Chatting with a quiet friend

Sat beside the window, the book in my hands was slowly closed with my eyes stopped and shifted its sight to the old lamp post outside the wooden frame, an old friend of mine...
"It was a quiet night.."
"Sometimes, I really hope that you can answer me, my old friend. Hope that both of us can really chat to each other, chat and share secrets together. Unlike now.."
"She" remained in silent again. It wasn't anything unusual for a lamp post to be quiet. It was just me, an idiot who hoped for such absurd and impossible. I started the one-sided chatting with her again, same old chatting that we shared for years...
"I still remember when I was a small child, you was like my mom. Years passed and you switched your role from a mother, to a sitter and now becoming a close friend of mine, closest and the most trustworthy friend."
"It really has been many years, isn't it? And from time to time you play the role of the quiet listener of mine. For times, you witnessed the dropping of my tears and for times, you comforted me with your unique ways.."
"You mesmerise me everytime I see you, you know? Tonight, you stunned me with your work of art. Tonight, you show me how beautiful can ordinary green leaves be under your soft touch.."
Wearing a gold dress with black at the very end, they danced elegantly with the wind. Moving from side to side, they danced with their invinsible partner. Unable to see the one who's holding, they just depend on their feelings; Feeling each other's present, regconising each other's touch, they shaped out their love ones. What may seemed to unrealised by most throughout the time is actually a display of love that shattered the invinsible walls in between named differences, most importantly, love that brings along unlimitted forgiveness.
Who will expect that one can falls in love with one from far away, with one that one can never see?
But who will ever expect...one can forgives one that has contacts with so many others?
Guess "she" peeked into my mind again. Guess "she" knew that I was going to tell her about the pain and tears of mine trying to forgive someone I love. Past is something that none can never undone. And I know...that I should remove it from my head or embrace it with an open heart. I realise that long ago. It's just......
"I know, you're showing me how beautiful my story can be if I can forgive her and accept her past... I know that.."
"Those pain that ran all over my heart everytime I bear the image of what happened... They weren't a feeling that I would like to feel but my thoughts just couldn't help themselves to bring every words she told me to become pieces of pictures that cut through me.."
"I tried, I really did.."
"...but...."
The whole sentece was left hanging and suddenly, I shared the touch of the wind. Perhaps, I didn't try hard enough. Or perhaps, my love isn't as strong as his. But I know.. I know to love someone, one must forgives one's past and embrace it together. Times, our love loses its balance and times, we pull it before it falls. My love for her may not as strong as his right now..but I believe that it won't be much differences from his. And in time...they will be equal and both me and her will be much more happier than now...
Kisses, touches, everything...
"It'll be very painful and I'll be knocked off for times, but I'll continue to try...even with my heart torned and cut, I'll continue to try. Not for the sake of prooving my love, but for my love for her.."
"It has been so long I wish for the rain on my face. Finally..."
"Thank you..thank you, my old friend.."

Sudden feelings, sudden actions and unforgetable happiness

Bit by bit,
I start to feel my chest is gaining weight..

Beat by beat,
I start to lose sense of my heartbeat..

Breathe by breathe,
I start to sense it's getting tougher for me to breath..

And slowly,
my mind is consumed by disturbance,
every picture's just getting dim..

Those feelings...

Time after time,
I checked my phone..

Word after word,
I typed and also deleted..

Name after name,
I checked through the contact list that I have..

Those actions...

Feelings and actions...
Everything just seems to be out of my control in a sudden. I just couldn't explain the reason, I just couldn't restrain myself out of it, I just couldn't stop it..I just couldn't...

My chest is getting heavier by every passing second and I just lose sense of my heartbeat, every breathe of mine just gets tougher and my mind keeps on feeling disturbed for unknown reason..not long after I received the last messege from her.

Maybe it has things to do with those feelings, maybe not..but..

I just couldn't help myself to check my phone from time to time..check the bar on my left side on the screen and check those names in my inbox.

I typed few words like "U there?", "U ok?", "There?", "Hello?"...
But when it asks me to type the number that I want to send to..

I just press the right key and delete every words I typed,

afraid that you'll get into trouble because of me sending out those words..

I checked name after name in all of my contact list..whether it's in my computer or my phone.

All these, I didn't really know why I'll do all these as well..just a soft voice..a soft inner voice asked me to do so..

................. .... ........ . . . ...................
. .... ......................... ........... .
... ......... . . .................. ...........................


I just couldn't held myself back any longer..

"There?"
I typed it...with her phone number as the destination of my messege.

"..help me to sms xinto see whether she'ok..can?"
I typed it...and our sister's phone number becomes the recipient.

.......... ..... . . ...
.................... ..... . . ....... . .
....... ................ . ...... ... ...

Suddenly, a nudge of my phone broke me free from those chains. And the sender's name... It's her.... It's her.......

My mind is still blank but those disturbances that troubled me have fade. Those weights on my chest fade too and I can sense clearly, every beating of my heart, every breathe I take just becomes smoother than ever.

A thin smile slowly emerges on my face and those tears of mine just flows down on my face...

I feel so happy, happy that she replied me with a feeling of joy and cheerfulness, happy that she's ok..

I feel very happy..and that feeling, it's something that I can never forget..never forget...

..no matter what..

Everytime i recall about the past, whether it's the story that u told me or the truth..actually, i feel very sorry towards u cause i know..even though i hate to admit it but i do think u feel hurted cause of what he did to u..i hate to admit it but that was and is what's my thought sounds like..

