..no matter what..

Everytime i recall about the past, whether it's the story that u told me or the truth..actually, i feel very sorry towards u cause i know..even though i hate to admit it but i do think u feel hurted cause of what he did to u..i hate to admit it but that was and is what's my thought sounds like..

From time after time, i just couldn't seem to let go off the past and actually..i'm as selfish as u. Who knows? Maybe more selfish than u... Everytime, i just put u through the whole thing over and over again..causing those bruises on ur heart bleed again.. What for?? Just to calm my mind down..settle my problem.. But..the price in return...it's far too big for me to pay..it's tough for me to see u being troubled, hurted again by those thoughts of how he treated u..

It's true that i just couldn't accept u liked him, kissed by him, this and that.. It's true cause i kept on questioning myself...how can a girl who said she loved someone can like another person at the same time and did all those??

But then...

I should let go long ago.. It's unfair for me to ask u to bear my silly thoughts with me..to play by my game and feel the hurts caused by him just because of my dumb injuries...

It's very unfair towards u but u never complain before..u didn't..
It's painful for u to recall how he treated u..but u never back down and continue to face it just to answer my stupid questions..

Ssh..stop saying that u're selfish, refuse to let me go..
Ssh..stop thinking that u're the one that caused all these..
Ssh..stop afraid that i'll leave u..

....cause, no matter what..

NO MATTER WHAT, i wan u to know that i'm more selfish that u're..the moment i kneel in front of u..and ask u to be my wife..even by name for now..i already tell myself, that u'll always be my girl..i'm more selfish cause i wished to have u by my side forever...and i'm sorry for that selfishness..i just couldn't seem to be able to control myself..sorry..

NO MATTER WHAT, remember this..

please remember this..

u wasn't and u aren't the cause for everything that happened now..

it was me who was the ignorant fool..

it is me who's making myself pain... not u..nothing to do with u..

And even.. even if u insist on thinking that u're the fault.. then, i wan u to know something, to remember something... sorry, i couldn't blame the one i love.. i couldn't cause i didn't have the strenght to blame my heart's owner.. i couldn't cause i won't want to.. i couldn't..cause..cause..i love u.. and i'm telling u again, i love u, chee hui xin..

n..

NO MATTER WHAT, so zhu, i'll never leave u.. Remember teacher mentioned that we should be prepared that one day we may lose each other? And she asked us to bear a preparation, right? I'm telling u right here, right now..i won't make any preparation..i won't...cause no matter what, i know..cause no matter what, my heart will never be able to leave u..to leave someone that meant and means so much to me..to leave someone that i wish to hold her hands for the rest of time..i won't and i'll never leave..deep down, i'll never leave my dear wife.. I want u to know, even if there's really a day when u'll leave me and walk away..i want u to know..that my heart will still be with u, my feeling will still surrounding u..cause i will always wait for u..cause i'll always..always watching u from far, loving u from my deep..

Sorry to put u through all those pains..i'm sorry..

Stop blaming urself, stop thinking urself as useless..cause having u by my side..it's already the greatest support that i can ever have..and u know how much u mean to me..u know..i believe u know..

If u're crying reading this..wipe off ur tears..and close ur eyes slowly..imagine my stupid face..recall my cold jokes and maybe bear a dream..a dream that one day when u wake up from ur beauty sleep..i'll be there..lying beside u, looking at my sleepyhead with a thin smile..on our bed, in our house..

Stop blaming, stop thinking..yeah, i'm restraining ur thoughts..i want to own u in and out..

If u wan to blame, blame me..blame me for my stupidity back then..and blame me for what a failure i ended up to be..for i don't possess a immortal body..a never-dying body so that i can be by ur side forever, concerning about u, caring about u, loving u forever without any boundaries like time, age or death..

And if u wan to think, think this..what kind of life u wan us to share in the future?? What kind of wedding that u're hoping for? And where is it to be held?? Where u wan to have our honeymoon?? And how many children we'll have?? There's no need to worry or think about how to become a good mother or a good wife..cause i realise, i know and i believe..u'll be the best mother that our children will ever have..u'll be the best wife that this dumb guy here will ever have...cause for me, chee hui xin, u're already the best..and if u don't believe urself..please believe my taste as well, k?

I love you, my dear..i really do...forever and ever.. Hope it doesn't scare u.. ^^