How often...

How often do we have the opportunity to make the first impression to a person? And how often do we fail to do so or even bother to do so?

How often do we say 'thank you' to a person that has helped us in a day? And how often do we be grateful to those who helped us since our birth or a certain stage in life?

How often do we pass by the same spot or meet the same person? And how often do we slow down to really take a look and say a 'hi' or leave a smile?

How often do we comment or evaluate a person in the things he/she does? And how often do we reflect on ourselves on the things we did?

How often do we be nice and sweet in front of the person that we admired? And how often do we show least of those mentioned to others, including those that we've first met?

How often do we love someone and make someone special in our life? And how often do we have to end the shared chapter by our own or witness to it being ended by others?

How often do we mold ourselves to fit in the "Cinderella's shoes"? And how often do we show our true self without much restrain and embrace us as of ourselves?

How often do we make a promise, with or without us meaning it? And how often do we keep it and make it happen even though it has been late or have passed the circumstances? 

How often do we feel emotional and offer advice or aids for the ending of something in others' life? And how often do we take those that we'll offered when the ending is in ours?

How often do we lay too little importance and concern on a person or thing? And how often do we feel regret and really willing to commit after a lost?

How often do we believe that the future is already written? And how often do we realize that the future is gone, due to our own issues?

How often...

There're many things in life which one could use two words on it and turn it into a rhetorical question. However, there's always this one last question, "How often do we know or realize about something and we just leave it or drive it to the ledge?"

If any of the "How often..." hits you, please think about it and if you have the will, even "1 time" could be the answer to the question.

Undefined Scenes

“She stands there, waiting to return to her loved ones. And it isn’t long before her wish is made possible…

The crowd starts to funnel into the monorail. However, she takes a step back at that very moment; she gives up on her opportunity to return earlier. Just as fast as her wish is made possible, just as fast the realization of it is being prolonged. As the crowd clears out, her face becomes seeable. She shows no sign of frustration about being left behind or cut in line. Instead, there’s a sign of relief on her; she smiles while she looks down on her belly and softly touches it. She is glad that she has not gotten aboard it…”

“He walks down the steps slowly. He seems to be exhausted and probably more than eager to return home as soon as able…

And as if the God heard his heart, the light rail transit reaches the platform. All in the sudden, the footsteps become more frequent. Yet, he maintains the same pace as before. He keeps his pace synced to the pace of the young lady who is walking with him; she taps the front of hers, with a stick, everytime before she takes a step.  The slightest sign of impatience is absent from his face. He is concentrating on walking with her, with her hands in his. ‘Speed’ is no longer something that he is emphasizing on…”

 “She treads the stairs carefully. In her hands, there’s his and together, they are heading to the platform below…

The station was previously filled with nothing but the sound of heels or soles. They appear with conversation and laughter; it breaks the unlikely silence and the tired atmosphere. He may not see her before at all. He may not know how she really looks like. Then again, it doesn’t seem to affect anyone of them. The beeping starts but neither of them steps in. And one after another, they don’t get aboard; they intentionally miss out on both of the lines and seem to be enjoying every moment of it as well…”

“He runs back and forth on the court, pushing the ball. The smile on him reflects how he is feeling, innocently…

His father sits there quietly. His sights were placed firmly on him and the rolling ball. There was no sign of how dad is feeling. None until dad walks him to the basket and starts making shots. He cheers for every shot made and he laughs for every score. And there’s a smile on dad’s face. He jumps and claps, even when there’re risks where he will be hit by the other balls; he doesn’t seem to have even thought about that. With dad standing tall beside him, he shows nothing but excitement…”     

Please don’t think about the sequence or the relation of the scenes mentioned. I afraid that the writer couldn’t even explain on it as well; he has no idea of why these scenes are so memorable to him, nor does he have any answer on what he is trying to bring out with them. 

Perhaps, they are reflections of ‘love’? Or perhaps, they are pictures of ‘warmth’?

Whatever they are to him, they are something but how about You who are reading this?

Flash Thought

It's getting blurrier with every passing second. This future which we once shared is slowly thinned, torn and soon, shredded. Once, every bit of focus and strength were channeled on building and realising it, even when it was without me. But now, the same scenario repeated itself, with different people being absent. 

A Mess

This burning and tearing feeling inside of me doesn't match my face expression as well. 

It was my big day; a day which I really wished to share with you, yet you turned your back and showed me nothing but coldness. Still, somehow I feel a pinch of comfort for you to not be here; at least you won't feel any negative feeling. 

