The Worries and Misses

It is an exceptionally long day. There is this aching inside of me and the stuffing mind, in which both seems to be restless. Even after her clear response and decision, I still couldn't stop checking my phone, hoping that her picture will appear at my screen, together with another chance. Perhaps this is "Insanity" or "Fool".

The words she said replays in my mind, sweeping my heart with an iron brush. "Can we please stop contacting each other?", "Where'll you stay?", "Is it so shameful?", "I don't wish to waste our time", "I see no future with you", etc. The replays remind me of the reality, of the suffering that she is facing now. It draws tears within me, and paints countless worries in me.

Every now and then, the sanctuary above becomes the direction I stare, asking unanswered questions like how she is feeling now, has she taken any food until now, how about water, does she has anyone to talk to, is she crying or being numb now?

I wish that she'll think about me and find me, for I miss her. However, I pressure on the hope that she will not do any of the mentioned, for it will intensify her pain, sorrow, loneliness, sadness, and disappointment. 

I wish to text her, maybe as less as few days before, providing her space and time. But is that really what she needs now? A catalyst for pain? My action is halted but my mind continues, pondering about her current situation and day-dreaming about her smile, the smell of her hair, her pinches, her angry look, her hug and hands, her everything. 

The hunger for her appearance grows, together with the guilt and the will to protect her. How much I wish for her to know that I miss her, I want her, and I love her. How much I wish she would let me show her what I've learnt and how I will cherish her until she will stay by my side till the very end. Yet...in her eyes, these might all be nothing but empty words, nothing but spikes that will harm her more.

Dear Lord, I believe You have guided me to her, considering we are a match made in heaven at the beginning of our tale. And You have walked her away, as the fool didn't cherish the special her. But I pray for Your aid, Your miracle, which will ease her and lead us back together - a foolish and greedy hope.