STPM

From 6 to 5, from 4 to 3... Those are the time I spend with my personal homeland and books and notes seem to be my partners now... At least they are by my side most of the time or I spend most of my time on them, exchanging my time from sleep to study...
I'm not complaining as I know others spend much more time with them than me and I aren't qualified at all to make any kind of complains as I only spend time with them these days, within this month... I am tired but it's not a complain cause the funny part is I feel better spending time with them. For the one and a half year, this is the first time I feel that I am not as useless as I think I am, not a total zero in studies. It's true I fail to do well in the exams these days and I am still a guy who's walking on the tight rope with failing on my right and passing on my left and it's true I am frustrated at first but then...I wonder whether there's really a need for that?
This very day I'm sitting in front of my pc, typing this little story of mine, I know that one of the four wheels of mine that will drive me to the university's front gate is flatten. I do feel troubled, frustrated but I am not caught up with them as I did the second day of my journey. In fact, I'm feeling bit relief. May be I am a psycho or may be I am as useless as some people may think but even if I am, I am a happy, useless psycho and if it's not enough to seal some lips, I don't mind adding jack-ass behind my titles. It's true study may bring us to a better future and I'm not saying that study is not nescessary for success, it's just...I feel like saying that study is not for future but for oneself.
Within this few days, I found an asnwer for a question that I had in mind for this whole time - Why we need to study? It's not for the sake of our future but it's for our own fulfillment. Frankly, I don't believe that those knowledges that we picked up in school will be useful for us when we step outside this shelther and head into the world, not a must...I guess.I did give up before, I know I had been teased behind my back, being laughed but when I have a thought of it, it's ok for me cause may be I really am a laughstock. Laugh all you want, it's ok. My failure to get myself together with an answer back then may really be a joke but at least...late is better than none, right??
Few more papers and I am out of the game, as in I won't be in others' eyes anymore as a pest or jerk cause I won't be entering university. And I'm actually thinking that even if I am really that lucky to get myself into one, will I go? It depends...not on the subject given but on my thought. It's hard to explain, anyway it is a whacko's mind and how can anyone out there be able to understand it??

Study for self fulfillment...
I will always remember that...

Why?

Texts, sentences, words, tears, rage....

Things lasted for days, almost a week, everyday of the week to be precise...

Bother, hate, sad, fear, lost....

They all become masks that we constantly changed in these days...

What for? Why? What's the differences?!!!

I got the same question constantly and the answer...slowly diverged from the true thing. Yea I know reasons may make some differences in certain things but somehow, it doesn't work like that in this cause both of us know that actions speak louder than words...

"Will you support?"

"Will you heartache?"

"Will you...."

I gave the answers for once, twice and thrice. I gave you the truth and those which I crossed my fingers... But the main question is..does it make any differences? There's no use if you change the story based on my answers..cause I ain't the director, sorry...

Why people is like this?? Can't they be true to their heart?? They wish to do something and yet they're afraid to lost something...

No matter how many times I bring out the same old storyline, I got the same old reactions...same package, I guess ^^"

Actions are important but heart is on top of that, agree?? Sorry, I shouldn't post a question here cause I'm the one who's doing the talking anyway...

Where's the differences between "I wish to go..but I didn't go" and "I wish to go..so I go"?

Where's the differences between "I don't like you..but I didn't break with you" and "I don't like you..so I break with you"?

Notice anything, huh?? If no, let's see...

The main thing is...the FRONT part of those sentences..

There's no need to ask me anything anymore..

There's no need to concern about me anymore..

...cause for God's sake, you already make a decision inside your heart..

Good luck...