'Beer'

Slowly, the bubbles rise all the way up to the top. Unexplainably, your shadow seems to be present behind this unlikely curtain. Standing still in front of me like a vivid reflection, there’s no way for me to grab hold of you yet there’s no way for me to shake off this want of mine to stay. There’s a sense of warmth seeing you… There’s an incomparable coldness meeting you… Everything becomes like these bubbles, unclear but with a twist of clarity.

As much confusion as they bring, the bubbles literally dissolve in the air. Their existence is so short, so are you in reality; you never stay long enough, without trying to hint me to give up on this pursuit of mine. I never know why there’s always a part of me that cares so much about you until the whole me becomes so sensitive to your actions and words. Then again I never care much about it. All I care is whether my care and attention for you are like bubbles in your eyes?

The foams are never as tasteful as the drink below. Their existence bestows the drink below with an alluring figure. At the same time, they could be a barrier to fend off poor drinker, allowing only those who are considered to be worthy. It’s invisible but a similar existence is surrounding you. It’s put up intentionally by you and it actually fits finely. However, it always makes me wonder what it is for and whether I will be considered as the worthy one?

Like beer, you could always relief my mind off all the troubles of the world but at a price. Your smile, your actions, your feeling and everything else about you could cause addiction; the happiness, the warmth, the hope, the heartbreaks, the disappointments, the jealousy and every other emotion that follows you are making me your alcoholic. It could be difficult to swallow sometimes, but I never stop taking it all in......

The aftermath of having a drink is almost the same every time. Even so, I am still unable to restrain myself from thinking about you. This feeling for you is always being rejected, redirected, splattered and ignored; they always bring upon emotional breakdowns, desperation, confusions and doubts. Yet, I am unwilling to give up like a fool. My leftover conscious after drinking this bottle of beer is always focusing of being able to get hold of your hand through the foam and bubbles, for the rest of the time.

"You may not an essential in my life but you are someone that I don't wish to left out from my life. It's true that you could be a friend of mine but so can other girl. Why you? I wish I could tell you the answer as well but sadly I don't have any idea at all. Perhaps...you are my type of beer and I am somehow addicted to you. So, may God opens your eyes and heart to see and feel what I am doing and feeling."

A Pending Performance

The prelude was of nothing catchy. The beats used were slow and the keys involved were relatively same throughout the first few weeks; she was an ordinary girl, with a pair of spectacles and long, brown hair. There wasn't any thought that included her in the picture. Her identity was clear, being Ms. T.

The music played on and things started to show some signs of life. A few question marks were switched on. A small quarter inside was being occupied and a signboard, written "Ms. T" could be found there; the silence was broken, with attempts for conversation made.

It was then when one of the pieces involved over-charged. The beats were pushed too high in too short notice. The intended became so wrong. Two-ways turned into one and the conversation was made into interrogation; unanticipated intrusion of emotions and sensitivities flushed the whole song down the drain. The gate to her went shut, with a lock put on as well.

Without the key and without replacement, the whole play ceased. Everything was boxed and shunted aside. Huge pieces of cloth were laid on top every piece of instruments; silence came in and occupied every corner of the room. Nothing could really be done, so I turned my back and decided to walk away.

Yet, something was left behind. Every step taken became heavier and more gut-wrenching in time. Finally, I stopped but all the way back was a picture of Ms. T with another guy. It's not explainable but jealousy slapped me hard; hurtful and insulting words just rammed out, followed by regrets. It further complicated things, on top of the impression that her whole attention was focused on him.

Things were hopeless. Even so, the topics just couldn't help to be circling around her. The music was rewritten, prepared for a future of slim possibilities. There weren't any sweets given around that time, only some pills that required to be kept in mouth until it all melts away......

Now, I'm still on medication; my beatings aren't really normal and my emotions aren't really recognizable. The music still wasn't played properly to its designated audience. There was no idea on when she will be free to hear it out but there was no intention of dumping anything as well. 

May the time be the witness, as well as the judge......

Complication vs Simplicity

It's making me wonder, is the spectacles that I'm putting on makes the world as it is? I may enjoy a ew things that carry the 'complicating' tag in life, eg. music, story, tea, coffee, sports, games, etc. Then again, I never know that spectacles could be labelled such as well.

Still, I couldn't help but to wonder about the opposite. What is it in my life that is simple? It's definitely not my life, it's not my relationship either, nor will it be my family or my dressing, so?

It's then when I realize 'simple' does not exist in my life. In fact, I doubt it exists in anyone's life; even breathing is a complicated process. And to be feeling tired and sick of complications in life, I would come to one single complicated solution - suicide. However, I would need to figure out a way to die in the least painful, most handsome and worth-telling way......

Frankly, I am feeling quite miserable now. There're loads of complaints on the complications that I've faced today and tons of words to be used to express this emotional cocktail that my heart is drinking. After all, it's the reason why I would pick up my pen at the first place!

Somehow, when I wished to start this whole thing with descriptions of the mess in my head, things just got out of my hand and 'realization' just slapped me hard like I'm being an asshole to her.

