The Worries and Misses

It is an exceptionally long day. There is this aching inside of me and the stuffing mind, in which both seems to be restless. Even after her clear response and decision, I still couldn't stop checking my phone, hoping that her picture will appear at my screen, together with another chance. Perhaps this is "Insanity" or "Fool".

The words she said replays in my mind, sweeping my heart with an iron brush. "Can we please stop contacting each other?", "Where'll you stay?", "Is it so shameful?", "I don't wish to waste our time", "I see no future with you", etc. The replays remind me of the reality, of the suffering that she is facing now. It draws tears within me, and paints countless worries in me.

Every now and then, the sanctuary above becomes the direction I stare, asking unanswered questions like how she is feeling now, has she taken any food until now, how about water, does she has anyone to talk to, is she crying or being numb now?

I wish that she'll think about me and find me, for I miss her. However, I pressure on the hope that she will not do any of the mentioned, for it will intensify her pain, sorrow, loneliness, sadness, and disappointment. 

I wish to text her, maybe as less as few days before, providing her space and time. But is that really what she needs now? A catalyst for pain? My action is halted but my mind continues, pondering about her current situation and day-dreaming about her smile, the smell of her hair, her pinches, her angry look, her hug and hands, her everything. 

The hunger for her appearance grows, together with the guilt and the will to protect her. How much I wish for her to know that I miss her, I want her, and I love her. How much I wish she would let me show her what I've learnt and how I will cherish her until she will stay by my side till the very end. Yet...in her eyes, these might all be nothing but empty words, nothing but spikes that will harm her more.

Dear Lord, I believe You have guided me to her, considering we are a match made in heaven at the beginning of our tale. And You have walked her away, as the fool didn't cherish the special her. But I pray for Your aid, Your miracle, which will ease her and lead us back together - a foolish and greedy hope.

On My Feet Again

The cut is still fresh but mine is not the deepest. The war wages on within but mine is not the largest. It is the time where every reconciliation attempt slashes the one whom I love, thus, a time where which direction should I take on this unseen junction becomes clear.

A million "sorry" and a trillion "I love you" will not heal the wound. There is a difference between words and actions, which regrettably learnt too late. The tale within needs to be rewritten, erasing the negativity, for that is not the way of how a person should cherish another, even if there're just memories left behind.

This decision of hers was made upon the price pain, love, and tears. I should honor it neither by my selfishness, nor my tears or pain...

I've made the journey tougher for her with my stupid responses. I'm sorry. Now, I shall take a step away from the spotlight and pray that time will heal her pain. I need to be the source of positivity that will, hopefully, charges up the one so special to me.

May whoever read this could spare me a prayer, for her well-being and happiness; her smile is one of her sides that I miss the most.

Night Whisper

Twelve times, have the wood-framed clock ring. The sound of it breaks through the silent night of an empty man. It provides a short but sole companionship, as the darkness of the night substitutes his heartbeat. 

The formation of every word is made obvious by the tick and the tock. He is filled with thoughts...but none recognizable by his conscious. He is stuffed with emotions...but neither can co-exist with another logically; he feels pain, worry, hope, and disappointment but at the same time, emptiness within.

The separation wraps every message with thorns. Yet, he couldn't stop grabbing hold on the stem of the dying rose. He prays for and believe in the revival of the rose. It draws blood but it's nothing compared to the feeling of hers, who has spent almost one and a half year, growing the rose together with him.

It's his lacking of compassion that have rendered the rose to its current state. He knows he deserves no further chances but the foolish him within, hopes for it to grow back and able to let him cherishes it more than before. 

"Sweety, please stop your tears and take good care of yourself. It must have been very hurtful for you. Sorry for bringing it to you. So please be strong. Have a good rest. I will always pray for your well-being and happiness."

3rd of Sept

The separation of two souls has reached a year; from the first day of it until the 369th of it, a lot of things have changed, and the images, the memories of us being together would definitely be locked away in your never-opened trunk.

Within this sorrow gap of time, the wound have stopped its bleed, things are going back to normal. The journey had led me to a few rose buds, which could bloom into beautiful roses, yet, nothing occurs. The solitary mind draws a barrier around and drown who's inside with loneliness, where the sense of belonging remains irrelevant. 

When a rose was plucked out of the soil, time will assure that the empty space will be filled. Then again, things could never be the same, as there will always be some traces left behind. Perhaps, life wasn't intended to be the same as before, it should be an improved version of the past. Sadly, words could came without much strength and actions, reality requires the fulfillment of requirements, especially the will, which could not be founded up until present time.

As if the mist on the glass, time blurs the pictures and the memories. However, what's known will remain known regardless how blur it gets, and the feeling remains as if the knowledge of the known. 

Solid evidences of the existence of our shared life should be removed, as some were, by a caring mother. Still, it is still preferred for the others to be kept, instead of being removed; the weight of heart increased, and stopped the intention of such act; they are kept, even knowing that they could never see the light again...

There's no more "if only...", just as there's no more hoping for future, with the excuse of passing things into God's hands. However, what's clear is the feeling - loneliness, which never left ever since that day. 

"I miss you. But I know it is just an one-way-route."

Inspired by The Fallin' Rain

Rain fell endlessly from the sky above. His sadness seems to be infinite, so does the weight rested on His heart. He's crying, whose tears were transformed into drops of rain.


It was a silent weep. No noise was made, except the noise of the drops reaches the earth and everything on it. But for a being on earth, that was enough to cover the crying occurred; a sound barrier that provides a private space for those who were in pain to reach in and let out.


For long, the weight carried lied hidden in one. Being too used to it somewhat erased the ability to let out. Perhaps it is of the reluctant to detach from an unusual company in soul, or perhaps it is of the pride of a man who is too much to be shed off. Hence, jealousy rose in him, towards Him and others like Him.


The loneliness from her departure, the sadness followed, and multiple emotions lined up next formed a chain on the heart and soul. Attempts were being made to break the chain, however, none would provide a truthful, lasting freedom...


Tiredness...became the end result of all these fruitless struggles and efforts.


But things won't happen without actions, even prayers would be included as an act. Thus, prayers were made to Him and it goes:
"Dear Lord, I am weak, tired, and fatten out. I feel sad, lonely, and regret. And thus, I pray upon Your might, to lift me of all these emotions that render my smile away. And thus, I pray upon You, to be by my side, my witness, and my strength to climb out this pit, along with the light You shed upon me. I know I am not alone at all. I have myself as company, I have You as company, and I have others as company. I love You and thank You."


Even though the tears couldn't fall on oneself, they could be expressed and carried out in other form. Expressions were meant to be made, not to be kept. Faith, love, and joy would be the best remedy. They might not be the key for the chain, but the chain will no longer be there when one is filled with positive(s).


"I love You and I admit it. However, as future is unknown, I could just wish for happiness and joy for both of us. Take care."