I Knew It

I knew it,

the situation's need;

I knew it,

self happiness' seed;

I really knew it,

from long ago, I just knew it...

I knew,

the need, to climb out from this pit,

I knew,

the need, to take this healing remedy,

I knew all these, and their importance for myself. I knew no matter what, things couldn't be changed anymore. I weren't hoping for the impossible, not for things to change. I am just hoping for her to be able to fulfill this blank of her size in my heart, for her to come back and let us in love again...

I knew regardless of how much I regret, how much I cried, how much I drown myself in this sorrow, she would not care. She would, care as a friend, instead of being the role of her in my heart, the role that I gave her long ago, the role that was already determined from that day I kneel in front of her...

I knew that imagination and reality are different, and I'm just being caught up in this self-created imagination, self-rejected reality. No matter how much pain it caused and causes to me, I just take it as a sign that I loved and love her, and continue to climb out of this pit, to fulfill those needs...

I knew that everyone is hoping for me to be able to do that, and I knew the "everyone" includes her as well. That's why I continued to crawl and climb, regardless of how many times I slipped and fell. However, I'm very tired now, very tired indeed...

I knew the answer of my question about the time I need to let her go totally is unseen, but realizable. However, I just refuse to realize it. I would climb out of all these, however, inside of me, there will always this blank of her size, which is irreplaceable by others that come in my future...for I want to let her know something, even if her future is not meant to be with me anymore.

"I love you. I didn't know how long this feeling could last under such circumstances. It is not you that I have no confidence in, nor do I mind even if this feeling bears no fruit at all, just I couldn't make an estimation of my own lifespan. It's stupid of me, I knew that. 

Now, I'm smiling, with the coldness feeling on both of my cheeks. I've no longer know what I'm feeling now, however, I know that could be recover in time. In fact, everything could be faded off in time. But certain things will not, those happy moments left by you in my life, those smiles of yours, and those tears of yours which I caused. 

No matter what, I would always be here for you. I knew it's too late but it's on my own will, for I want you to know, if you ever feel ignored, lonely, lost, and sad, there will still a person on your back, pushing you, supporting you. However, I just hope that will not happen to you anymore...

Frankly, even if He gives me another chance to be with you, I may not take that up anymore. It's not because I don't want you anymore, it's not that I don't love you anymore. Do you still remember what I told you in the past? That I will love you forever... I won't take up the chance cause I fear that I may bruise your heart again, that I didn't know how to love you, even I know that I would give up everything to learn how. Just, I don't want to be so selfish anymore...

Just like before, the fingers were loosen, for I know you will be happier that way, for I could imagine your smile in my head. I love you forever, and if forever is unrealistic, then, let the time be the time I take my last breathe... Take care and let these words be of invisible, from your eyes, as well as your ears, just like me, an invisible guardian for you.

Don't worry about me. I will keep myself in top condition, no matter what. And I would start, by continuing this climb. I'm tough what! Hehe ^^  "