Nothing in life is meant to be simple, nor are they born to be complicated. As far as I know, every human or living being is born to be a complicated organism, cells, tissues, muscles, organs, systems and the whole thing could go on and on. If so, 'simplicity' should be a non-existing factor in the universe, right?

Even though facts seem to be agreeing to it but when I come to think about it, who invented the phrase 'complication' and 'simplicity' anyway? It's one of the complicated living creatures known as 'human'......

So it might be true that 'simplicity' never exist in the world but I realize the same goes for 'complication'. After all, the term 'invention' means creating something that did not exist before, right?

And to be one of the most complicated beings on earth, we should be feeling blessed; everyone of us is capable of building something out of nothing or creating something that did no exist before.

Therefore, if you are like me, dislike complications and grow tired of them, why don't just throw away the "complicating" spectacles that we are wearing and see the world with our "simple" eyes instead? There I go again, complicating things up  ^.^

Good Morning

As she runs across the earth with an infinite length black cloth following her back, everything below gets shrouded by it. All in the sudden, a never-ending night seems to have occupied the sky of that world; with the absence of the moon and stars, the surrounding just got dominated by darkness.

A circumstance with no match or lighter at all; there's no telling on what's in front...

An environment with no noise or speech; there's no telling on whether there's life around...

It wasn't long before all kind of emotions come crashing down on me/you. The loneliness, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, disappointments, regrets, anger, frustration, hatred, insecurity, depression, stress, and the negativity list might keeps on growing in length; what's used to be above just felt like coming down and the world just seems to be shrinking and narrowing.

Soon, every door is shut tight and every contact is shoved away. Everything will be literally pushed aside to make way for all the space and time that one instinctively need under such circumstance. Still, these settings are sometimes being forcefully bestowed upon a person. Regardless, the outcome remains unknown and the time could have just stopped there for the rest of lifetime.

"Are you being content being caught up in this forever?"

"Are you be hoping for no end to all these?"

"Are you enjoying every bit of these?"

Suddenly, in the dark, you notice someone is walking towards you and you couldn't believe your eyes of who you are seeing as the person gets closer; the "No"s that you gave in answering the questions slowly being materialized around you, as the You in front lay his/her hand on you and slowly hug you. The tears just flow down on their own and your cry breaks the silence.

As the inner sea starts to calm itself down, the shrunk world around you just got widen by all the "No"s and the spots of tears on the floor crystallized before shooting up to the dark sky, meeting somewhere at the far side of the sky.

Slowly, the orb formed by your tears shines, getting warmer and gaining orange in color. After a little while, an orange line is drawn across the black-colored sky; the fairies of the earth must have been waken up by the light, as they gracefully dance through the trees and grass, leaving a trail of positiveness: warmth, laughter, hopes, energy, smiles, etc.

Everything around regains their color and the sky turns light blue. The symphony of nature is played, by birds and other animals.

"Good Morning..."

There's always a Morning in life; you just need to look for it and there it will be, for you and only you.

Only You

When the car stopped and its door is unlocked, the driver left his seat to greet you and relief you of the hassle of opening the door to the passenger seat beside his; whether or not there's another car behind his at that time was of no importance at all.

Only after the belt rested softly across your breathtaking figure and the smoothing CD has been put on 'play', he then works his responsibility to drive you to the place that well-suites your grace and existence; when the journey started, necessity was no longer the reason for him to check on the side mirror nearest to you.

As the car travels along the traffic, he lowers down the air-conditioner, noted how vulnerable the fine dress have made you to the low temperature in the car; in order to keep your inner self warm and cozy, he started to sing along the "Singalongsong" that was meant only for you.

Slowly and softly he stepped on the break pedal, while you are detaching the seat belt, he offed the engine and walked down the car and get to the door on your side; when you were ready, he opened up the door and let your appearance shone through every corner of the street.

He kept his tag as driver and put on another, with 'security' written on it, then he walked you to the vintage, classy cafe that has been painted in mysterious orange just to get bit closer to the mysterious you; he offered his palm for yours to rest on it and opened up every door and inch of path in front of you.

Knowing how much the coffee tastes better when it is warm, he ordered a cup of hot mocha, complimented by a slice of fine cheese cake for you; the foam on the mocha exhibits the feeling of many, including himself, dedicated for you, while its taste carries only bitterness that is gentle enough for you.

Finally, he has muscled up enough courage to look right into the eyes of this mesmerizing, magnetizing angel on earth and talked, listened to you; how blessed he feels to play such roles in your life and how confused he is, knowing that he is bestowed with such privilege even when he is of such minor existence on this earth.

He just couldn't keep his eyes off you throughout the conversation, the same goes to his ears, heart and the urge to start telling you about your never-ending uniqueness; he excused himself, returned with tissues and a cup of water, when some of the mocha just couldn't bear to leave your cute, delicious lips. 

Automatically, his phone came out from his pocket and started to snap your pictures of every single action and smile; every instinctive click on the button just reminded him of how lucky he is and every scene taken shunt renowned paintings of ladies, like "Mona Lisa", "The Birth of Venus" and "Girl with a Pearl Earring".

