The whole scenery was brushed through with black and gray. At the higher part of it, a grayish-white circle was drawn, and spots of yellow were added, with a brush with yellow paint being pressed lightly around the perfect circle. It is a masterpiece entitled "Starry Night" drawn by Him, a picture which I wished and wish to share with her; two people lying on a field and be mesmerized by its beauty.
It's true that there's only a shadow of one's now. And it's true that this is a self-drawn picture of loneliness, which will last until an unknown date. The intention that could once be shared through phone calls and short messages has lost its sharing ability. The connectivity between two separated individuals that enables the understanding and appreciation of the intention has broken as well; all these could only be found in the past, as the feeling she had that brought her to me has no presence in the present...
It hurts, for me to accept that fact but the bruises caused by this tightly held rose deny my refusal to admit the truth; she doesn't love me anymore, her heart doesn't have a guy named KH anymore. It hurts, even when I just typing them out now. Sentences showing her feeling for him, memories that keeps telling me her importance to me, all these make up the thorns on this rose's stem. The pain that is avoidable becomes unavoidable, as the wish to concern and to cherish, to care and to love lives on. It seems dumb but the pain is refused to be traded off, even with happiness, as its existence is a sign of my feeling towards her, a last remaining proof of the existence of our love in the past.
I used to think that I should continue to hold tightly on this rose because I love her. I cried, I confused, I lost, but I never complaint. I hated, I blamed, I pissed, but I never revenged. Life is never easy and I realized it will not be made any easier when I made this decision; it was realized that this whole thing could turn out to be nothing, this whole thing could just be a waste of time and effort, as mentioned by others, as well as herself. With each and every passing day, the thorns on the stem just gets sharper and more in numbers. With each and every passing day, the night just gets tough and tougher for me to rest, not only because of the pain but the fear, of ever dreaming a scene which I wouldn't want to see until the last breathe of mine.
The way both of you interact, the change of my role in your eyes, the zero amount of interactions between us...
Everything has already shattered into pieces; the jigsaw puzzle that we were putting together has totally be separated from the day you said "Break". However, with everything falling apart, there's still a guy who insisted to hold on, to believe in, and to put together the separated pieces, to at least how it was before you left. Like I said, I don't mind to be that fool, to be that idiot, to be that weakling, to be whatever others say or think, as long as I could feel your existence, as long as I could be the armor for the promises in past and the love that I'm still carrying with me.
"My heart will always be yours, you'll always be in my heart."
These words were mentioned quite some time ago, and most probably being mentioned by others, as well as both of you. These are one of the famous quotes for couples, they always carried feelings, but lost their meaning when what once one becomes two; they aren't something that I should continue to hold on, continue to believe in, especially when the story reaches what it is now. But I don't care whether it is just a poor excuse for me, for me to continue to this invincible man in your eyes, who is doing what-you-consider invincible and useless things which will not deter our story from meeting its full stop.
However, please understand that I could not be as sane as you, my body and mind just gets out-of-control, I'm just being a moth flying towards the flame. I'll hold on even when there's just little hope, something that you would not give; I created my own hope, I believe in this self-made hope, and as long as I'm alive, this hope will be too. In another words, there will never be "hopeless". Perhaps it is the pride's work, perhaps it is love or perhaps it is obsession, but no matter what you and others think, the fact that I hope to be together with you again stands out tall from this thick fog; there will be another chapter after the full stop laid.
I used to think that I should continue to hold on to this rose. The "used to" is there and my mind does change. But it's not that I regretted, I gave up, I stopped believing or I lost the hope; instead of just holding on tightly, I will plant the rose on to this earth. Even though it is a never-dying rose, but it'll never grow in my hand; I want it to grow, I want it to grow to be the bouquet of roses, which I will give to you in future, on your birthday, on Valentine's Day, on our anniversaries, on the day when I'll kneel in front of you, proposing...and on many other occasions in future, just like the picture on the jigsaw that we were once building.
I know the pain will go on, I know you will continue to love him and others that will come into your life in future. I know the time is unknown for me to be able to be with you again, I know that I might not be in your life again, and will be forgotten, just like the dust being carried away by the wind. However, I'll continue to take care of this rose, even if I bleed, even if I cry; may my blood and tears be used to nourish this rose named "Love". I have found a new direction, a new purpose, and even when this dream remains to be a fool's dream, there's no regrets, as I loved, love, and will continue to love you.
I really hope that you'll be able to read all these but I know it's quite impossible as I have changed the address of this blog secretly. Perhaps, it's good for you to not able to read these as well cause knowing so, I'm sure that I'm typing not because to bring you back to me...even through I hope you will.
I know that even if someone ever tells you the address, even if you ever come across reading these, it will make no differences; you will not carry any feeling towards me, for now and perhaps in future as well. However, these aren't meant to make you feel anything, these aren't meant to be complains, and definitely, these aren't meant to be make you regret or depressed, as I don't want you to be sad, as I don't want you to feel anything else but you love me.
All these, each and every one of them, they make up a record for us to read together in future, with you lying on my chest. All these make up a love story, which I pray to end with a happy ending...
"Sorry to be such a pest but I just couldn't stop loving you."
"Good night and sweet dream, I love you, CHX..." the invincible man smiles, and with tears of joy in his eyes, he enters his dream, hoping to be able to be with the girl he misses so much in his dream...
*finished on 5th Sept 2010, 1.00 am.
No comments:
Post a Comment