From time after time, i just couldn't seem to let go off the past and actually..i'm as selfish as u. Who knows? Maybe more selfish than u... Everytime, i just put u through the whole thing over and over again..causing those bruises on ur heart bleed again.. What for?? Just to calm my mind down..settle my problem.. But..the price in return...it's far too big for me to pay..it's tough for me to see u being troubled, hurted again by those thoughts of how he treated u..

It's true that i just couldn't accept u liked him, kissed by him, this and that.. It's true cause i kept on questioning myself...how can a girl who said she loved someone can like another person at the same time and did all those??

But then...

I should let go long ago.. It's unfair for me to ask u to bear my silly thoughts with me..to play by my game and feel the hurts caused by him just because of my dumb injuries...

It's very unfair towards u but u never complain before..u didn't..
It's painful for u to recall how he treated u..but u never back down and continue to face it just to answer my stupid questions..

Ssh..stop saying that u're selfish, refuse to let me go..
Ssh..stop thinking that u're the one that caused all these..
Ssh..stop afraid that i'll leave u..

....cause, no matter what..

NO MATTER WHAT, i wan u to know that i'm more selfish that u're..the moment i kneel in front of u..and ask u to be my wife..even by name for now..i already tell myself, that u'll always be my girl..i'm more selfish cause i wished to have u by my side forever...and i'm sorry for that selfishness..i just couldn't seem to be able to control myself..sorry..

NO MATTER WHAT, remember this..

please remember this..

u wasn't and u aren't the cause for everything that happened now..

it was me who was the ignorant fool..

it is me who's making myself pain... not u..nothing to do with u..

And even.. even if u insist on thinking that u're the fault.. then, i wan u to know something, to remember something... sorry, i couldn't blame the one i love.. i couldn't cause i didn't have the strenght to blame my heart's owner.. i couldn't cause i won't want to.. i couldn't..cause..cause..i love u.. and i'm telling u again, i love u, chee hui xin..

n..

NO MATTER WHAT, so zhu, i'll never leave u.. Remember teacher mentioned that we should be prepared that one day we may lose each other? And she asked us to bear a preparation, right? I'm telling u right here, right now..i won't make any preparation..i won't...cause no matter what, i know..cause no matter what, my heart will never be able to leave u..to leave someone that meant and means so much to me..to leave someone that i wish to hold her hands for the rest of time..i won't and i'll never leave..deep down, i'll never leave my dear wife.. I want u to know, even if there's really a day when u'll leave me and walk away..i want u to know..that my heart will still be with u, my feeling will still surrounding u..cause i will always wait for u..cause i'll always..always watching u from far, loving u from my deep..

Sorry to put u through all those pains..i'm sorry..

Stop blaming urself, stop thinking urself as useless..cause having u by my side..it's already the greatest support that i can ever have..and u know how much u mean to me..u know..i believe u know..

If u're crying reading this..wipe off ur tears..and close ur eyes slowly..imagine my stupid face..recall my cold jokes and maybe bear a dream..a dream that one day when u wake up from ur beauty sleep..i'll be there..lying beside u, looking at my sleepyhead with a thin smile..on our bed, in our house..

Stop blaming, stop thinking..yeah, i'm restraining ur thoughts..i want to own u in and out..

If u wan to blame, blame me..blame me for my stupidity back then..and blame me for what a failure i ended up to be..for i don't possess a immortal body..a never-dying body so that i can be by ur side forever, concerning about u, caring about u, loving u forever without any boundaries like time, age or death..

And if u wan to think, think this..what kind of life u wan us to share in the future?? What kind of wedding that u're hoping for? And where is it to be held?? Where u wan to have our honeymoon?? And how many children we'll have?? There's no need to worry or think about how to become a good mother or a good wife..cause i realise, i know and i believe..u'll be the best mother that our children will ever have..u'll be the best wife that this dumb guy here will ever have...cause for me, chee hui xin, u're already the best..and if u don't believe urself..please believe my taste as well, k?

I love you, my dear..i really do...forever and ever.. Hope it doesn't scare u.. ^^

It's more than i thought

Accepting the fact u lied to me back then for so long,

accepting that u was being kissed without a trace of struggle,

n..

accepting u did like him even by abit...

I wish to be able to accept all those and i really did...but somehow, the pain is too much for me to bear....

How much i wish to cry it out loud, how much i wish to shout it out...but i just couldn't do so.. Not that i have difficulty in location, just i couldn't bring out any strenght to do all those.. It's hollow inside, hollow but i can feel the pain...feel it but can't do anything about it..feel it but couldn't take out any strenght to deal with it..

I am in pain, my wife.. I really am...

So painful...

So hurtful...

It's not that i couldn't accept n forgive u lied to me.. Actually, i did forgive n accept it.. Just...those following contents, kissed by him and the toughest is that u liked him..even by abit..

I know..today i asked alot of questions about u liked him.. And actually u know what i'm trying to do??

I'm trying to run away.. I'm trying to denied that u liked him.. My sorry self just trying to head to the exit...

U mentioned that u loved n love me..but at the same time, u liked him..

U lied to me that u didn't love or like him n i sensed it..it's just...now, i am hoping that that wasn't a lie..it's just me being sensitive...n u have the wrong idea..

...but..

I know everything couldn't be changed now n i shouldn't run away..

Sorry for that useless behaviour of mine..but it's too painful...

Pain...