You are fine beyond your understanding and the universe's comprehension until your existence should only be fit in heaven; the Mr. 'Timekeeper' got so caught up by your beauty until he forgot to maintain the pace of the passing time as it should be and hours just flew away in light-speed...

He stood up, moved up beside you and opened up his hand to accept the blessing by your soft and gentle touch; step by step he led you down the stairs and out from the cafe before it got overwhelmed by your intolerable physical and personality. 

The journey back went slow and steady, inevitably, the whole city gathered along the route which he taken with you just to have a glimpse of this heavenly individual; the 17th track, "够不够" came in at the very time and he sang it, while looking at you with a smile, trying to be playful and cheeky around you.

Sharp at 12, the princess has been sent to her doorsteps and he was going to leave his car to service you again; however, before he did so, he said "Thank you" while looking at you, then slowly, he got close and kissed you on your cute cheek, knowing he will be damned for doing such to a sweet, sweet angel like you.

"Girl, may I be your driver and security guard for the rest of my life? I am crazy in love with You and I know you know it. So please don't do anything cruel to me for I could be as fragile as a piece of glass..."

Vessel

If there's a vessel sailing on the open sea, with no telling of where, no telling of how, no telling of when and why, would it still be considered as 'sailing' or it is more appropriate to describe it as 'drifting'?

 

Its haul might be damaged from the rocks and waves, just as its crews might be overwhelmed by the worries and uncertainties and yet, it still carries on, travelling, sailing or drifting, from one point to another. Would it be somewhat pityful or it is more of a fool's persistence?

 

The ocean wasn't meant to remain settled forever, just as the wind wasn't meant to remain silent for the rest of time. Still, there'll always be some pleasent time from now and then. Then again, how should it be reacted to? With celebration and joy or with silence and stillness?

 

A normal cycle of a vessel tends to circle around sea and harbor; it is at the sea, where it could live to its purpose and goal and it is at the harbor, where it could be repaired and prepared for the next undertaking...yet, as simple as it may sound to be, not all is blessed with this simplicity.

 

How long have it been, since anyone of us ever stop and rest for a decent period of time without thinking or worrying about when it should be ended? To be not thinking about the troubles, remorses, regrets, feedbacks or anything burdensome in life...

 

How long have it been, since anyone of us ever take our bag and leave home, not to work, play or out of any particular purpose but simply, to embark on a journey which would allow us to be mesmerized by the beauty of everything and everyone that stood on this earth?

 

There could always be a list filled with "How long..." However, it's quite rare to even have a small note filled with preciase dates and time.

 

Life's like a vessel sometimes; it could be worse or same but at the same time, it could be slightly or way better as well. It is never really or perhaps rarely, a matter of how life force us to be but it is really, precisely or perhaps always, a story of how we force life to be...

 

How many of us realise about it?

How many of us know and do something about it?

How many of us even admiting it at the first place?

 

 

Happiness and laughters could be lasting, only if we allow them enough time to root. Sadness and regrets could be uplifted, only if we provide them enough time to heal. Everything can be altered, only if we give and let it to happen. But do I? Do you?

 

'No'

Ever since the first cry, we have somewhat became the couple of 'No'. Most of us actually dislike this partner of ours, yet we just can't seem to be able to shake it off. 

All those dumpers and dumpees out there, how many times have we dumped or be dumped? Then again, as often as 'dump' happens on you and me, never once it is applicable on the 'No'. 

"No! You can't do this."

"No! You can't do that."

We don't love the word. In fact, we hate to get it from others sometimes. We loved our ex and might still be loving him/her as well. Still, we dumped or be dumped. Why? Have anyone of us ever ask ourselves why this will happen?

"No?" 

"Why no? Why none?"

"Why we can be so cruel to others sometimes for ourselves yet in this manner, we are as helpless as them?"

"No?"

"Are you not as helpless as I've said?"

"Then you still can't get the 'No' out of your life?"

"Not within your control?"

"Are you sure?" 

"No! You are not!"

"No. This is wrong. "

"No. This is impossible"

"No. This is shameful."

"No. I can't be with him/her."

"No. He/She won't change."

"No......"

And I wonder why I can't kick the 'No' out of my life like how I was kicked out by others or kicked out others. Now, isn't that a joke? 

"Yes, it is." 

"I've stopped myself in a lot of things, failing to accomplished many as well."

"I think in my past lifes, I were:

i) the guy who said there's no way I can talk to someone without seeing him, 

ii) the guy who said man can never fly in the sky, 

iii) the guy who said man can never stay under the water,

iv) the guy who said girls can never work,

v) the guy who said that, that, that is impossible..."

"Now...I am still running on the 'No' chip and keep using it on others and myself."

"I am the 'No' man, the Mr. Impossible."

"But am I alone?"

"Yes, I am!"

Now remember this for it is rare for a 'No' man to say 'Yes'... So, can you understand me?

You Should Know...

You are never a girl with bad temper; you are just being caring.

You are never too demanding; you are trying to show me how you want me to love you better. 

