A Gamble

Some may think I am standing up from the separation with you, while some may think I am still denying the fact that you have left me. Frankly, I am not certain as well.

Deep down, I am crying in hope of your return, wishing that these efforts of changing and understanding can eventually provide a better future of us together. But I wonder whether this hope will ever come true, for I really doubted it.

I really wish for you to know what I am doing and see my sincerity. Then again I am afraid of letting you know might either drive you away even further or disturb your current peace of mind.

You might ask me not to waste time and tell me how much we tend to be incompatible. Still...I believe the difference will add colours to our future. I never did understand what you've wanted in the past. I never did try to see things from your eyes previously. The continuous arguments between us just piled up the resentment between us and hurting the poor you. Looking back, there was really not much of a future. 

I don't know how to convince you that we will have a future this time. I don't know how to convince you that I have changed this time. Not to mention, asking for another opportunity to be your man this time. 

I understand that you and I have broken-up and it is a wise decision. But I sincerely wish that we could start a new relationship together again. 

It is a gamble. One which I won't even believe it, if I could win. 

I'm Sorry

"You must have a very disappointing, heart-breaking time. Your feelings were invalidated and your opinions were not respected. You were not heard or even shown the cares and loves when you need them. To have such a self-centered man and to be with him for so long...it must have been a great torture for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the blames, the not-understanding, and the failure to satisfy your needs and wants, when they are actually very little actions. I'm really, really sorry."

I know it's too late for me to try to change anything now; I have lost you. Still...I really wish to be a better man that you deserve to have. I really wish to show you a future where you are living happily ever after. The chance for us to continue our tale might be very slim or even impossible, but I will be there for you. It is not a talk of desperation or a hope of reconciliation, it is an effort for future happiness, which I truly hope that you will be the one sharing it with me...

In time, I will put more effort in understanding you and change myself to be a better man. You may stop believing in me but I will show you for real, and show the world that "the girl who teaches a man how to love CAN be his last girl".

A Painful Relief

Our story has officially ended. The war seems to have eased up, even just by a little. Knowing such, I can vividly feel the touch of the goddess of joy, which draw a smile on my lips. 

I feel grateful for the easing of struggle. Even when I'm bearing the lifted lips of joy, together with the tears of sadness. Finally, after so long, I've did something for her...

But there will always be a sentence which I will never stop saying to you, "You are a fine girl. I love you."

It's painful but it's comforting in its own way...

The Worries and Misses

It is an exceptionally long day. There is this aching inside of me and the stuffing mind, in which both seems to be restless. Even after her clear response and decision, I still couldn't stop checking my phone, hoping that her picture will appear at my screen, together with another chance. Perhaps this is "Insanity" or "Fool".

The words she said replays in my mind, sweeping my heart with an iron brush. "Can we please stop contacting each other?", "Where'll you stay?", "Is it so shameful?", "I don't wish to waste our time", "I see no future with you", etc. The replays remind me of the reality, of the suffering that she is facing now. It draws tears within me, and paints countless worries in me.

Every now and then, the sanctuary above becomes the direction I stare, asking unanswered questions like how she is feeling now, has she taken any food until now, how about water, does she has anyone to talk to, is she crying or being numb now?

I wish that she'll think about me and find me, for I miss her. However, I pressure on the hope that she will not do any of the mentioned, for it will intensify her pain, sorrow, loneliness, sadness, and disappointment. 

I wish to text her, maybe as less as few days before, providing her space and time. But is that really what she needs now? A catalyst for pain? My action is halted but my mind continues, pondering about her current situation and day-dreaming about her smile, the smell of her hair, her pinches, her angry look, her hug and hands, her everything. 

The hunger for her appearance grows, together with the guilt and the will to protect her. How much I wish for her to know that I miss her, I want her, and I love her. How much I wish she would let me show her what I've learnt and how I will cherish her until she will stay by my side till the very end. Yet...in her eyes, these might all be nothing but empty words, nothing but spikes that will harm her more.

Dear Lord, I believe You have guided me to her, considering we are a match made in heaven at the beginning of our tale. And You have walked her away, as the fool didn't cherish the special her. But I pray for Your aid, Your miracle, which will ease her and lead us back together - a foolish and greedy hope.

On My Feet Again

The cut is still fresh but mine is not the deepest. The war wages on within but mine is not the largest. It is the time where every reconciliation attempt slashes the one whom I love, thus, a time where which direction should I take on this unseen junction becomes clear.

A million "sorry" and a trillion "I love you" will not heal the wound. There is a difference between words and actions, which regrettably learnt too late. The tale within needs to be rewritten, erasing the negativity, for that is not the way of how a person should cherish another, even if there're just memories left behind.

This decision of hers was made upon the price pain, love, and tears. I should honor it neither by my selfishness, nor my tears or pain...

I've made the journey tougher for her with my stupid responses. I'm sorry. Now, I shall take a step away from the spotlight and pray that time will heal her pain. I need to be the source of positivity that will, hopefully, charges up the one so special to me.

May whoever read this could spare me a prayer, for her well-being and happiness; her smile is one of her sides that I miss the most.

Night Whisper

Twelve times, have the wood-framed clock ring. The sound of it breaks through the silent night of an empty man. It provides a short but sole companionship, as the darkness of the night substitutes his heartbeat. 

The formation of every word is made obvious by the tick and the tock. He is filled with thoughts...but none recognizable by his conscious. He is stuffed with emotions...but neither can co-exist with another logically; he feels pain, worry, hope, and disappointment but at the same time, emptiness within.

The separation wraps every message with thorns. Yet, he couldn't stop grabbing hold on the stem of the dying rose. He prays for and believe in the revival of the rose. It draws blood but it's nothing compared to the feeling of hers, who has spent almost one and a half year, growing the rose together with him.

It's his lacking of compassion that have rendered the rose to its current state. He knows he deserves no further chances but the foolish him within, hopes for it to grow back and able to let him cherishes it more than before. 

"Sweety, please stop your tears and take good care of yourself. It must have been very hurtful for you. Sorry for bringing it to you. So please be strong. Have a good rest. I will always pray for your well-being and happiness."