It's Not Ur Fault

It wasn't ur fault.. All along, it wasn't ur fault and u know it pretty well.. I was the stupid shit who gave u away.. And don't say, even if i did so, u had a choice to choose.. Don't say that cause if i wasn't hiding from myself, if i didn't stop asking u about the question u like me or not, u won't even have a need to make that choice of urs, no chance at all..

I know..it hurts u whenever u think back about the past.. And seemingly, plenty of people asked a very good question, "why am i so stubborn, so useless?"..and the asnwer...i can't even find myself an excuse to make someone i love suffer..cause perhaps, they're right and i am useless...

Sometimes, God has a funny way in playing our show of life. Back then, all those pain i put u through.. Now, i am going through it myself, but not by my own..somehow, He included u as a decoration in that punishment of His..but then again, is it really decoration or further punishment actually???

Everytime my mind touched the past, i was hurt, sorry and pissed. Hurt cause recalling me being there witnessing every stupid chapter of that bloody story book of u n him. Sorry cause i put u through those hurts and make u suffer with me. And pissed knowing how useless piece of crap is him and how ignorant was u.. All these, i can't really let it out but to take it in and somehow, it radiates till u...

Honestly, i asked few guys before and their opinions can be devided into two groups. One is asking me to forget about the past... Another one is saying they won't be with that person even from the start... And funny..i couldn't take anyone of the choice..

I did and do wish to take the first choice, stop bothering about the past..but...those memories and those words u told me, they just kept on linking together, forming a big picture in front of me..putting me through it over and over again..and making u feel the pain as well..

I did question myself y i will be with u back then.. Was it because of revenge? Or wat? But who'll make a revenge that will hurt himself back?? I wonder is there even a guy as dumb as that in the world?? The reason for me being back with u, not revenge, not cause i refuse to admit defeat..it was and is because of three words.. "i love u"..

But sometimes, i questioned..whether i deserve the right to say that..cause like what mr. puvan once told me...if u really love a person, u can forgive everything about her past, forgive and accept it without any questions...but somehow..i failed..i failed and fail..

It's my fault all these will happen in our life..it was my fault and it is my fault.. Sorry to put u through all those.. I'm sorry..

I love u..but do i really deserve to say that??

I understand if one day u can't bear it and leave me.. I won't blame u..cause all these are my faults..just.. I am sorry, xin.. I'm sorry..

My dear wife

There're ton of reasons for you to mind about what I did yesterday and the question you asked me today...I'll mind if suddenly you told me you got a so-called brother, I will and I understand the reason..

Remember yesterday there was a cute wife who apologised to her hushband for minding about the way he treated another girl? Actually, there was and is no need for that apology...cause someway, somehow, I felt happy that you minded about it...seriously..

You know?

You're the first girl that could and can spins me around, drives me crazy?
Back then, when you was running away from me, I fell into a state, a so-called walking-zombie... I guess, you must be a pretty powerful witch who could curse me into such state by taking away my heart and soul.

And yesterday, you drived out my will to sleep. I did slept but on and off...cause... Somehow, I am ignorant about the reason too, but I do recall there was a clip kept replaying in my head, a clip of your words, your face while you minded. Thought of that, thinking of that stirred and stirs my mind... Perhaps, it's known as worry or perhaps, it's cause I am afraid, can't bear to see you being like this..

You know?

You're the first and only girl who could make me so addicted to her?
Everyday, I will sure to pay a visit to the blue's room, starting from 11.15 a.m. for few times? Yea, it's weird and I definately agree with it. Who will open the door, while at the same time, telling his friend that his heart won't be inside there? and who'll ask a person for times about a same question that sounds like "oh, she's not here yet?"? It's really weird, right?

And everyday, the moment I openned my eyes, the first thing I will do is dig out my handphone and to check whether you had messege me. I know pretty well that there won't be any messege from you but somehow, a thin hope of having you messeged me while I was sleeping kept me from be able to restrain myself of this dumb act that starts my everyday with a disappointment beginning... Is that called addiction? Addicted too much..

I understand you mind and I realise your worry about our future days. I couldn't stop you from thinking about it..I might not have that ability..but I do know about something, I have the ability to let you know what I truly feel..

My heart is conquered, my body is possessed..
...by someone who is my dear wife, by someone who is named Chee Hui Xin..

You might say there're ton of Chee Hui Xins out there and yea, you're right.

But I love her, I'm not in love with the name...

My dear wife, I want you to know...that no matter what happen in the future, you'll always be my first and only love, the girl that I love the most...

There's no need to worry about anything..cause...

The curse that you put on me can never be lifted, not even by you...now, not even you can lift the very curse...maybe..it's because that I am holding onto that curse already, holding on it and won't let it go no matter what... A unbreakable curse that will last forever...

Those were my thoughts...and I hope you would plant the seed of love together with me..plant, nurse and watch it grows..together..

Please remember this, k? Please remember this, Chee Hui Xin..
Remember that I love you...

sorry

Inch by inch, the road passed under the tires.

And...scene by scene, it just kept going through my head.

The 7th song kept repeating in my earphones and every members in the car kept chatting, but somehow...a plain of silent existed inside of me. Or perhaps...it was not as quiet as I thought it will be, at least...the cry of my soul and the dripping blood of my heart were clearly heard...all along the highway, leaving behind a trail of tears and blood.

Everything that happened in the past...I know it should remain in the past. But every scenes that I saw, every picture that I imagined and every tearing that I felt just couldn't be kept in my vault of memory, just kept on coming back to haunt me, to remind me of the bruises and cuts...