You are never fat; you are just telling the world that you've found the right one, whom you can enjoy your life with.

You are never selfish; you are still caring by reading this and your decision would allow a fresh start for us.

You are never unloved anymore; you will always be someone in me, whom I love till the last breathe. 

Give me your hand again and I shall hold them firmly this time. 

Show me your vulnerability and I shall wrap it with love.

Turn on your back and I shall always look over you from far.

The Lesson from Expressing Love

If I have met you when I was 3, I would not know how to write you a love letter. Instead, I would tell you about my feeling using the easiest words, "I love you".

7 years later, I would start to feel shy and ashamed of expressing my feeling to you directly. Hence, I would write you my first love note and it will go like this, "I am not Spiderman but I will always stick to you. I am not Superman but I will fight off people who try to bully you. I love you".

As time goes by, my vocabulary tends to be enriched. And by that time, I could write you my first love letter, "You are as bright as the moon at night; you shed light to the darkness inside me. Whenever you smile, I couldn't help but to be stunned and mesmerized by it. You are magical...... I love you".

In time, my ability to express my feeling to you might seem to be improved. However, it could be deteriorating as well; I've lost the ability to be direct. In fact, I am complicating things more and more. My feeling for you remains but regardless of how much I wish for you to know, I could no longer express myself like when I was 5. If only you understand, know and believe...... I love you. 

How often...

How often do we have the opportunity to make the first impression to a person? And how often do we fail to do so or even bother to do so?

How often do we say 'thank you' to a person that has helped us in a day? And how often do we be grateful to those who helped us since our birth or a certain stage in life?

How often do we pass by the same spot or meet the same person? And how often do we slow down to really take a look and say a 'hi' or leave a smile?

How often do we comment or evaluate a person in the things he/she does? And how often do we reflect on ourselves on the things we did?

How often do we be nice and sweet in front of the person that we admired? And how often do we show least of those mentioned to others, including those that we've first met?

How often do we love someone and make someone special in our life? And how often do we have to end the shared chapter by our own or witness to it being ended by others?

How often do we mold ourselves to fit in the "Cinderella's shoes"? And how often do we show our true self without much restrain and embrace us as of ourselves?

How often do we make a promise, with or without us meaning it? And how often do we keep it and make it happen even though it has been late or have passed the circumstances? 

How often do we feel emotional and offer advice or aids for the ending of something in others' life? And how often do we take those that we'll offered when the ending is in ours?

How often do we lay too little importance and concern on a person or thing? And how often do we feel regret and really willing to commit after a lost?

How often do we believe that the future is already written? And how often do we realize that the future is gone, due to our own issues?

How often...

There're many things in life which one could use two words on it and turn it into a rhetorical question. However, there's always this one last question, "How often do we know or realize about something and we just leave it or drive it to the ledge?"

If any of the "How often..." hits you, please think about it and if you have the will, even "1 time" could be the answer to the question.

Undefined Scenes

“She stands there, waiting to return to her loved ones. And it isn’t long before her wish is made possible…

The crowd starts to funnel into the monorail. However, she takes a step back at that very moment; she gives up on her opportunity to return earlier. Just as fast as her wish is made possible, just as fast the realization of it is being prolonged. As the crowd clears out, her face becomes seeable. She shows no sign of frustration about being left behind or cut in line. Instead, there’s a sign of relief on her; she smiles while she looks down on her belly and softly touches it. She is glad that she has not gotten aboard it…”

“He walks down the steps slowly. He seems to be exhausted and probably more than eager to return home as soon as able…

And as if the God heard his heart, the light rail transit reaches the platform. All in the sudden, the footsteps become more frequent. Yet, he maintains the same pace as before. He keeps his pace synced to the pace of the young lady who is walking with him; she taps the front of hers, with a stick, everytime before she takes a step.  The slightest sign of impatience is absent from his face. He is concentrating on walking with her, with her hands in his. ‘Speed’ is no longer something that he is emphasizing on…”

 “She treads the stairs carefully. In her hands, there’s his and together, they are heading to the platform below…

The station was previously filled with nothing but the sound of heels or soles. They appear with conversation and laughter; it breaks the unlikely silence and the tired atmosphere. He may not see her before at all. He may not know how she really looks like. Then again, it doesn’t seem to affect anyone of them. The beeping starts but neither of them steps in. And one after another, they don’t get aboard; they intentionally miss out on both of the lines and seem to be enjoying every moment of it as well…”

“He runs back and forth on the court, pushing the ball. The smile on him reflects how he is feeling, innocently…

His father sits there quietly. His sights were placed firmly on him and the rolling ball. There was no sign of how dad is feeling. None until dad walks him to the basket and starts making shots. He cheers for every shot made and he laughs for every score. And there’s a smile on dad’s face. He jumps and claps, even when there’re risks where he will be hit by the other balls; he doesn’t seem to have even thought about that. With dad standing tall beside him, he shows nothing but excitement…”     

Please don’t think about the sequence or the relation of the scenes mentioned. I afraid that the writer couldn’t even explain on it as well; he has no idea of why these scenes are so memorable to him, nor does he have any answer on what he is trying to bring out with them. 

