Y

"You expect so much for what?"

A simple question becomes complicated when it is displayed out in the bright screen of the cell cause the reader has no answer; he doesn't know what to say or how to reply the question, he was stoned. Deep inside, he knows very well how this conversation will end up; deep within, he is asking himself to do the same as what others asked him to do...

"Cause this is the reason why I will do all these stupid things, why I'll continue to hold on even though badly bruised. I know it's a fool's dream. Sorry."

Words by words, his finger typed out the reply. He knows that his friend is going to ask him to let go just like the others because they think it's not worth it. And perhaps, it is really unworthy but he just know that he still love her. For him, that is all that count and enough for him to go through all these...

He's tired mentally and physically. His eyes' lids are getting heavier but the reply that he hoped still doesn't reach him. A word "soon" is not enough to convince him that she's already safely return to home. 12 when the word reaches him, it's 1 and the cell in his palm still doesn't show her name. He keeps pushing on, his mind starts to have a lot of negative pictures run through like some kind of slide show but he refuses to send another message to her, afraid of annoying her. Soon, it's 2...he continues to wait...

"She will message me if she concerns about me being worried over her."

In his mind, there's a debate going on; he conscious knows that she will not be, knows that most probably she will sleep straight forward without him coming across her mind but his heart believes that she will at least send a simple word of "home" to him because she knows that someone will be worrying about her. 

This little debate could actually last for eternity cause the judges of two supports different point as well; his friend voices out that the hurtful fact that he is reluctant to accept, which refer to their relationship is already a past and he has no need to worry about her or right to ask her, while himself on the other hand, thinking that there's no need for the "need" for him to worry about her because he wants to and he could do whatever he wants, just like what she said to him.

The issue about "rights" is always tough for him to accept but he knows that it is already a solid fact. And he knows that he may twist the meaning of her words as well, the moment he thinks that. However, he just wants to do so. And so, he waits and waits. It is never a fair debate, cause no matter what is the outcome, he will just continue to be the fool in others' and perhaps her eyes, even until now, the moment he's typing this.

What time he sleeps? He doesn't know as well. All he know is that the cell doesn't show the thing he wished throughout the night, after he does the first thing that goes across his mind the moment he opens up his eyes in the morning, without taking a step down his bed...

"You must be thinking that he's a fool, right?"

"Me too..."

"...but still, I want to be that fool, even though every darn day, he feels that himself is more and more stupid."

"Reason?"

"Perhaps you or she will tell me..."

R

Retribution...

Standing on the edge of the roof, looking up to the starry sky, breathing deeply, with every breathe filled with despair, regret, confusion; instead of knowing that she'll be waiting for me, I'm totally depressed cause I know that it's already a past.

White mist coming out from my mouth and everything is cold but the "water" has dried up. All alone, accompanied by nothing but those "wh-" questions; who am I? What am I supposed to do? What's she trying to tell? What's the ending for this whole thing? 

Supposedly, the articles titled "S", "O", "R", "R", "Y" meant to bring things back, to undo this whole nightmare, but who ever expected things gone out of track before the second "R" to be finished. Life is really filled with things that are out of our expectations, at least, it is out of my expectation, as till this very moment, I still couldn't accept the fact that we have separated.   

One more step from here would end every darn thing... One more step and I would be freed from these...

I know "let go" is the alternative and everybody is asking, telling, convincing me to take that route but perhaps I didn't change, perhaps the old me is still here; I know I ain't gonna let go cause I don't want this whole darn thing to end no matter how much it's going to toll me, and I'm doing it, with every little strength that I could spare, every ounce of hope that I could make up.

It really bothers me to know as if I'm nothing in your life; you're glad that I could get listeners cause at least you know I won't do anything stupid as now, I know you care but, the little me just couldn't help to feel that you behaved so not because of the old feeling we shared, but just concern towards a normal friend. I know the little me most probably is right, but the unwilling of mine to accept that fact started the fucking struggle within me again. 

I know my life in the past was filled with shits as well, and I swallowed them without much trouble. Everyone around me believes that I could do so as well, but I doubt I could cause swallowing it means losing her, even though I already lost her...