The others said: "if one who really loves someone will always forgive that person, including his or her past". Perhaps, I really not qualified to say I love her...cause the past just kept on coming back into my head...and I know..I do know that it hurts her also, especially when she needs to face it all over again, face what he did to her, face her actions and face everything else in the past of hers. I do know and I do realise about it.

"It's just depends on you whether you want to let go or not, whether you want to free yourself from the past."

It's a true statement. But may be...it's a different story in my shoes or...I just lack out of strenght to untie myself from the chain.

There's a say that those who fail always live at the past and I am one of those who fail. Fail, ignorant and selfish...

Sorry...I guess that part of mine on your left chest was severly injured. And those cuts and bruises on it are deeper than I thought...

Sorry...to remind you of the hurtful past and selfishly make you to face it, face what he did to you, face what you did, face everything. It was my bad that all these will happen at the first place and it is my bad to make u bear the pain of His punishment on me for my action back then...

I'm sorry.

Love

i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you

i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you

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i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you
i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you

i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you   i love you


xin...help me to count the number of rows..k?

n now count the number of columns..k?


now..fill the numbers u get into the blanks below, k?

(1. number of rows), chu kok hou loves chee hui xin..for..every second, every minute, every day; (2. number of columns) days, 12 months, and every year there are...

i love u, hui xin..
i love u, lou po..

只有为你

oh!只有为你 我愿变成影子跟随着你 寸步不离
oh!只有为你 我的心变成了一座城堡
一生一世都专属於你
oh! 只有为你
你说我太孩子气 总不懂得照顾一颗纤细的心
其实我一直很用心
只是没有说明 未来蓝图在心里
你常说我太实际 不懂表达心中浪漫的情绪
其实我只是很小心
为爱你而准备 直到眼前一切就绪
oh!只有为你 我愿变成影子跟随着你 寸步不离
oh!只有为你 我的心变成了一座城堡
一生一世都专属於你
oh! 只有为你
你说我太孩子气 总不懂得照顾一颗纤细的心
其实我一直很用心
只是没有说明 未来蓝图在心里
你常说我太实际 不懂表达心中浪漫的情绪

其实我只是很小心
为爱你而准备 直到眼前一切就绪
oh!只有为你 我愿变成影子跟随着你 寸步不离
oh!只有为你 我的心变成了一座城堡
一生一世都专属於你
oh! 只有为你
oh!只有为你 我愿变成影子跟随着你 寸步不离
oh!只有为你 我的心变成了一座城堡
一生一世都专属於你
oh! 只有为你



欣,

我不知道......
我是否能像歌词中一样......
一样的变成影子。
但......
我会向天许愿，
愿能像歌词中一样,
变成影子，变成你的影子......
永远的跟随着你......
永远跟随在你的身边......
永远的守护着你.

欣，

我也不知道我的心是否会像歌词里一样，我不知道我的心是否会变成一座城堡。
但......
我可以很肯定地对你说，我的心肯定会与歌词内一样，像歌词内所说的......
一生一世......

都......

专属于你......专属于你。

Special messege

This messege below is dedicated for those who showed their love and concern for me n my girl..hope ya all won't mind to read it..thx

"Usually, I'm gonna think about it, angry about it for days. But it was kinda weird though,  in this specific case, the whole thing got into me for just few minutes..still, I guess it's inpolite of me if I didn't congratulate ya all for able to complete ya mission even though it just lasted for few minutes..congratulation..

Anyway, I'm wondering about something though. I'm kinda stupid though..so,  I guess ya all won't mind to help me to solve these thoughts of mine...right? Thx

1. The real reason you all went through all those hard works to? Let us know bout how bad we're, how much others hate us, right?

Keep that answer with ya cause if u don't mind, I gonna make a guess and I think I owe u all a thx. Without u all, both me n my girl will never know what others think about us..and I really  appreciate the creators' kind intention..to let us know about our bad and give us a chance to improve ourselves, thx..

2. You all are doing a good deed in life, right? So, why you all are hiding your true identity? Huh?

It's good that we don't hope for any reward or return when you did a good deed. But hiding it and making it so secretly, aren't those actions of a thief or someone who did something bad? Anyway, I bet you all just prefer to serve and help others in silent. Sorry cause I put you all into a comparison with thief and those type of people who did something that afraid to be revealed by others... It's my bad..I shouldn't doubt you all..sorry..

Here's the final thought or question of mine..please finish it before you left.. ^^

3. Are you all angry now? Sorry..

I know I shouldn't show my gratitude to you all in such open place...cause if you all are heroes in silent, I'm sure that you all won't want to be rewarded or thanked in public. But I'm sorry...I jus couldn't help myself but to say all those words to show how much I wish to thx you all.. Sorry..please receive my sincere gratitude and don't be mad over it..cause I'm thinking..you all always be the heroes in silent and there ain't really any people who showed you their and the society's gratitude to you all..so... Sorry..I'm typing all these without any bad intention.. I swear

To all those heroes in silent, you all have sacrafice alot in order to help others, assisting others to improve themselves..
You all always got blamed or hated..
...as a thief, who steals others' picture..and displayed it on the person's back..
...as a critic or backstabber, who others may misunderstand your kind intention to a criticism and think you all only know how to crtize others from others' back..
...as a low-educated person, who's poorly educated till only know how to act childishly, and rudely (only bad words)

I represent all those who misunderstand you all..all those heroes in silent..to apologise..