Perhaps, they are reflections of ‘love’? Or perhaps, they are pictures of ‘warmth’?

Whatever they are to him, they are something but how about You who are reading this?

Flash Thought

It's getting blurrier with every passing second. This future which we once shared is slowly thinned, torn and soon, shredded. Once, every bit of focus and strength were channeled on building and realising it, even when it was without me. But now, the same scenario repeated itself, with different people being absent. 

A Mess

This burning and tearing feeling inside of me doesn't match my face expression as well. 

It was my big day; a day which I really wished to share with you, yet you turned your back and showed me nothing but coldness. Still, somehow I feel a pinch of comfort for you to not be here; at least you won't feel any negative feeling. 

Each passing day is pulling us further apart; what I've pushed myself to pick up and be patient with just don't seem to have any effect on you. Perhaps it's because you don't know, but will it change a thing even if you do know? You've made a very determined stand in this and for me, I'm not worthy of another chance at all...

'Relationship'

What is relationship? An event in life where you'll relate yourself with another person, being in/on a same ship. 

How do you keep this 'ship' moving then? Just as a common ship'll require fuel to do so, this 'ship' will need love to move.

As simple as it may sound, yet a lot of ships went sinking into the abyss of no-return. This brings in the next question, why?

'Love' is something that will actually die. Or to be more precise, murdered by us. 'Love' is actually like a baby; it requires constant care, validation, appreciation, admired, understood, time, space and many more...

Sadly, this writer here is a failure in 'love'; I realise the what, how and why about all the mentioned needs, only after I've lost my special her.

So please, feel free to stop reading cause you might ended up with disappointment or time wasted in continuing this. Still, if somehow you are curious with what this fellow has to say, do continue reading...

Ask your parents or any parents out there, is it easy to raise a baby? However, baby is a treasure. That's why many girls like to be called 'baby' by their boy. I regretted that I didn't do so. 

All of our 'baby' boy and 'baby' girl are demanding in their own ways. 'Love' requires works; don't be surprised if you are sometimes required to read, learn and practice to ensure the 'love' remains healthy and growing.

None or not all are born to be great father or mother. I know I am not. But at the same time, not all must ended to be a poor 'love'r. Learn if one is not good enough, change if one is not good enough, improve when one is not good enough...

Still...many 'ships' will sink, many 'love's are literally murdered. For many don't really stay and fix the 'leaks', don't save the 'love'. But can we point finger at the others? No! We are one of the saboteurs, one of the killers.

I am one of them. Some learnt it too late, like me. Some learnt it earlier and have the 'ship' remains operational. The rest, never learn it or even care to think about it.

Your future 'half' left cause of many reasons. Most are cause of pain; imagine the feeling of not being understood, not being cared, not being validated, not being appreciated, not being accepted, I can continue listing and it won't be nearing its end even when one of us falls asleep. 

So what to do next, if the 'ship' has sunk? As simple as it sounds, either you haul it from the depth or get another one. Then again, same might occur and life might becomes a huge cemetery for shipwrecks. 

I was blessed with someone for one year plus. Our 'ship' was not really a solid one. As time goes, leakages are everywhere. Finally, it went sunken on 09/02/2014. And from 10/02/2014 until now, I am reading and improving...

It's stupid, isn't it? To do all these, when I know that she won't return. Now, this is the question, how many people do you need to sink a 'ship' and kill the 'love'? Just One. So how many do you think is/are required to save it? Frankly, I am hoping One but it is actually Two or more.

A simple question, can you ask a 'baby' who is crying to give you his/her candy right away? No! You must do something first. So here I am, doing them... I believe in our future and I do it. Just like only when you believe the 'baby' can give you the candy, then only you will do something first before asking. 

I who have sunk the 'ship' has no right to ask. But this period of time teaches me a lot. Quoted from my her...

"Relationship is like a house. You won't buy the house when the 'lightbulb' is broken, you fix it." The 'lightbulb' could be some issues or challenges or even circumstances that seem to be hopeless. It can all be fixed...

My version of saying...
"Relationship is a 'ship'. You can choose to abandon ship when it carries leaks or you may also fix it. It is tiring but you may not need to do it alone. Fix it together if you believe and love him/her. If he/she really shares your feeling, then the 'ship' can sure run again. Love is never meant to be easy. It carries a lot of challenges. Therefore, be able to find someone who really shares your 'fix the ship' thought and will act upon it is hard".

Still, I wish for those who still have their 'ship' running. Remember that you and your love are Not the same person. That's why we say "I love you" to him/her, instead of "I love me". So don't expect they know what you want, understand automatically or even know how to behave as you wish. However, if he/she truly loves you, there could be a way to make it close to what you have in mind...

'Communicate' is the mother of 'love'. Without it, 'love' becomes weak and can easily be killed. Bear in mind about the differences between everyone and learn how to communicate and love in the way he/she prefers. He/she will do the same if they know this. Do it before the 'ship' sinks and before you have to be like me, going through this test of worthiness made by God.