120,982 stories high are enough to end everything... Falling down from one story to another, the memory hits "rewind" and when my head nearing the floor, I'm standing in a room, with her sitting in front of the me who is still blue... The smiles on each others' face...dragged me out from staying in my mind.

It is what I deserve, and I know whatever shit I typed will not be seen by her. Even if does, she will no longer be of a difference than others. Still, I just want to say this...

"I'm sorry, dad and mom. I'm sorry, sis. I'm sorry, my friends. I'm sorry to whoever is giving me their supports. I will not let go, no matter how tough it gets. I know she will not appreciate it, even it's retribution with my life but it's just... I still love her..."

R

Reaching out slowly, laying my arms around her waist, and staring at her, who is laying on my chest... Turning over slow, she stares at me with a smile; her beautiful eyes, her sweet smile, her soft hair, her unique sense, I just couldn't held myself back from laying my lips on top of hers...

That's the moment I was knocked out of the picture; waking up just to realize that I'm still laying alone on my bed in my room, accompanied by nothing but silence, with a little remix effect of the spinning fan. She just ain't there, not here, not even by the me within as the keeper of my heart and soul. All that is left is her pictures, pictures where she's smiling happily, with me besides her.

I did tell her that time is not an issue if we both have heart for each other, that is what I'm believing and what that is keeping me intact right now. However, I know I couldn't stand up again if I ever fall again, I couldn't be back to the whole me if I were to lose her, I couldn't bear the stabs if her fingers slip away from mine. It is not that I wish to own her; NO, I am wishing to own her, to have her by my heart for the rest of my life; it is not because of some promises that we made, it is not because of my stupid pride. I couldn't even raise the invisible knife to chop the line that links me with her, even if the price is being penalized, discriminated, teased for the rest of my life. 

 

"Could I really do that?"

Myself is being questioned for times, whether I could really just stand there and watch her leaves if that will make her happy. Still, the answer remains as uncertain; I'm too selfish to let her go! But I don't want to watch her to be unhappy as well. I know love is always selfish, but I know love could be very noble as well; I realize that very well but I am just another normal fellow, I ain't some noble guy, I'm just a stupid fellow who is trying to be someone who he is not, and the end result is always getting himself scared all over, getting himself shattered into pieces.

"Don't always put other people first, you need to care about yourself too."

You once told me that but am I supposed to do so now? Girl, I just couldn't bear it to see you unhappy because you mean a whole lot to me, more to me than I ever imagine myself, much more than what was being put into words to you. And it is because of that as well, I'm tangled in this web now. However, I know I rather to lead a live like now than to ever lose you for sure.

Is it true that the future is unknown! I can't agree more to that statement but I have no confidence that I could ever get you back in future, while we will be forced to be apart due to the physical boundaries again. At the same time, I'm afraid that I would lose you again in future; it is not that I have no faith in you, someone who I have loved for three years, it's just the fear is just too overwhelming for me to bear it myself. 

However, what else could I ask from you? Like what you said, you went through that alone back then as well, while I was being a fool as I am now. It is not any form of revenge, it is karma and I deserve every ounce of what has been installed for me in these few days, upcoming weeks, months and years, including the struggle that I'm having now.

"God, I don't ever dare to ask for You or her to forgive me. But please, make her better on whatever it is worth of me to both of you. Please..."

O

Opening the room door, the sound of the key entering the key hole brings down the temperature in me to subzero; I am frozen for a while, recalling to the incident that occurred...

Time to time, my eyes just couldn't be kept long away from the phone, even though its cells is already dead; I wonder what am I waiting for? A phone call? A message? Or none of the mentioned? But it seems to be a rhetorical question, even for the one who is questioning it, as I really don't know what is flashing through my mind.

My silent, warm-hearted friend who has been and most probably will be accompanying me during this toughest time of my 21 years was there while I rushed out of the house but He is no longer here while I got home; guess He must be tired as well, being by my side for whole day, supporting me from far above and keeping an eye on the guy who has been knocked here and there.

His company gives me a slight feeling of calmness during the day, while the phone is not ringing. But now, I could felt that my chest is pounding within, no matter what I'm doing; surfing the internet, it is pounding, even more rapid while I tried to see any changes is made on the status; sitting or standing, it is pounding, worst when I peep at my cellphone. 

