My bad

"It's not an agreement.."
"They won't like that.."
"...release tension.."

I know it may sounds rude but suddenly, the word "shut it" starts to cycle around my lips by that time I heard all these from him...

And so...I replied..

"..but I did finish my part, right?!"
"I don't know whether we can trust you all anymore.."
"Thank for your concern.."

Wait, one bonus reply..

"Sir, the next time I heard that, I'll be sure to bring along a witness and by then...I hope you will do sth on it.."

What position, what power, what others gonna do...
I ain't gonna lay any of my attention on those anymore; It's not that I don't care, it's I'm so used to it and I don't want to be a fool who wastes my time on these.. All I can do is just apologise, apologise that I ain't gonna play the little mind game that you all trying to play with me, apologise that I ain't gonna care a thing bout you all anymore..

I rather spend my time on something that I should or like to do; Study, spend quality time with the girl that caught my eyes, and some time on other things that I like to do. And thinking about this and that...frankly speaking, it's kinda awaste of time, don't you all think so? Huh?

Sir, I'm sorry for making things sound like it's your fault. I really do, I do feel sorry that the head need to bear all those rubbish that his helpers did..like my head who need to bear with what I did. Sorry to both of ya...but sorry again cause I ain't gonna do anything else but apologise. Say all you want then..




Sorry..

....

Slowly, the curtain of rain falls over the earth; Gracefully, it dances across the pathway in front of me . And with rhyme, it touches every inch of my skin.

It has been a while, a while since I ever sit under the falling tears of His. Watching drops by drops of tears slowly become clearly shown, as it's dropping from His gloomy face, reflecting the light when it falling pass the yellowish light of the street lamp beside me. Such view......it really has been a while since it shows in front of my eyes...

Inch by inch, it flows from the forehead to the chin of my face. Its pace is just same as the pace I closes my eyes, the pace I opens back my eyes..

Every drops of rain was clearly caught by my eyes and His gloomy face, a face without any cheerfulness... It just couldn't help stirring up my mind, making me wondered is that how your face looks like when I posted those questions to you. But still, it also questioned me, whether you're afraid? Whether you're blaming yourself? Or maybe..you're thinking you don't want to owe me anything, don't want to owe me when one day, we ended up in breaking apart...

Questions and guesses, they're all around my head, just like the beautiful stars in the night sky that I'm sitting under. Suddenly, I realise, I'm being confused with my mind and the solid reality around me; It's a beautiful night, but inside of me, the feeling of it is so strong, so strong till it confuses me...there's no rain at all on the outside, but it's a different story inside of me...

I feel the rain dances from my eyes to my chin. Rows by rows, it moves to my chin. And when I lift my finger and put on my cheek, my senses tell me it's not an imginary rain, it's not tears from Him, but......

Every splash of it puts me on a back-track mode; Everything about you, everything that happened to you, and everything that you did replay in front of my eyes. The soft voice of yours, the mesmerising eyes of yours, the cute face of yours, the sweet lips of yours, the warm touch of yours, the star-like smile of yours, and many other things bout you just reply in my mind...

"If only you're here, right in front of me right now..."
"...I'll hold you tight in my arms, and kiss you gently on your forehead.."
"...telling you how much you mean to me, telling you.."
"..how much I love you.."

There was plenty of times where I put you in a messed mind. I don't know why I'll be so sensitive towards every actions of yours, I don't know why I always behave like so......
It's true, that none of us has the ability to see the future and we won't know what is going to happen on the next second. But at this very moment, and I believe this will last forever in me, I do really love you cause the feeling comes so strong, so strong...

Slowly, I feel a touch is laid across my face; I open up my eyes with a hope it's you. But I know it won't be you, not this time. It's just a wind that sympathies me...trying to comfort me..
In my mind, the quiet is broken by the cry of His. But in reality, the quiet around the park is being broken by......

The word "break up" feels like repeatative stabs, randomly stabbed into every inch oy my body. And I don't know whether I can bear the pain if one day, what I said really comes true...I'm not confidenced that I can deal with those blows in my life.

The feeling is already so strong when I typed it out to you in that question of mine. And I really hope, that you'll sound confirm that it won't happen. You sound confidenced that it won't happen. But then, perhaps...I'm hoping for something that...noone can guarantee me or convince me with..

The uncertainty in your words...
The thought of you..
The "break up" in my question..

They all make up to be a powerful spell, a spell that tells me how much you mean to me, a spell that makes the rainny day of mine...

The sky started to get brighter by second, and I know I should keep the imaginary rain of mine remains in my imagination...I stand up to witness the rise of the "happy face of yours", inside me, I bear a hope, a hope that tells me this will last long..a hope that defines every stupid thoughts of mine..a hope that one day, one day, I'll be able to watch the sunrise together...a hope..

