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Opening the room door, the sound of the key entering the key hole brings down the temperature in me to subzero; I am frozen for a while, recalling to the incident that occurred...

Time to time, my eyes just couldn't be kept long away from the phone, even though its cells is already dead; I wonder what am I waiting for? A phone call? A message? Or none of the mentioned? But it seems to be a rhetorical question, even for the one who is questioning it, as I really don't know what is flashing through my mind.

My silent, warm-hearted friend who has been and most probably will be accompanying me during this toughest time of my 21 years was there while I rushed out of the house but He is no longer here while I got home; guess He must be tired as well, being by my side for whole day, supporting me from far above and keeping an eye on the guy who has been knocked here and there.

His company gives me a slight feeling of calmness during the day, while the phone is not ringing. But now, I could felt that my chest is pounding within, no matter what I'm doing; surfing the internet, it is pounding, even more rapid while I tried to see any changes is made on the status; sitting or standing, it is pounding, worst when I peep at my cellphone. 

The beat of it remains that intense regardless what I'm doing...

Stopped...it stopped all in the sudden and by that time, the whole room is out of my sight but my glowing cellphone; it is a call but it is not from her, and I could feel my heart beating normally again. It ain't a long call and it ain't long before the phone glows again, this time, it is from her; I was waiting for her for whole day, the hole within me just getting larger and larger, as if I'm going to vanish, and I have been desperate for the cure. However, she is the drummer inside of me as well...

The moment she voices her concern, I am weightless; it is hard to imagine for someone smaller than another could lift him or her up with just abstract words. And I have my finger crossed, hoping that this will last forever. But everything shattered and my body which is shivering out of being touched and happy solidified in split second; her questions slapped me out of the fool's dream and brought me back to reality, where things are still how they are.

She was right about me; I am like constraining, controlling or monitoring people around her. There is no excuse for that, and even if I say it is because I love her too much to be filled with fear of losing her, the whole thing will still be an excuse because I have lost her, lost her since yesterday phone call that I received, not long after I got back to my room, not long after the sound of the key has passed...

Finally I realize why does my heart will behave such a way; I am afraid, scare of have to face the situation where I'll need to lose her again but at the same time, I am happy, thrilled of knowing that she still cares about me. I'm not waiting for anyone's phone call or message, but hers. I'm not afraid of anyone's phone call or message but hers as well; a picture of both fear and happiness is drawn, with my in it, as the overlapped shadow.

"It's alright..."

The shadow whispers as he opens up the photo album she gave and smiles, staring at the pictures, with a pair of water-clouded eyes.

"If the happiness was to leave in future, as a price of eliminating the fear throughout the upcoming days, fear is what that would be much rather to be lived with, even if it could just bring a few seconds of joy."