Sudden feelings, sudden actions and unforgetable happiness

Bit by bit,
I start to feel my chest is gaining weight..

Beat by beat,
I start to lose sense of my heartbeat..

Breathe by breathe,
I start to sense it's getting tougher for me to breath..

And slowly,
my mind is consumed by disturbance,
every picture's just getting dim..

Those feelings...

Time after time,
I checked my phone..

Word after word,
I typed and also deleted..

Name after name,
I checked through the contact list that I have..

Those actions...

Feelings and actions...
Everything just seems to be out of my control in a sudden. I just couldn't explain the reason, I just couldn't restrain myself out of it, I just couldn't stop it..I just couldn't...

My chest is getting heavier by every passing second and I just lose sense of my heartbeat, every breathe of mine just gets tougher and my mind keeps on feeling disturbed for unknown reason..not long after I received the last messege from her.

Maybe it has things to do with those feelings, maybe not..but..

I just couldn't help myself to check my phone from time to time..check the bar on my left side on the screen and check those names in my inbox.

I typed few words like "U there?", "U ok?", "There?", "Hello?"...
But when it asks me to type the number that I want to send to..

I just press the right key and delete every words I typed,

afraid that you'll get into trouble because of me sending out those words..

I checked name after name in all of my contact list..whether it's in my computer or my phone.

All these, I didn't really know why I'll do all these as well..just a soft voice..a soft inner voice asked me to do so..

................. .... ........ . . . ...................
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I just couldn't held myself back any longer..

"There?"
I typed it...with her phone number as the destination of my messege.

"..help me to sms xinto see whether she'ok..can?"
I typed it...and our sister's phone number becomes the recipient.

.......... ..... . . ...
.................... ..... . . ....... . .
....... ................ . ...... ... ...

Suddenly, a nudge of my phone broke me free from those chains. And the sender's name... It's her.... It's her.......

My mind is still blank but those disturbances that troubled me have fade. Those weights on my chest fade too and I can sense clearly, every beating of my heart, every breathe I take just becomes smoother than ever.

A thin smile slowly emerges on my face and those tears of mine just flows down on my face...

I feel so happy, happy that she replied me with a feeling of joy and cheerfulness, happy that she's ok..

I feel very happy..and that feeling, it's something that I can never forget..never forget...

..no matter what..

Everytime i recall about the past, whether it's the story that u told me or the truth..actually, i feel very sorry towards u cause i know..even though i hate to admit it but i do think u feel hurted cause of what he did to u..i hate to admit it but that was and is what's my thought sounds like..

From time after time, i just couldn't seem to let go off the past and actually..i'm as selfish as u. Who knows? Maybe more selfish than u... Everytime, i just put u through the whole thing over and over again..causing those bruises on ur heart bleed again.. What for?? Just to calm my mind down..settle my problem.. But..the price in return...it's far too big for me to pay..it's tough for me to see u being troubled, hurted again by those thoughts of how he treated u..

It's true that i just couldn't accept u liked him, kissed by him, this and that.. It's true cause i kept on questioning myself...how can a girl who said she loved someone can like another person at the same time and did all those??

But then...

I should let go long ago.. It's unfair for me to ask u to bear my silly thoughts with me..to play by my game and feel the hurts caused by him just because of my dumb injuries...

It's very unfair towards u but u never complain before..u didn't..
It's painful for u to recall how he treated u..but u never back down and continue to face it just to answer my stupid questions..

Ssh..stop saying that u're selfish, refuse to let me go..
Ssh..stop thinking that u're the one that caused all these..
Ssh..stop afraid that i'll leave u..

....cause, no matter what..

NO MATTER WHAT, i wan u to know that i'm more selfish that u're..the moment i kneel in front of u..and ask u to be my wife..even by name for now..i already tell myself, that u'll always be my girl..i'm more selfish cause i wished to have u by my side forever...and i'm sorry for that selfishness..i just couldn't seem to be able to control myself..sorry..

NO MATTER WHAT, remember this..

please remember this..

u wasn't and u aren't the cause for everything that happened now..

it was me who was the ignorant fool..

it is me who's making myself pain... not u..nothing to do with u..

And even.. even if u insist on thinking that u're the fault.. then, i wan u to know something, to remember something... sorry, i couldn't blame the one i love.. i couldn't cause i didn't have the strenght to blame my heart's owner.. i couldn't cause i won't want to.. i couldn't..cause..cause..i love u.. and i'm telling u again, i love u, chee hui xin..

n..

NO MATTER WHAT, so zhu, i'll never leave u.. Remember teacher mentioned that we should be prepared that one day we may lose each other? And she asked us to bear a preparation, right? I'm telling u right here, right now..i won't make any preparation..i won't...cause no matter what, i know..cause no matter what, my heart will never be able to leave u..to leave someone that meant and means so much to me..to leave someone that i wish to hold her hands for the rest of time..i won't and i'll never leave..deep down, i'll never leave my dear wife.. I want u to know, even if there's really a day when u'll leave me and walk away..i want u to know..that my heart will still be with u, my feeling will still surrounding u..cause i will always wait for u..cause i'll always..always watching u from far, loving u from my deep..