Each passing day is pulling us further apart; what I've pushed myself to pick up and be patient with just don't seem to have any effect on you. Perhaps it's because you don't know, but will it change a thing even if you do know? You've made a very determined stand in this and for me, I'm not worthy of another chance at all...

'Relationship'

What is relationship? An event in life where you'll relate yourself with another person, being in/on a same ship. 

How do you keep this 'ship' moving then? Just as a common ship'll require fuel to do so, this 'ship' will need love to move.

As simple as it may sound, yet a lot of ships went sinking into the abyss of no-return. This brings in the next question, why?

'Love' is something that will actually die. Or to be more precise, murdered by us. 'Love' is actually like a baby; it requires constant care, validation, appreciation, admired, understood, time, space and many more...

Sadly, this writer here is a failure in 'love'; I realise the what, how and why about all the mentioned needs, only after I've lost my special her.

So please, feel free to stop reading cause you might ended up with disappointment or time wasted in continuing this. Still, if somehow you are curious with what this fellow has to say, do continue reading...

Ask your parents or any parents out there, is it easy to raise a baby? However, baby is a treasure. That's why many girls like to be called 'baby' by their boy. I regretted that I didn't do so. 

All of our 'baby' boy and 'baby' girl are demanding in their own ways. 'Love' requires works; don't be surprised if you are sometimes required to read, learn and practice to ensure the 'love' remains healthy and growing.

None or not all are born to be great father or mother. I know I am not. But at the same time, not all must ended to be a poor 'love'r. Learn if one is not good enough, change if one is not good enough, improve when one is not good enough...

Still...many 'ships' will sink, many 'love's are literally murdered. For many don't really stay and fix the 'leaks', don't save the 'love'. But can we point finger at the others? No! We are one of the saboteurs, one of the killers.

I am one of them. Some learnt it too late, like me. Some learnt it earlier and have the 'ship' remains operational. The rest, never learn it or even care to think about it.

Your future 'half' left cause of many reasons. Most are cause of pain; imagine the feeling of not being understood, not being cared, not being validated, not being appreciated, not being accepted, I can continue listing and it won't be nearing its end even when one of us falls asleep. 

So what to do next, if the 'ship' has sunk? As simple as it sounds, either you haul it from the depth or get another one. Then again, same might occur and life might becomes a huge cemetery for shipwrecks. 

I was blessed with someone for one year plus. Our 'ship' was not really a solid one. As time goes, leakages are everywhere. Finally, it went sunken on 09/02/2014. And from 10/02/2014 until now, I am reading and improving...

It's stupid, isn't it? To do all these, when I know that she won't return. Now, this is the question, how many people do you need to sink a 'ship' and kill the 'love'? Just One. So how many do you think is/are required to save it? Frankly, I am hoping One but it is actually Two or more.

A simple question, can you ask a 'baby' who is crying to give you his/her candy right away? No! You must do something first. So here I am, doing them... I believe in our future and I do it. Just like only when you believe the 'baby' can give you the candy, then only you will do something first before asking. 

I who have sunk the 'ship' has no right to ask. But this period of time teaches me a lot. Quoted from my her...

"Relationship is like a house. You won't buy the house when the 'lightbulb' is broken, you fix it." The 'lightbulb' could be some issues or challenges or even circumstances that seem to be hopeless. It can all be fixed...

My version of saying...
"Relationship is a 'ship'. You can choose to abandon ship when it carries leaks or you may also fix it. It is tiring but you may not need to do it alone. Fix it together if you believe and love him/her. If he/she really shares your feeling, then the 'ship' can sure run again. Love is never meant to be easy. It carries a lot of challenges. Therefore, be able to find someone who really shares your 'fix the ship' thought and will act upon it is hard".

Still, I wish for those who still have their 'ship' running. Remember that you and your love are Not the same person. That's why we say "I love you" to him/her, instead of "I love me". So don't expect they know what you want, understand automatically or even know how to behave as you wish. However, if he/she truly loves you, there could be a way to make it close to what you have in mind...

'Communicate' is the mother of 'love'. Without it, 'love' becomes weak and can easily be killed. Bear in mind about the differences between everyone and learn how to communicate and love in the way he/she prefers. He/she will do the same if they know this. Do it before the 'ship' sinks and before you have to be like me, going through this test of worthiness made by God.

I love her and I have lost her. I hope she will return but I know she won't. I am doing these for myself and also her... Like what I've said, I believe in future.