Sorry...we understand all your sacrafices and hardworks..

Thx..may God bless you..."

It's my fault..

"Nevermind, i'm ok...."
"Nevermind, it's ok...."
"Nevermind, forget bout it....."

Everytime i hurt ur feeling or disappoint u, u just smile and forgive me, be patient with me all these time. I know, everytime u forgive me, u tell urself that i won't do it again yet..everytime i did it again. I'm nothing but a dumb guy who always make u bothered with my stupid thoughts, make u sad n worry...

I know...

U'll forgive me no matter what  i did. I know that..but everytime, i just keep on shattering ur heart n hope...

I know..

U'll say it's ok. But till the end, u'll be hurted by me again, again and again..

Sometimes, i feel i'm really nothing but a loser or maybe i am one after all; I love you with all my heart and i really don't mind to sacrafice everything including my life in exchange of urs. But i don't know whether i am qualified to say those three words to u anymore...i really don't know...

Time after time, i make u sad, i make u disappointed...

Is that called love? Is that the way to love a person? Or to treat a person that u love the most??

Girl, i'm sorry. I don't know what else to do, which word to say besides sorry. I really hope that i can tell myself i treat u very good, but i can't... I really hope that i can looking straight into ur eyes n tell u, i love u, but i don't know whether i'm qualified to love u anymore..

I'm sorry..it's my fault...









I know u won't blame me...
I know u won't...
But I really don't know whether I'm qualified to say I love u anymore...
I really don't know...
I really don't know whether I'm qualified to love u anymore...
...or even deserve ur love

Girl,

Ssh...

Stop blaming yourself for losing hope on us, stop blaming yourself on this and that..

It's ok..

Everything's fine...

And..

I ain't gonna be mad about it..

Don't force yourself to stop thinking about something..

Try to stop it..

Not force to stop it..

Try to talk it out..

Not to hide it in..

Try letting me worry about wat's already a part of me..

Not to be afraid or guilty over it..

It's ok if you lose hope..

But just tell it out..

Let me be there for ya..

Let me convince ya..

So..

Open up everything to me..

No more hiding, no more afraid..

No more worry..

Just tell me...

Let us settle it together..

No things are dumb..

No words are stupid..

And..

No thoughts are shouldn't..




Listen to me when I say I love you..
I don't care about you believe or not..
I just want to let you know..
What's been playing inside of me...
And..
What's running me on a wild train..




Open up your heart, girl..

And..

Let me know whatever's playing inside you..

K?

My bad

"It's not an agreement.."
"They won't like that.."
"...release tension.."

I know it may sounds rude but suddenly, the word "shut it" starts to cycle around my lips by that time I heard all these from him...

And so...I replied..

"..but I did finish my part, right?!"
"I don't know whether we can trust you all anymore.."
"Thank for your concern.."

Wait, one bonus reply..

"Sir, the next time I heard that, I'll be sure to bring along a witness and by then...I hope you will do sth on it.."

What position, what power, what others gonna do...
I ain't gonna lay any of my attention on those anymore; It's not that I don't care, it's I'm so used to it and I don't want to be a fool who wastes my time on these.. All I can do is just apologise, apologise that I ain't gonna play the little mind game that you all trying to play with me, apologise that I ain't gonna care a thing bout you all anymore..

I rather spend my time on something that I should or like to do; Study, spend quality time with the girl that caught my eyes, and some time on other things that I like to do. And thinking about this and that...frankly speaking, it's kinda awaste of time, don't you all think so? Huh?

Sir, I'm sorry for making things sound like it's your fault. I really do, I do feel sorry that the head need to bear all those rubbish that his helpers did..like my head who need to bear with what I did. Sorry to both of ya...but sorry again cause I ain't gonna do anything else but apologise. Say all you want then..




Sorry..

....

Slowly, the curtain of rain falls over the earth; Gracefully, it dances across the pathway in front of me . And with rhyme, it touches every inch of my skin.

It has been a while, a while since I ever sit under the falling tears of His. Watching drops by drops of tears slowly become clearly shown, as it's dropping from His gloomy face, reflecting the light when it falling pass the yellowish light of the street lamp beside me. Such view......it really has been a while since it shows in front of my eyes...

Inch by inch, it flows from the forehead to the chin of my face. Its pace is just same as the pace I closes my eyes, the pace I opens back my eyes..

Every drops of rain was clearly caught by my eyes and His gloomy face, a face without any cheerfulness... It just couldn't help stirring up my mind, making me wondered is that how your face looks like when I posted those questions to you. But still, it also questioned me, whether you're afraid? Whether you're blaming yourself? Or maybe..you're thinking you don't want to owe me anything, don't want to owe me when one day, we ended up in breaking apart...

Questions and guesses, they're all around my head, just like the beautiful stars in the night sky that I'm sitting under. Suddenly, I realise, I'm being confused with my mind and the solid reality around me; It's a beautiful night, but inside of me, the feeling of it is so strong, so strong till it confuses me...there's no rain at all on the outside, but it's a different story inside of me...

I feel the rain dances from my eyes to my chin. Rows by rows, it moves to my chin. And when I lift my finger and put on my cheek, my senses tell me it's not an imginary rain, it's not tears from Him, but......

Every splash of it puts me on a back-track mode; Everything about you, everything that happened to you, and everything that you did replay in front of my eyes. The soft voice of yours, the mesmerising eyes of yours, the cute face of yours, the sweet lips of yours, the warm touch of yours, the star-like smile of yours, and many other things bout you just reply in my mind...