I love her and I have lost her. I hope she will return but I know she won't. I am doing these for myself and also her... Like what I've said, I believe in future.

Inspired by "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

My Feelings for You

I'm very angry with you; I'm angry with you bearing everything on your own. But I'm even more angrier with myself; I'm angry with my incompetence and helplessness in being there for you. I'm angry for my disability in reaching your heart and changing your mind. I'm angry with myself for my disability in proving to you that your future is here with me.  

I'm scare as well; I'm scare of loosing you now but I am, not I? However, my greatest fear is that this lost will last for the rest of my life. I'm scare of you; I'm afraid that you will be cold to me, like now. I scare that this coldness will last forever. I'm afraid to try to get you back, for I fear any attempt to do that hurts you even more than now. But I fear for you being in the arms of others.

It hurts me to think about you everyday; your smile, your love could bring joy to me, while your tears and anger draws tears from me. But your coldness now and the words you said that day, the current reality, all are hurting me. It hurts me to know you are fighting to let go of me, just as it hurts for me to receive no more cares and intimacy from you. It hurts when I could just voice my worries elsewhere but not to the one I wish to care.

I regretted; I regretted that I didn't really learnt how to care, love and most importantly, communicate with you. I regretted to have known your feeling so late. I regretted being a source of pain to you, instead of the source of love. I regretted to have not faced my true feeling until now. 

There're a lot of regrets in me. But I could still feel love; I love my memory of you smiling, caring, hug or simply being quiet. I love the time when you find me. I love those memories when you scolded me, trying to improve me. I love You and everything about you. And now, I love working my best to establish a better me and a better life for future, our future...

I hope for your return. I hope for you to do nothing but just to feel my love and care until you feel suffice to response. I hope for you to ask me to pursue you back. I hope you will give me and us another month or year to make the lightbulb of our house better. I sincerely hope...that you will remember and find me whenever you need me now or future.

I love you. Please let me to have the opportunity to tell you that when we stand together in the wedding hall... "I love you".

Only then...

When you've lost him/her, only then you realize how much the person really means to you...

When you're deprived of his/her love, only then you put effort to understand how to give the person love...

When you've became no one to him/her, only then you feels the importance of being the person's somebody...

When you've broken-up with him/her, only then you emphasize on how the person feels towards you...

When it's ended... Only then I wish, pray and hope for a start. Only then I put effort in understanding and improving. But then I've lost every right in the world...to care and love her again.  

希望你知道

其实，你从来都不曾是个代替品，也不是个避风港。反而，你是我的救护者。

我并不是你想像中的那么聪明或自信。每次弄你生气了，我不出声，只是会重复地道歉；我对自己完全没信心，觉得很失败，无能。我害怕，所以就不再出声，只顾着道歉。有时候，我会生气，对你发脾气，因我真的很不耐烦，对自己的无能感到不耐烦。

我对你的爱，其实越来越浓烈。越是如此，我越憎恨自己。当你给我冷冷的回复，我很害怕，很不安；我记得我以前这样对你，这并不是你的错，可是我完全不晓得如何帮你加温。为了避免弄你生气，增加你的情绪负担，我选择了躲避。想关心你，可是很害怕对你再造成伤害。

确实，我们常常吵架。我也曾认为我们俩性格不合......可是我不晓得真正的问题在哪里。我以为，忍耐就能解决一切。可是，那始终是个白痴的方法。

在这段时间里，我想了很多，也做了不少的阅读与询问。这我才发现，朱真的是猪。女生的种种行为，言语，我完全不晓得之中真正的意义。其中一个例子，就是当你不开心的时候，我不停打断你的话，很自以为是地给你劝告，叫你别难过。直到如今，我才知道，你要的是我的聆听与陪伴；不是那种开耳朵的听，而是去尝试了解你的感觉，跟你分担，陪你走下去。

当然，我学会了不只是这个。我也明白了男女之间思想与表达方式的差异。那时，当我知道你婆婆出事时，我一味想着给你空间。一来让你专心于鼓励你婆婆，又能避免争吵。你说得对，那不是你要的。其实，那不是女生要的。

我很想，很想对你说我学到的。很想，很想给你知道，其实我们是沟通问题；你有个超级白目的爱人。可是，我该这样吗？你会再信我吗？

我知道你已经累了。你还爱我，可是你已经决定了离去。这决定对你的伤害是无比的大。你如今的冷漠，只是在保护自己。有一次，你还想提醒我，别变成你憎恨的人。假如我再联络你，再烦你，你的心只会更痛，你只会对自己施加更多的压力。我很心疼。你知道，我每想到这里，都会哭的吗？因我不能再抱住你，以你要的方式去爱护你。

我爱你，嘉敏。快放下我吧。加油！未来，你假如与别人陷入爱河时，记得别记得我。可是当你不开心，受伤说害时，请想起我。我很无能，不敢再跟你说话，所以也无法跟你说这些。希望有哪天，你自己会看到。




爱你。

'His' Story

After hours being at the court, he carries himself back to his car. Sitting, his sweats drip from all over his body, including from both of his eyes. Without another person's hand to be held on, his hands grasp on each other and placed on top of the sterling wheel. As the sweating heavies, he rests his forehead on his fists...