Inspired by "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

My Feelings for You

I'm very angry with you; I'm angry with you bearing everything on your own. But I'm even more angrier with myself; I'm angry with my incompetence and helplessness in being there for you. I'm angry for my disability in reaching your heart and changing your mind. I'm angry with myself for my disability in proving to you that your future is here with me.  

I'm scare as well; I'm scare of loosing you now but I am, not I? However, my greatest fear is that this lost will last for the rest of my life. I'm scare of you; I'm afraid that you will be cold to me, like now. I scare that this coldness will last forever. I'm afraid to try to get you back, for I fear any attempt to do that hurts you even more than now. But I fear for you being in the arms of others.

It hurts me to think about you everyday; your smile, your love could bring joy to me, while your tears and anger draws tears from me. But your coldness now and the words you said that day, the current reality, all are hurting me. It hurts me to know you are fighting to let go of me, just as it hurts for me to receive no more cares and intimacy from you. It hurts when I could just voice my worries elsewhere but not to the one I wish to care.

I regretted; I regretted that I didn't really learnt how to care, love and most importantly, communicate with you. I regretted to have known your feeling so late. I regretted being a source of pain to you, instead of the source of love. I regretted to have not faced my true feeling until now. 

There're a lot of regrets in me. But I could still feel love; I love my memory of you smiling, caring, hug or simply being quiet. I love the time when you find me. I love those memories when you scolded me, trying to improve me. I love You and everything about you. And now, I love working my best to establish a better me and a better life for future, our future...

I hope for your return. I hope for you to do nothing but just to feel my love and care until you feel suffice to response. I hope for you to ask me to pursue you back. I hope you will give me and us another month or year to make the lightbulb of our house better. I sincerely hope...that you will remember and find me whenever you need me now or future.

I love you. Please let me to have the opportunity to tell you that when we stand together in the wedding hall... "I love you".

Only then...

When you've lost him/her, only then you realize how much the person really means to you...

When you're deprived of his/her love, only then you put effort to understand how to give the person love...

When you've became no one to him/her, only then you feels the importance of being the person's somebody...

When you've broken-up with him/her, only then you emphasize on how the person feels towards you...

When it's ended... Only then I wish, pray and hope for a start. Only then I put effort in understanding and improving. But then I've lost every right in the world...to care and love her again.  

希望你知道

其实，你从来都不曾是个代替品，也不是个避风港。反而，你是我的救护者。

我并不是你想像中的那么聪明或自信。每次弄你生气了，我不出声，只是会重复地道歉；我对自己完全没信心，觉得很失败，无能。我害怕，所以就不再出声，只顾着道歉。有时候，我会生气，对你发脾气，因我真的很不耐烦，对自己的无能感到不耐烦。

我对你的爱，其实越来越浓烈。越是如此，我越憎恨自己。当你给我冷冷的回复，我很害怕，很不安；我记得我以前这样对你，这并不是你的错，可是我完全不晓得如何帮你加温。为了避免弄你生气，增加你的情绪负担，我选择了躲避。想关心你，可是很害怕对你再造成伤害。

确实，我们常常吵架。我也曾认为我们俩性格不合......可是我不晓得真正的问题在哪里。我以为，忍耐就能解决一切。可是，那始终是个白痴的方法。

在这段时间里，我想了很多，也做了不少的阅读与询问。这我才发现，朱真的是猪。女生的种种行为，言语，我完全不晓得之中真正的意义。其中一个例子，就是当你不开心的时候，我不停打断你的话，很自以为是地给你劝告，叫你别难过。直到如今，我才知道，你要的是我的聆听与陪伴；不是那种开耳朵的听，而是去尝试了解你的感觉，跟你分担，陪你走下去。

当然，我学会了不只是这个。我也明白了男女之间思想与表达方式的差异。那时，当我知道你婆婆出事时，我一味想着给你空间。一来让你专心于鼓励你婆婆，又能避免争吵。你说得对，那不是你要的。其实，那不是女生要的。

我很想，很想对你说我学到的。很想，很想给你知道，其实我们是沟通问题；你有个超级白目的爱人。可是，我该这样吗？你会再信我吗？

我知道你已经累了。你还爱我，可是你已经决定了离去。这决定对你的伤害是无比的大。你如今的冷漠，只是在保护自己。有一次，你还想提醒我，别变成你憎恨的人。假如我再联络你，再烦你，你的心只会更痛，你只会对自己施加更多的压力。我很心疼。你知道，我每想到这里，都会哭的吗？因我不能再抱住你，以你要的方式去爱护你。

我爱你，嘉敏。快放下我吧。加油！未来，你假如与别人陷入爱河时，记得别记得我。可是当你不开心，受伤说害时，请想起我。我很无能，不敢再跟你说话，所以也无法跟你说这些。希望有哪天，你自己会看到。




爱你。

'His' Story

After hours being at the court, he carries himself back to his car. Sitting, his sweats drip from all over his body, including from both of his eyes. Without another person's hand to be held on, his hands grasp on each other and placed on top of the sterling wheel. As the sweating heavies, he rests his forehead on his fists...

