Struggle Within

Days have passed since I lifted up my spirit and confronted with the teachers. Days have passed, and the result was announced. It didn't change much; The post was still with him, and I was being placed firmly on the throne of a new post......a new post that created by teachers.

All type of unhappy faces flashed across my eyes when it ended up that way. It just made me wonder, question the right and wrong of my action. It......was inpolite to bear the thought to shoot someone down from the tree of the board, no need to mention carrying that intention out...

I guess, people around just marked a thought that I'm that kind of guy who refuses to admit my lost......and may be, may be I am what they think or I am not. Who knows and who can decide who's right or wrong......caused even the one involved didn't know how to lay out a statement about this.

Slowly, things started to settle down and the curtain started to fall. And the adding issue, started to shine and caught everyone's attention. Many of people go against it, and so, the war started to roam freely among us.

My head wished to cancel out all the added post. Actually, not only him. It's everyone's view, including mine...

I started my war caused I wanted to fix the whole thing and lend him a hand in everyway I can; It was the reason that I took up my pistol and started to shoot at that guy......caused I know, and I dare to say, his stay won't help at all and may be even ruin the whole thing, bringing it down when it was already in worst condition.

I know, when people hear this from me, all kind of opinions will come out and mostly......are aiming at me, critising me.

It's true...I'm not very good. And it's true...I'm not right. But who decides whether the whole thing is right or wrong? Teachers? Me? You? Or even the head? Using the love of mine towards prefectorial board, I fought my war and even if it didn't end out to be the way I wanted to, and he was still relaxing on his throne......I was glad that I was given a chance to fix the whole thing, given a chance to reset the whole thing before it reaches the no-return-state.

But now, my intention to help out my friend, who is the head cornered me in a tight spot. His first task was to cancel out all the new-added-post and mine happened to be one of the four.

In others' eyes, I wasn't hopeless. But those who know the reason why a new post was added for me, instead of me taking over that turd's post will have a clear mind of what's going to happen to me if his first task is able to be finalised...

The exit of my dream is right in front of me; Walking through it may cause my dream to crumble before it even started to be carried out...but it will surely help my head to finish his first task and set our influence on the right track again. If I decide to stand still in front of the exit, my post will most probably still with me, my dream will definately share a chance to be realised and I'll be able to fix the whole thing like the hope I was holding when I entered a confrontation with all those people...but......it goes against my wish to help out my head, goes against my aim of getting rid of that clown.

I wonder what others will do, or may be......it's clear what others will do. It's just they don't dare to show it to others...

For this far, I walked my way up here. And now, I was trapped caused of the source of my strenght and courage for this long struggle...I'm really ignorant, very ignorant about what should I do in this very moment...

Rain after sunny day

People used to say sunny day comes after the rain...

Questions started to swirl around their mouth, when someone says rain comes after sunny day. It's understandable...so, I guess I'll be asked whether I have type the wrong thing, am I trying to be the unique guy under the sun or am I normal???

"The sunlight shone through the lourve window of my window and touched my face..."

"Things were falling to their own place, like the the brownish leaf that were falling in the park...."

"...and the dragonfly brought along the fog as it flew over the clear pond (truth).."

The seed just continue to grow and how much I wish she'll be able to sit beside me, witness the growth of it inside me...

Slowly,

"HE tried on his dark coat.."

"...I lost the warmful touch of the sun.."

"..and HE cried cause HE was touched by our story.."

Stress was laid on me like a blanket; Study started to turn on the red light. Somehow, I think I found the old, dusty stressful mask inside the old memory trunk.

I promised the one in the mirror, I won't try to find an exit for this. And I'm telling myself, the rain will ends. By that time, I want to hold her in my arms and let the falling stars dresses our sight...

Redirecting

I'm feeling the curtain is falling over our story. I tried to hold on the rope as hard as I can, but somehow, doubt covered my sight, those words of yours just laid a shot to me from behind...

Am I that lousy? Or I was a fool from the very beginning till the very end? Tell me, girl...what makes you pushed me aside. Don't say those words, I know them, I heard them and for my own sake, I'm so bored with them as well..so, tell me something new, would you?

The smile on your face when "Kok Hou's no longer waiting for you" and "Kok Hou doesn't love you anymore"; I can't see them but I can imagine them...imagining them being displayed on your cute face.

