it ends up in a junction in front of another row of houses. It's clear that I should move on, take the first step in front but I just couldn't help myself but to look behind, seeing countless images and pictures, hearing countless records filled with laughter and tears, finally, a big picture of us talking on the phone at the midnight, discussing about our actions if we ever break up; the words, sentences that made up the very conversation are clearly carved on the limestone of memory.

I know whatever I do, however long I soak myself in this pool of tears will not change anything now. I felt regret and remorse for one whole month, even at this very moment, these feelings are still strong. It has ended and she is holding the hand of another guy...an unwanted picture which drew by my own conscious. 

The crystallized pictures of us have shattered into pieces, right beneath my feet. All along, it is in my conscious that this journey would not ended up in Rome, as the saying "all roads lead to Rome". And all along, people are shouting, pointing and telling me about the existence of the stop sign. Why then? Why would I continue? Let's just say I'm a fool, who take part in an idiotic story, hoping that it will turn out to be something like fairytale, with happy ending...

My fingers are opening up, losing the grip. The rose falls, along with the knife tied as its tail. Slowly, I lifted that hand of mine. Slowly, I stared at my bruised palm. And finally, my eyes become wet. Finally, they reach to my feeling. One drop of tears dropped on to that palm of mine, I could feel the sting, as well as the cold temperature of the drop. 

Then, I lifted up my head to take a look at the sky; everyone is up there, cheering for me, putting out their hand to pull me out of this road... Their smiles, their supports, their existences and their effort to build me a exit, mean very much to me; I appreciate each and every one of them, seriously, I do. 

"Thank you."

I bended down. Slowly, I gathered and picked up those pictures we took. Unfortunately, some of them are stained with red. The rose is being picked up as well. And with the rose more tightly held in one hand, pictures in another, I take a step forward, leaving the spot, continuing my journey. 

Step by step, walking towards the end of this road... Step by step, walking towards the end of the houses... Step by step, leaving the stretched out hands of my friends. And step by step, towards the junction in front.