The breathing becomes heavier and heavier. Uncontrollably, it turns into nausea and its sound is the only thing that breaks the silence inside his car. 

As time passes, he slowly lifts his head and lays on the headrest. The street lights which supposed to have fixed shapes becomes distorted and the reflection on the window becomes his only passenger.  Still, he removes the passenger from his seat...

There, with the opened window, he receives comforts from the wind that follows behind every passing vehicles. Every touches that he receives becomes colder and colder. He is all alone; it's so cold but there's no one whom he could borrow the warmth from. 

He knows that he is responsible for loosing the warmth blessed upon him. He understands that it has already became a fact. Even when he still carries the hope and making the prayers, he does notice that these actions will bring nothing. It is painful to hold on to whatever he is gripping now. But the rose is the only thing left that could relate him to her...

He still hopes for her return. He still pushing himself to improve. 

He still misses her. He still loves her.

Then again, he knows he needs to move on, as she might has already did so. One day, she will be in the arms of other and he might feels his cuts bleed again. Regardless, it is out of his power and it could only be dealt with when it does really happen...

For now, he will leave the place with her hair clips within his palm. It will leave a mark or even draw blood. However, in time, the pain will either be healed or sunk into the depth... What happens next, is beyond control and prediction.

Reflections

Slowly... My eyelids lifted, my body rose, my legs set and into the dim, I walked. 

Here I were, standing in front of a wooden wardrobe. My hands laid upon the handles. The grips were tighten but no further actions were made.

Out of the window, in the dark, I saw nothing. Yet in this nothingness, I sensed loneliness, unsettlement, fear, sorrows and regrets.

I am lonely, I am unsettled, I am afraid, I am in pain and I am in regrets. Still, it was insisted that both of the grips on handles started to move further away from each other.

The picture of me hugging her for the first time, the picture of her walking alone behind me, the picture of her lying beside me, the picture of her smiling after crying, the picture of her playing with me, the picture of her sitting there on the bench, the picture of us arguing, the picture of her crying behind my back, the picture of me being resentful and not understanding, the picture of us hugging, the picture of us kissing, the picture of us having meal together, the picture of her trying to improve me, the picture of her being tired in teaching me, the picture of her offering her hug, the picture of me staring at her, the picture of her waiting for my reply, the picture of me being addicted to games, the picture of us having a walk together, the picture of her hoping for my company, the picture of me ignoring her, the picture of her appreciating me, the picture of me being proud to have her, the picture of her having her hair dressed, the picture of me driving her, the picture of me giving her spaces, the picture of her wishing for my call, the picture of us breaking up, the picture of me smiling with tears, the picture of her being indifferent, the picture of her...the picture of me...the picture of us...

One by one, they caught the light. One by one, they started burn away. One by one, they turned into ashes...right in front of me and I couldn't do anything to protect them. 

The tears flow down from my eyes and the same happened to her. The heart cracked within me and the same occurred in her. The picture of our future shattered and the pieces fell in front of our eyes.

I plead. I prayed. Then again, the one who wasted her love deserved no opportunity anymore. 

How much I wished to scream. How much I wished to tell. Regardless, I could never reach into her again. 

I pushed. I understood. I changed. Perhaps the progresses are too tiny to make any dent on the tall wall surrounding her.

How much I wished to reconcile. How much I wished to have.Still, all I could do is just watching her leaving...

Suddenly... There is a warmth feeling coming from my back, two arms are laid around my waist, her forehead rested on my shoulder and to her, I turn, hug and kiss. 

The dim slowly brighten up. I go close to her ears, while appreciating the smell of her hair, I whispered, "I love You, girl...from the past, at the current and until the future." 










"I can be the happiest and most blessed guy on Earth thanks to you. I smile and enjoy every moment of life because I have you. Even when you are not by my side, I can be what I said, because You are always right here, all I need to do is just to look at the mirror..."

A Gamble

Some may think I am standing up from the separation with you, while some may think I am still denying the fact that you have left me. Frankly, I am not certain as well.

Deep down, I am crying in hope of your return, wishing that these efforts of changing and understanding can eventually provide a better future of us together. But I wonder whether this hope will ever come true, for I really doubted it.

I really wish for you to know what I am doing and see my sincerity. Then again I am afraid of letting you know might either drive you away even further or disturb your current peace of mind.

You might ask me not to waste time and tell me how much we tend to be incompatible. Still...I believe the difference will add colours to our future. I never did understand what you've wanted in the past. I never did try to see things from your eyes previously. The continuous arguments between us just piled up the resentment between us and hurting the poor you. Looking back, there was really not much of a future. 

I don't know how to convince you that we will have a future this time. I don't know how to convince you that I have changed this time. Not to mention, asking for another opportunity to be your man this time. 

I understand that you and I have broken-up and it is a wise decision. But I sincerely wish that we could start a new relationship together again. 

It is a gamble. One which I won't even believe it, if I could win. 