Sorry to put u through all those pains..i'm sorry..

Stop blaming urself, stop thinking urself as useless..cause having u by my side..it's already the greatest support that i can ever have..and u know how much u mean to me..u know..i believe u know..

If u're crying reading this..wipe off ur tears..and close ur eyes slowly..imagine my stupid face..recall my cold jokes and maybe bear a dream..a dream that one day when u wake up from ur beauty sleep..i'll be there..lying beside u, looking at my sleepyhead with a thin smile..on our bed, in our house..

Stop blaming, stop thinking..yeah, i'm restraining ur thoughts..i want to own u in and out..

If u wan to blame, blame me..blame me for my stupidity back then..and blame me for what a failure i ended up to be..for i don't possess a immortal body..a never-dying body so that i can be by ur side forever, concerning about u, caring about u, loving u forever without any boundaries like time, age or death..

And if u wan to think, think this..what kind of life u wan us to share in the future?? What kind of wedding that u're hoping for? And where is it to be held?? Where u wan to have our honeymoon?? And how many children we'll have?? There's no need to worry or think about how to become a good mother or a good wife..cause i realise, i know and i believe..u'll be the best mother that our children will ever have..u'll be the best wife that this dumb guy here will ever have...cause for me, chee hui xin, u're already the best..and if u don't believe urself..please believe my taste as well, k?

I love you, my dear..i really do...forever and ever.. Hope it doesn't scare u.. ^^

It's more than i thought

Accepting the fact u lied to me back then for so long,

accepting that u was being kissed without a trace of struggle,

n..

accepting u did like him even by abit...

I wish to be able to accept all those and i really did...but somehow, the pain is too much for me to bear....

How much i wish to cry it out loud, how much i wish to shout it out...but i just couldn't do so.. Not that i have difficulty in location, just i couldn't bring out any strenght to do all those.. It's hollow inside, hollow but i can feel the pain...feel it but can't do anything about it..feel it but couldn't take out any strenght to deal with it..

I am in pain, my wife.. I really am...

So painful...

So hurtful...

It's not that i couldn't accept n forgive u lied to me.. Actually, i did forgive n accept it.. Just...those following contents, kissed by him and the toughest is that u liked him..even by abit..

I know..today i asked alot of questions about u liked him.. And actually u know what i'm trying to do??

I'm trying to run away.. I'm trying to denied that u liked him.. My sorry self just trying to head to the exit...

U mentioned that u loved n love me..but at the same time, u liked him..

U lied to me that u didn't love or like him n i sensed it..it's just...now, i am hoping that that wasn't a lie..it's just me being sensitive...n u have the wrong idea..

...but..

I know everything couldn't be changed now n i shouldn't run away..

Sorry for that useless behaviour of mine..but it's too painful...

Pain...

It's Not Ur Fault

It wasn't ur fault.. All along, it wasn't ur fault and u know it pretty well.. I was the stupid shit who gave u away.. And don't say, even if i did so, u had a choice to choose.. Don't say that cause if i wasn't hiding from myself, if i didn't stop asking u about the question u like me or not, u won't even have a need to make that choice of urs, no chance at all..

I know..it hurts u whenever u think back about the past.. And seemingly, plenty of people asked a very good question, "why am i so stubborn, so useless?"..and the asnwer...i can't even find myself an excuse to make someone i love suffer..cause perhaps, they're right and i am useless...

Sometimes, God has a funny way in playing our show of life. Back then, all those pain i put u through.. Now, i am going through it myself, but not by my own..somehow, He included u as a decoration in that punishment of His..but then again, is it really decoration or further punishment actually???

Everytime my mind touched the past, i was hurt, sorry and pissed. Hurt cause recalling me being there witnessing every stupid chapter of that bloody story book of u n him. Sorry cause i put u through those hurts and make u suffer with me. And pissed knowing how useless piece of crap is him and how ignorant was u.. All these, i can't really let it out but to take it in and somehow, it radiates till u...

Honestly, i asked few guys before and their opinions can be devided into two groups. One is asking me to forget about the past... Another one is saying they won't be with that person even from the start... And funny..i couldn't take anyone of the choice..

I did and do wish to take the first choice, stop bothering about the past..but...those memories and those words u told me, they just kept on linking together, forming a big picture in front of me..putting me through it over and over again..and making u feel the pain as well..

I did question myself y i will be with u back then.. Was it because of revenge? Or wat? But who'll make a revenge that will hurt himself back?? I wonder is there even a guy as dumb as that in the world?? The reason for me being back with u, not revenge, not cause i refuse to admit defeat..it was and is because of three words.. "i love u"..

But sometimes, i questioned..whether i deserve the right to say that..cause like what mr. puvan once told me...if u really love a person, u can forgive everything about her past, forgive and accept it without any questions...but somehow..i failed..i failed and fail..

It's my fault all these will happen in our life..it was my fault and it is my fault.. Sorry to put u through all those.. I'm sorry..

I love u..but do i really deserve to say that??

I understand if one day u can't bear it and leave me.. I won't blame u..cause all these are my faults..just.. I am sorry, xin.. I'm sorry..