The breathing becomes heavier and heavier. Uncontrollably, it turns into nausea and its sound is the only thing that breaks the silence inside his car. 

As time passes, he slowly lifts his head and lays on the headrest. The street lights which supposed to have fixed shapes becomes distorted and the reflection on the window becomes his only passenger.  Still, he removes the passenger from his seat...

There, with the opened window, he receives comforts from the wind that follows behind every passing vehicles. Every touches that he receives becomes colder and colder. He is all alone; it's so cold but there's no one whom he could borrow the warmth from. 

He knows that he is responsible for loosing the warmth blessed upon him. He understands that it has already became a fact. Even when he still carries the hope and making the prayers, he does notice that these actions will bring nothing. It is painful to hold on to whatever he is gripping now. But the rose is the only thing left that could relate him to her...

He still hopes for her return. He still pushing himself to improve. 

He still misses her. He still loves her.

Then again, he knows he needs to move on, as she might has already did so. One day, she will be in the arms of other and he might feels his cuts bleed again. Regardless, it is out of his power and it could only be dealt with when it does really happen...

For now, he will leave the place with her hair clips within his palm. It will leave a mark or even draw blood. However, in time, the pain will either be healed or sunk into the depth... What happens next, is beyond control and prediction.

Reflections

Slowly... My eyelids lifted, my body rose, my legs set and into the dim, I walked. 

Here I were, standing in front of a wooden wardrobe. My hands laid upon the handles. The grips were tighten but no further actions were made.

Out of the window, in the dark, I saw nothing. Yet in this nothingness, I sensed loneliness, unsettlement, fear, sorrows and regrets.

I am lonely, I am unsettled, I am afraid, I am in pain and I am in regrets. Still, it was insisted that both of the grips on handles started to move further away from each other.

The picture of me hugging her for the first time, the picture of her walking alone behind me, the picture of her lying beside me, the picture of her smiling after crying, the picture of her playing with me, the picture of her sitting there on the bench, the picture of us arguing, the picture of her crying behind my back, the picture of me being resentful and not understanding, the picture of us hugging, the picture of us kissing, the picture of us having meal together, the picture of her trying to improve me, the picture of her being tired in teaching me, the picture of her offering her hug, the picture of me staring at her, the picture of her waiting for my reply, the picture of me being addicted to games, the picture of us having a walk together, the picture of her hoping for my company, the picture of me ignoring her, the picture of her appreciating me, the picture of me being proud to have her, the picture of her having her hair dressed, the picture of me driving her, the picture of me giving her spaces, the picture of her wishing for my call, the picture of us breaking up, the picture of me smiling with tears, the picture of her being indifferent, the picture of her...the picture of me...the picture of us...

One by one, they caught the light. One by one, they started burn away. One by one, they turned into ashes...right in front of me and I couldn't do anything to protect them. 

The tears flow down from my eyes and the same happened to her. The heart cracked within me and the same occurred in her. The picture of our future shattered and the pieces fell in front of our eyes.

I plead. I prayed. Then again, the one who wasted her love deserved no opportunity anymore. 

How much I wished to scream. How much I wished to tell. Regardless, I could never reach into her again. 

I pushed. I understood. I changed. Perhaps the progresses are too tiny to make any dent on the tall wall surrounding her.

How much I wished to reconcile. How much I wished to have.Still, all I could do is just watching her leaving...

Suddenly... There is a warmth feeling coming from my back, two arms are laid around my waist, her forehead rested on my shoulder and to her, I turn, hug and kiss. 

The dim slowly brighten up. I go close to her ears, while appreciating the smell of her hair, I whispered, "I love You, girl...from the past, at the current and until the future." 










"I can be the happiest and most blessed guy on Earth thanks to you. I smile and enjoy every moment of life because I have you. Even when you are not by my side, I can be what I said, because You are always right here, all I need to do is just to look at the mirror..."