"If only you're here, right in front of me right now..."
"...I'll hold you tight in my arms, and kiss you gently on your forehead.."
"...telling you how much you mean to me, telling you.."
"..how much I love you.."

There was plenty of times where I put you in a messed mind. I don't know why I'll be so sensitive towards every actions of yours, I don't know why I always behave like so......
It's true, that none of us has the ability to see the future and we won't know what is going to happen on the next second. But at this very moment, and I believe this will last forever in me, I do really love you cause the feeling comes so strong, so strong...

Slowly, I feel a touch is laid across my face; I open up my eyes with a hope it's you. But I know it won't be you, not this time. It's just a wind that sympathies me...trying to comfort me..
In my mind, the quiet is broken by the cry of His. But in reality, the quiet around the park is being broken by......

The word "break up" feels like repeatative stabs, randomly stabbed into every inch oy my body. And I don't know whether I can bear the pain if one day, what I said really comes true...I'm not confidenced that I can deal with those blows in my life.

The feeling is already so strong when I typed it out to you in that question of mine. And I really hope, that you'll sound confirm that it won't happen. You sound confidenced that it won't happen. But then, perhaps...I'm hoping for something that...noone can guarantee me or convince me with..

The uncertainty in your words...
The thought of you..
The "break up" in my question..

They all make up to be a powerful spell, a spell that tells me how much you mean to me, a spell that makes the rainny day of mine...

The sky started to get brighter by second, and I know I should keep the imaginary rain of mine remains in my imagination...I stand up to witness the rise of the "happy face of yours", inside me, I bear a hope, a hope that tells me this will last long..a hope that defines every stupid thoughts of mine..a hope that one day, one day, I'll be able to watch the sunrise together...a hope..

The sleepy sun is greeted, by the leaving shadow of mine..and the hope I bear...




sorry to make you worry bout me all these time..
sorry if i ever make you sad..


I trust you, Hui Xin..
n I love you, girl..you'll always be my girl..
..Xin,
You mean alot to me..you really do~

L.U.

Ya go..in...
out..of my heart..
n it ma..ke..s..me wonder,
ya got the key?
key of me body?
Mayb i left it to ya..
when i kissed ya..
or mayb u get it..
along with he..art..
In...inside, inside..
Wat ya see? Or how ya feel?
Sh..oc..ked? Or..
both thrilled n happy?
Walk..ing in..side..
Ya feel like walking into..
gal..le..ry?
Gallery filled with ya picS..
Or mu..s...eum?
Stored the vi..deos..
of ya s..mi..les...
of ya vo..i..ce..
D..o..n't..think..
there's a..n..
ending on this pathway..
N..e..ver..
tryna de..ni..ed..
ya love me..
n i k..now..
i love ya..too..
n i s..we..ar..

So..
mind to be..co..me..
my for..ever girl?
Juz..juz..
let me love ya..
l..et me ca..re

Pl..ea..se..
pl..ea..se..
gi..rl,
give the answer..
give it to m..e..
s..ay yes t..o me..
receive me re..qu..est..



Juz..
Tell me the answer i wanna hear..
k, baby girl?

my apology

These days, issues're coming up and down like the raging sea; Settled this, and the next moment when i think everything's falling on the right track, another issue pops up. After that, another comes up again...sometimes, i just can't help myself but to wonder, what the hell is happening to my life? Am i a cursed being or what??

How much i wish to shout out, shout out those desperation and frustration in me..but somehow, my logical side's too strong to allow me to fall into that fanstasy. Maybe cause it knows, i won't want to head to the exit and run away from everything...

I admit, i do make a mistake and i do steps across the line of rules, i did bend it somehow. But why when i did change, noone noticed it? Why people always caught me when the whole thing is just a misunderstanding? But then, i guess....all of those will be thought as excuses anyway, n i don't want to run away from anything stored by others, i don't want to put any of this to use cause i don't want give myself anymore space to give out anymore excuses..

"One that always find excuses for himself will never be successful.."

That was what i learnt from someone i respect the most, a teacher that stood behind me before, a teacher that laid enormous hope on me back then. Still...the whole story ended with me crushing those hopes of his, locking him inside a jail of disappointment...

There was one very day, i was advised to resign of the board; The teacher told me that i lost the whole thing already and people everywhere bears a hatred-heart towards me..and it got me bothered, bothered quite alot even till this very second while i'm typing this..

At first, i did intend to resign but then again, i know myself won't be satisfied just like that, i know clearly that i won't take a step behind and go down to these words of theirs, even it means i have to disappoint him again..even though i know, i won't have anymore chance to talk to him anymore once i have choosen this path that i'm walking on right now..

Every words of his that day, marked deep in my heart; I never see him sounded so disappointed, i never expect him to suggest me to resign...

If i followed his suggestion that day, the other issue that wraps me like a snake won't happen; I won't have to go through this..i won't have to receive another punishment for sth tht i....

Am i regret? U may ask...

But everyone knows, it's a lie if one tells u he or she doesn't feel regret over any decision..cause regrets always come to haunt us when our decision ends up with a lousy ending. But then again, another teacher taught me, always staying in a regret-mode, always looking back won't help one to move on and handle what he or she's facing..in fact, it'll just bring him down hard..

Sorry, sir..i know i did disappoint u alot. N sorry, sir...i chosed not to listen to ur suggestion. I understand this path that i chosed is one that i'll have to walk on it alone..like u said, i always hide behind people when sth happened..so, now..if they want to shoot me down, i'll just say...

