R

Reaching out slowly, laying my arms around her waist, and staring at her, who is laying on my chest... Turning over slow, she stares at me with a smile; her beautiful eyes, her sweet smile, her soft hair, her unique sense, I just couldn't held myself back from laying my lips on top of hers...

That's the moment I was knocked out of the picture; waking up just to realize that I'm still laying alone on my bed in my room, accompanied by nothing but silence, with a little remix effect of the spinning fan. She just ain't there, not here, not even by the me within as the keeper of my heart and soul. All that is left is her pictures, pictures where she's smiling happily, with me besides her.

I did tell her that time is not an issue if we both have heart for each other, that is what I'm believing and what that is keeping me intact right now. However, I know I couldn't stand up again if I ever fall again, I couldn't be back to the whole me if I were to lose her, I couldn't bear the stabs if her fingers slip away from mine. It is not that I wish to own her; NO, I am wishing to own her, to have her by my heart for the rest of my life; it is not because of some promises that we made, it is not because of my stupid pride. I couldn't even raise the invisible knife to chop the line that links me with her, even if the price is being penalized, discriminated, teased for the rest of my life. 

 

"Could I really do that?"

Myself is being questioned for times, whether I could really just stand there and watch her leaves if that will make her happy. Still, the answer remains as uncertain; I'm too selfish to let her go! But I don't want to watch her to be unhappy as well. I know love is always selfish, but I know love could be very noble as well; I realize that very well but I am just another normal fellow, I ain't some noble guy, I'm just a stupid fellow who is trying to be someone who he is not, and the end result is always getting himself scared all over, getting himself shattered into pieces.

"Don't always put other people first, you need to care about yourself too."

You once told me that but am I supposed to do so now? Girl, I just couldn't bear it to see you unhappy because you mean a whole lot to me, more to me than I ever imagine myself, much more than what was being put into words to you. And it is because of that as well, I'm tangled in this web now. However, I know I rather to lead a live like now than to ever lose you for sure.

Is it true that the future is unknown! I can't agree more to that statement but I have no confidence that I could ever get you back in future, while we will be forced to be apart due to the physical boundaries again. At the same time, I'm afraid that I would lose you again in future; it is not that I have no faith in you, someone who I have loved for three years, it's just the fear is just too overwhelming for me to bear it myself. 

However, what else could I ask from you? Like what you said, you went through that alone back then as well, while I was being a fool as I am now. It is not any form of revenge, it is karma and I deserve every ounce of what has been installed for me in these few days, upcoming weeks, months and years, including the struggle that I'm having now.

"God, I don't ever dare to ask for You or her to forgive me. But please, make her better on whatever it is worth of me to both of you. Please..."