I'm Sorry

"You must have a very disappointing, heart-breaking time. Your feelings were invalidated and your opinions were not respected. You were not heard or even shown the cares and loves when you need them. To have such a self-centered man and to be with him for so long...it must have been a great torture for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the blames, the not-understanding, and the failure to satisfy your needs and wants, when they are actually very little actions. I'm really, really sorry."

I know it's too late for me to try to change anything now; I have lost you. Still...I really wish to be a better man that you deserve to have. I really wish to show you a future where you are living happily ever after. The chance for us to continue our tale might be very slim or even impossible, but I will be there for you. It is not a talk of desperation or a hope of reconciliation, it is an effort for future happiness, which I truly hope that you will be the one sharing it with me...

In time, I will put more effort in understanding you and change myself to be a better man. You may stop believing in me but I will show you for real, and show the world that "the girl who teaches a man how to love CAN be his last girl".

A Painful Relief

Our story has officially ended. The war seems to have eased up, even just by a little. Knowing such, I can vividly feel the touch of the goddess of joy, which draw a smile on my lips. 

I feel grateful for the easing of struggle. Even when I'm bearing the lifted lips of joy, together with the tears of sadness. Finally, after so long, I've did something for her...

But there will always be a sentence which I will never stop saying to you, "You are a fine girl. I love you."

It's painful but it's comforting in its own way...

The Worries and Misses

It is an exceptionally long day. There is this aching inside of me and the stuffing mind, in which both seems to be restless. Even after her clear response and decision, I still couldn't stop checking my phone, hoping that her picture will appear at my screen, together with another chance. Perhaps this is "Insanity" or "Fool".

The words she said replays in my mind, sweeping my heart with an iron brush. "Can we please stop contacting each other?", "Where'll you stay?", "Is it so shameful?", "I don't wish to waste our time", "I see no future with you", etc. The replays remind me of the reality, of the suffering that she is facing now. It draws tears within me, and paints countless worries in me.

Every now and then, the sanctuary above becomes the direction I stare, asking unanswered questions like how she is feeling now, has she taken any food until now, how about water, does she has anyone to talk to, is she crying or being numb now?

I wish that she'll think about me and find me, for I miss her. However, I pressure on the hope that she will not do any of the mentioned, for it will intensify her pain, sorrow, loneliness, sadness, and disappointment. 

I wish to text her, maybe as less as few days before, providing her space and time. But is that really what she needs now? A catalyst for pain? My action is halted but my mind continues, pondering about her current situation and day-dreaming about her smile, the smell of her hair, her pinches, her angry look, her hug and hands, her everything. 

The hunger for her appearance grows, together with the guilt and the will to protect her. How much I wish for her to know that I miss her, I want her, and I love her. How much I wish she would let me show her what I've learnt and how I will cherish her until she will stay by my side till the very end. Yet...in her eyes, these might all be nothing but empty words, nothing but spikes that will harm her more.

Dear Lord, I believe You have guided me to her, considering we are a match made in heaven at the beginning of our tale. And You have walked her away, as the fool didn't cherish the special her. But I pray for Your aid, Your miracle, which will ease her and lead us back together - a foolish and greedy hope.

On My Feet Again

The cut is still fresh but mine is not the deepest. The war wages on within but mine is not the largest. It is the time where every reconciliation attempt slashes the one whom I love, thus, a time where which direction should I take on this unseen junction becomes clear.

A million "sorry" and a trillion "I love you" will not heal the wound. There is a difference between words and actions, which regrettably learnt too late. The tale within needs to be rewritten, erasing the negativity, for that is not the way of how a person should cherish another, even if there're just memories left behind.

This decision of hers was made upon the price pain, love, and tears. I should honor it neither by my selfishness, nor my tears or pain...

I've made the journey tougher for her with my stupid responses. I'm sorry. Now, I shall take a step away from the spotlight and pray that time will heal her pain. I need to be the source of positivity that will, hopefully, charges up the one so special to me.

May whoever read this could spare me a prayer, for her well-being and happiness; her smile is one of her sides that I miss the most.

Night Whisper

Twelve times, have the wood-framed clock ring. The sound of it breaks through the silent night of an empty man. It provides a short but sole companionship, as the darkness of the night substitutes his heartbeat. 

The formation of every word is made obvious by the tick and the tock. He is filled with thoughts...but none recognizable by his conscious. He is stuffed with emotions...but neither can co-exist with another logically; he feels pain, worry, hope, and disappointment but at the same time, emptiness within.

The separation wraps every message with thorns. Yet, he couldn't stop grabbing hold on the stem of the dying rose. He prays for and believe in the revival of the rose. It draws blood but it's nothing compared to the feeling of hers, who has spent almost one and a half year, growing the rose together with him.

It's his lacking of compassion that have rendered the rose to its current state. He knows he deserves no further chances but the foolish him within, hopes for it to grow back and able to let him cherishes it more than before. 

"Sweety, please stop your tears and take good care of yourself. It must have been very hurtful for you. Sorry for bringing it to you. So please be strong. Have a good rest. I will always pray for your well-being and happiness."