"Try ur best.."

And all those people that hate me, i don't know whether u all are envy bout me, or i got a big issue with u all..but then again, i apologise that i ever make u all so darn pissed to back-stab me..i know u all won't do that if u all aren't that worked out over me..i'm sorry..i really do...

Still..i apologise for another time..cause when this little piece of article ends, i'll have to say...

"I don't care a shit bout how u all see me or what u all plan to do with me..cause, if u wanna start the darn game, i'll just say..lay it on.."

Sorry..u all are no longer a piece of disturbance in my mind...and i won't hope u all to forgive me or stop ur small actions cause if u all are feeling better doing so..please do so..that's the least i can do for u all, right?

Sorry again..to everyone..

Struggle Within

Days have passed since I lifted up my spirit and confronted with the teachers. Days have passed, and the result was announced. It didn't change much; The post was still with him, and I was being placed firmly on the throne of a new post......a new post that created by teachers.

All type of unhappy faces flashed across my eyes when it ended up that way. It just made me wonder, question the right and wrong of my action. It......was inpolite to bear the thought to shoot someone down from the tree of the board, no need to mention carrying that intention out...

I guess, people around just marked a thought that I'm that kind of guy who refuses to admit my lost......and may be, may be I am what they think or I am not. Who knows and who can decide who's right or wrong......caused even the one involved didn't know how to lay out a statement about this.

Slowly, things started to settle down and the curtain started to fall. And the adding issue, started to shine and caught everyone's attention. Many of people go against it, and so, the war started to roam freely among us.

My head wished to cancel out all the added post. Actually, not only him. It's everyone's view, including mine...

I started my war caused I wanted to fix the whole thing and lend him a hand in everyway I can; It was the reason that I took up my pistol and started to shoot at that guy......caused I know, and I dare to say, his stay won't help at all and may be even ruin the whole thing, bringing it down when it was already in worst condition.

I know, when people hear this from me, all kind of opinions will come out and mostly......are aiming at me, critising me.

It's true...I'm not very good. And it's true...I'm not right. But who decides whether the whole thing is right or wrong? Teachers? Me? You? Or even the head? Using the love of mine towards prefectorial board, I fought my war and even if it didn't end out to be the way I wanted to, and he was still relaxing on his throne......I was glad that I was given a chance to fix the whole thing, given a chance to reset the whole thing before it reaches the no-return-state.

But now, my intention to help out my friend, who is the head cornered me in a tight spot. His first task was to cancel out all the new-added-post and mine happened to be one of the four.

In others' eyes, I wasn't hopeless. But those who know the reason why a new post was added for me, instead of me taking over that turd's post will have a clear mind of what's going to happen to me if his first task is able to be finalised...

The exit of my dream is right in front of me; Walking through it may cause my dream to crumble before it even started to be carried out...but it will surely help my head to finish his first task and set our influence on the right track again. If I decide to stand still in front of the exit, my post will most probably still with me, my dream will definately share a chance to be realised and I'll be able to fix the whole thing like the hope I was holding when I entered a confrontation with all those people...but......it goes against my wish to help out my head, goes against my aim of getting rid of that clown.

I wonder what others will do, or may be......it's clear what others will do. It's just they don't dare to show it to others...

For this far, I walked my way up here. And now, I was trapped caused of the source of my strenght and courage for this long struggle...I'm really ignorant, very ignorant about what should I do in this very moment...

Rain after sunny day

People used to say sunny day comes after the rain...

Questions started to swirl around their mouth, when someone says rain comes after sunny day. It's understandable...so, I guess I'll be asked whether I have type the wrong thing, am I trying to be the unique guy under the sun or am I normal???

"The sunlight shone through the lourve window of my window and touched my face..."

"Things were falling to their own place, like the the brownish leaf that were falling in the park...."

"...and the dragonfly brought along the fog as it flew over the clear pond (truth).."

The seed just continue to grow and how much I wish she'll be able to sit beside me, witness the growth of it inside me...

Slowly,

"HE tried on his dark coat.."

"...I lost the warmful touch of the sun.."

"..and HE cried cause HE was touched by our story.."

Stress was laid on me like a blanket; Study started to turn on the red light. Somehow, I think I found the old, dusty stressful mask inside the old memory trunk.

I promised the one in the mirror, I won't try to find an exit for this. And I'm telling myself, the rain will ends. By that time, I want to hold her in my arms and let the falling stars dresses our sight...

Redirecting

I'm feeling the curtain is falling over our story. I tried to hold on the rope as hard as I can, but somehow, doubt covered my sight, those words of yours just laid a shot to me from behind...

Am I that lousy? Or I was a fool from the very beginning till the very end? Tell me, girl...what makes you pushed me aside. Don't say those words, I know them, I heard them and for my own sake, I'm so bored with them as well..so, tell me something new, would you?

The smile on your face when "Kok Hou's no longer waiting for you" and "Kok Hou doesn't love you anymore"; I can't see them but I can imagine them...imagining them being displayed on your cute face.

At this time, may be you're thinking that things have settle down for both me and you. Or may be you think that I'm through with you. Think, all those are what you think and I don't know whether I want to burst your bubble and set up a cinema of my heart in front of you.

You're treating me bit like last time but I still can't really let go of the little love portion that I mixed up within me, and those smiles of yours when I was said making a thousand mile gap between us...