At this time, may be you're thinking that things have settle down for both me and you. Or may be you think that I'm through with you. Think, all those are what you think and I don't know whether I want to burst your bubble and set up a cinema of my heart in front of you.

You're treating me bit like last time but I still can't really let go of the little love portion that I mixed up within me, and those smiles of yours when I was said making a thousand mile gap between us...

Sadness, ignorant, helpless, all those things that bothered me back then and now. I don't know what to do with them, should I see them as a gift from you? Should I treat them as my little pets? Or should I give them the position you own?

My own alarm is being sounded; I'm tired, too tired to get over everything all over again. I build up an imaginary castle inside my head and tried to find its perfect owner from time after time, and now..I will step on the break, raise a giant hammer, and smash the whole thing to the ground; The castle, the mind, the feeling...

And those presents that you gave me, I'll take them as a part of my life, as keepers of my memory about you...

And...I'm redirecting them onto something, I'll train myself on basketball and from now on, I'll aim for noone or nothing..but to be the star in a team.

Let the curtain falls then...let it falls with a sad actor sitting alone on the stage of life...

It doesn't matter

You may know me to be a sensitive guy, you may know me to be an annoying fellow but..let's just say I'm more than meets the eye.......

People have their own freedom to think whatever they want about me; They can say I'm a jerk, they can say I'm a fool, they can call me a bastard or even a turd. But I got so used to it that I don't mind what rubbish come out from their bloody mouth. Plenty of people are pro in being a reporter, spreading bad things about others and I guess you must have a certain fame till others' jealousy reach the red zone, till they need to do something to relief themselves. I understand they're pretty pityful..I know.....

I don't mind what other say about me, but I did mind what you said about me...

One question, notice I use "did"? I don't know what's playing through your worry head right now, you may mean it when you tell others that I'm not your type, bla bla bla. I guess you already know that feeling is something that noone can explain. Don't agree? Uh huh, no need to say it, ssh...

You may say I sound like a jerk, say whatever you like cause you know what, I don't care a shit. I know you'll be boilled when you see what I say but I care too much about others sometimes, till I lost my life. I have enough, girl...read my lips, ENOUGH!
I'll still store you inside the dusty hard-disc of mine whether you like it or not. So, you can try to do something to piss me off, twist my mind or whatever. But let me tell you, since you're trying that badly to shut your door, why don't you just use those time to ask yourself whether things are really as what you tell others? Are you really letting things go?

Pump your face up as hard as you want, boil your blood up as hot as you want. I care about you too much...and now, no more.
I'm going to turn the table and damn, that's right.

Go on and tell the whole world that I'm not your type, but hear me...I'm pretty good in making girls fall for me and you're a girl, what makes you think that you can escape?

I choose the path I want and whatever you want to do or say, none of it matters. Sorry, it doesn't matter to me anymore.

I'm going to...

For days I have sat on the emotional rollercoaster, I really thought that it'll never stop and I'll never set foot on the solid ground again. I really did......

I openned my heart and mouth, letted every restrained words within me out. Each and every word came out from my mouth, each and every images that played inside my head, they acted like an amplifier; Reminding me how important one has becomes to me, reminding myself how stumbled I have become. I just couldn't do anything to help myself out of this, in sudden sweep of the falling star, I have become so helpless.

I guess such feeling isn't a stranger to you...

Actions and sights of others on me, things just make me look like a bad guy. I regconise those faces, happy faces of all of you. But now, you all are putting on the angry or distest mask towards me. Is it wrong..was it a mistake or a feeling that I shouldn't bear or shouldn't let out? Or may be...you all are like this all the time, it's just...I'm too dumb to realise it..

I wish to question, I wish to ask and how much I wish that I can get hold on the answer that I'm looking for, hoping for. However, I don't think I can write the question out on the white board and ask you all about it, I just couldn't do so; I just wouldn't want to treat you all in such way, especially you...

I did care whether a red light is shed on the path, but I don't care now. No matter what you do, no matter what you all do...I just won't step on the break padle and lift the handbreak. It's true, I won't no matter how much it'll make you all hate me, no matter how many of those faces I'll have to see.

I have enough of being botherred that badly and I'm tired of it as well. I promise to the falling curtain on earth, I will use those bothers that I got and channel them on what I like to do; I'll bring them along like my beg, whether I'm on the basketball court, in school or at home.

Let's take this as......something to save you inside my memory.