The beat of it remains that intense regardless what I'm doing...

Stopped...it stopped all in the sudden and by that time, the whole room is out of my sight but my glowing cellphone; it is a call but it is not from her, and I could feel my heart beating normally again. It ain't a long call and it ain't long before the phone glows again, this time, it is from her; I was waiting for her for whole day, the hole within me just getting larger and larger, as if I'm going to vanish, and I have been desperate for the cure. However, she is the drummer inside of me as well...

The moment she voices her concern, I am weightless; it is hard to imagine for someone smaller than another could lift him or her up with just abstract words. And I have my finger crossed, hoping that this will last forever. But everything shattered and my body which is shivering out of being touched and happy solidified in split second; her questions slapped me out of the fool's dream and brought me back to reality, where things are still how they are.

She was right about me; I am like constraining, controlling or monitoring people around her. There is no excuse for that, and even if I say it is because I love her too much to be filled with fear of losing her, the whole thing will still be an excuse because I have lost her, lost her since yesterday phone call that I received, not long after I got back to my room, not long after the sound of the key has passed...

Finally I realize why does my heart will behave such a way; I am afraid, scare of have to face the situation where I'll need to lose her again but at the same time, I am happy, thrilled of knowing that she still cares about me. I'm not waiting for anyone's phone call or message, but hers. I'm not afraid of anyone's phone call or message but hers as well; a picture of both fear and happiness is drawn, with my in it, as the overlapped shadow.

"It's alright..."

The shadow whispers as he opens up the photo album she gave and smiles, staring at the pictures, with a pair of water-clouded eyes.

"If the happiness was to leave in future, as a price of eliminating the fear throughout the upcoming days, fear is what that would be much rather to be lived with, even if it could just bring a few seconds of joy."

S

Still very used to be pressing your number while messaging or looking at the phone at night to wait for your sweet voice to call… Perhaps the sentence is really true, “you will never know until you lose it.” I just wonder whether you are feeling the same, same as I do… 

The sky here is gloomy, without any stars. Somehow, it gives me a feeling that He understands how I feel and shows me his sympathy; His sympathy to a lonely shadow who is sitting beside the window and pouring out his tears onto this piece of article…

If I were to be a prince, then she’ll definitely be my beautiful princess; I was leading a life like a prince, being care for and loved by her. But who knows, I am the prince of Stupid Land, who didn’t know how to cherish my princess and still give an ocean of excuses. 

Life has gone back to the stage, where I need to put on the dusty smiling mask again; it really has been a long while, since I ever need to act happy, there’ll always be a smile in me, even when my expression is exhausted or neutral. Forgive me because I just couldn’t stop bragging about her because she was the most precious treasure for me; my results? They never give me a long-term feeling of proud. She was the achievement in my life but why? Why must Chu be so stupid to realize this only when it is a “was”?! Why am I such an idiot, who only know how to cry, like now?!

Once, I heard people say that if you wish upon a falling star, your dream will come true. If that is true, then how many falling stars will there need to be to make my hope comes true? To make the “was” to “is” and continues to be “will be”?

I just couldn’t help myself to stare at the night sky, even if the artist in sky will draw two lines on my face; the night where we laid down on the grass land and looking at the night sky, with fireworks, and I kissed her; the night where both of us walking around, rushing to get a cab for her to go home; the night where I called her up and wished her “Happy New Year”, “Happy Chinese New Year”, “Happy Birthday”, and “Happy Valentine’s Day”; the night where she called me up and wished me “Happy Anniversary”…

I don’t mind to be sad, more, or worst, as long as I could relate to her, this crying face will always be accompanied with a smile…

It’s a cozy night, easy for others to fall asleep but it won’t be for me because I know even with her calling me, I just couldn’t bear to close my eyes because I’m afraid that the moment I open my eyes, I will no longer mean anything to her.

First night is always the toughest, but this stupid prince still hopes that this night will never past…

God, if you could stop the time!!! God, if you could turn back the time!!! God, if you could bring her back to me and make the “was” to continue for the rest of my life… I promise I would change, I promise I would do everything in my ability to keep her in my arms… God!!! (He replies with a soft touch on my cold face…)