Sadness, ignorant, helpless, all those things that bothered me back then and now. I don't know what to do with them, should I see them as a gift from you? Should I treat them as my little pets? Or should I give them the position you own?

My own alarm is being sounded; I'm tired, too tired to get over everything all over again. I build up an imaginary castle inside my head and tried to find its perfect owner from time after time, and now..I will step on the break, raise a giant hammer, and smash the whole thing to the ground; The castle, the mind, the feeling...

And those presents that you gave me, I'll take them as a part of my life, as keepers of my memory about you...

And...I'm redirecting them onto something, I'll train myself on basketball and from now on, I'll aim for noone or nothing..but to be the star in a team.

Let the curtain falls then...let it falls with a sad actor sitting alone on the stage of life...

It doesn't matter

You may know me to be a sensitive guy, you may know me to be an annoying fellow but..let's just say I'm more than meets the eye.......

People have their own freedom to think whatever they want about me; They can say I'm a jerk, they can say I'm a fool, they can call me a bastard or even a turd. But I got so used to it that I don't mind what rubbish come out from their bloody mouth. Plenty of people are pro in being a reporter, spreading bad things about others and I guess you must have a certain fame till others' jealousy reach the red zone, till they need to do something to relief themselves. I understand they're pretty pityful..I know.....

I don't mind what other say about me, but I did mind what you said about me...

One question, notice I use "did"? I don't know what's playing through your worry head right now, you may mean it when you tell others that I'm not your type, bla bla bla. I guess you already know that feeling is something that noone can explain. Don't agree? Uh huh, no need to say it, ssh...

You may say I sound like a jerk, say whatever you like cause you know what, I don't care a shit. I know you'll be boilled when you see what I say but I care too much about others sometimes, till I lost my life. I have enough, girl...read my lips, ENOUGH!
I'll still store you inside the dusty hard-disc of mine whether you like it or not. So, you can try to do something to piss me off, twist my mind or whatever. But let me tell you, since you're trying that badly to shut your door, why don't you just use those time to ask yourself whether things are really as what you tell others? Are you really letting things go?

Pump your face up as hard as you want, boil your blood up as hot as you want. I care about you too much...and now, no more.
I'm going to turn the table and damn, that's right.

Go on and tell the whole world that I'm not your type, but hear me...I'm pretty good in making girls fall for me and you're a girl, what makes you think that you can escape?

I choose the path I want and whatever you want to do or say, none of it matters. Sorry, it doesn't matter to me anymore.

I'm going to...

For days I have sat on the emotional rollercoaster, I really thought that it'll never stop and I'll never set foot on the solid ground again. I really did......

I openned my heart and mouth, letted every restrained words within me out. Each and every word came out from my mouth, each and every images that played inside my head, they acted like an amplifier; Reminding me how important one has becomes to me, reminding myself how stumbled I have become. I just couldn't do anything to help myself out of this, in sudden sweep of the falling star, I have become so helpless.

I guess such feeling isn't a stranger to you...

Actions and sights of others on me, things just make me look like a bad guy. I regconise those faces, happy faces of all of you. But now, you all are putting on the angry or distest mask towards me. Is it wrong..was it a mistake or a feeling that I shouldn't bear or shouldn't let out? Or may be...you all are like this all the time, it's just...I'm too dumb to realise it..

I wish to question, I wish to ask and how much I wish that I can get hold on the answer that I'm looking for, hoping for. However, I don't think I can write the question out on the white board and ask you all about it, I just couldn't do so; I just wouldn't want to treat you all in such way, especially you...

I did care whether a red light is shed on the path, but I don't care now. No matter what you do, no matter what you all do...I just won't step on the break padle and lift the handbreak. It's true, I won't no matter how much it'll make you all hate me, no matter how many of those faces I'll have to see.

I have enough of being botherred that badly and I'm tired of it as well. I promise to the falling curtain on earth, I will use those bothers that I got and channel them on what I like to do; I'll bring them along like my beg, whether I'm on the basketball court, in school or at home.

Let's take this as......something to save you inside my memory.

tell me, girl

Three days have passed; Three days since the little conversation we had, three days since I brought along a different heart to school, and three days...people around kept popping out question marks for me about...ME! Yeah, it may sounds confusing but that's all I can use to describe what their questions usually about, it's either my behaviour or my look...

People always call those who dream under the sun a white-day-dreamer. I didn't really bear that title for all these time, but......within those three days, I think perhaps...I have eventually play a role inside the story "Sleeping Beauty". It's just this time, the prince is the one who sleeps, I mean his mind and I don't think there's an ending where the prince wakes the princess up, then live happily in far far away.

Here's the funny part, I know I was bothered but I could't see clearly, what is troubling me and I know I was going to sit on the throne of blur kingdom, it's just...I couldn't put down that honour; My concentration ran away like the piggy being chased by wolf, my awareness just roamed freely like animals inside the jungle, in fairy tales. And till the bottom line, I was so helpless like the granny inside the wolf's tummy.

How I wish...I can blame this on someone, may be the bad, old witch or the hungry wolf. But I know, that just won't happen. At least......I think I have restrained myself to blame you, you or you, no matter what happen. I guess I just couldn't sit on the judge's chair...

Every fairy tales ended with a happy ending, I hope that this lousy story of mine could meet up with a turning-point or the princess inside the story could open her heart once more to the prince. If the writer found it's hard to let the story goes like what I hope, then.....may be He could write the princess would move her beautiful lips and tell the dwarf knows what she wants...at least that...