The sleepy sun is greeted, by the leaving shadow of mine..and the hope I bear...




sorry to make you worry bout me all these time..
sorry if i ever make you sad..


I trust you, Hui Xin..
n I love you, girl..you'll always be my girl..
..Xin,
You mean alot to me..you really do~

L.U.

Ya go..in...
out..of my heart..
n it ma..ke..s..me wonder,
ya got the key?
key of me body?
Mayb i left it to ya..
when i kissed ya..
or mayb u get it..
along with he..art..
In...inside, inside..
Wat ya see? Or how ya feel?
Sh..oc..ked? Or..
both thrilled n happy?
Walk..ing in..side..
Ya feel like walking into..
gal..le..ry?
Gallery filled with ya picS..
Or mu..s...eum?
Stored the vi..deos..
of ya s..mi..les...
of ya vo..i..ce..
D..o..n't..think..
there's a..n..
ending on this pathway..
N..e..ver..
tryna de..ni..ed..
ya love me..
n i k..now..
i love ya..too..
n i s..we..ar..

So..
mind to be..co..me..
my for..ever girl?
Juz..juz..
let me love ya..
l..et me ca..re

Pl..ea..se..
pl..ea..se..
gi..rl,
give the answer..
give it to m..e..
s..ay yes t..o me..
receive me re..qu..est..



Juz..
Tell me the answer i wanna hear..
k, baby girl?

my apology

These days, issues're coming up and down like the raging sea; Settled this, and the next moment when i think everything's falling on the right track, another issue pops up. After that, another comes up again...sometimes, i just can't help myself but to wonder, what the hell is happening to my life? Am i a cursed being or what??

How much i wish to shout out, shout out those desperation and frustration in me..but somehow, my logical side's too strong to allow me to fall into that fanstasy. Maybe cause it knows, i won't want to head to the exit and run away from everything...

I admit, i do make a mistake and i do steps across the line of rules, i did bend it somehow. But why when i did change, noone noticed it? Why people always caught me when the whole thing is just a misunderstanding? But then, i guess....all of those will be thought as excuses anyway, n i don't want to run away from anything stored by others, i don't want to put any of this to use cause i don't want give myself anymore space to give out anymore excuses..

"One that always find excuses for himself will never be successful.."

That was what i learnt from someone i respect the most, a teacher that stood behind me before, a teacher that laid enormous hope on me back then. Still...the whole story ended with me crushing those hopes of his, locking him inside a jail of disappointment...

There was one very day, i was advised to resign of the board; The teacher told me that i lost the whole thing already and people everywhere bears a hatred-heart towards me..and it got me bothered, bothered quite alot even till this very second while i'm typing this..

At first, i did intend to resign but then again, i know myself won't be satisfied just like that, i know clearly that i won't take a step behind and go down to these words of theirs, even it means i have to disappoint him again..even though i know, i won't have anymore chance to talk to him anymore once i have choosen this path that i'm walking on right now..

Every words of his that day, marked deep in my heart; I never see him sounded so disappointed, i never expect him to suggest me to resign...

If i followed his suggestion that day, the other issue that wraps me like a snake won't happen; I won't have to go through this..i won't have to receive another punishment for sth tht i....

Am i regret? U may ask...

But everyone knows, it's a lie if one tells u he or she doesn't feel regret over any decision..cause regrets always come to haunt us when our decision ends up with a lousy ending. But then again, another teacher taught me, always staying in a regret-mode, always looking back won't help one to move on and handle what he or she's facing..in fact, it'll just bring him down hard..

Sorry, sir..i know i did disappoint u alot. N sorry, sir...i chosed not to listen to ur suggestion. I understand this path that i chosed is one that i'll have to walk on it alone..like u said, i always hide behind people when sth happened..so, now..if they want to shoot me down, i'll just say...

"Try ur best.."

And all those people that hate me, i don't know whether u all are envy bout me, or i got a big issue with u all..but then again, i apologise that i ever make u all so darn pissed to back-stab me..i know u all won't do that if u all aren't that worked out over me..i'm sorry..i really do...

Still..i apologise for another time..cause when this little piece of article ends, i'll have to say...

"I don't care a shit bout how u all see me or what u all plan to do with me..cause, if u wanna start the darn game, i'll just say..lay it on.."

Sorry..u all are no longer a piece of disturbance in my mind...and i won't hope u all to forgive me or stop ur small actions cause if u all are feeling better doing so..please do so..that's the least i can do for u all, right?

Sorry again..to everyone..

Struggle Within

Days have passed since I lifted up my spirit and confronted with the teachers. Days have passed, and the result was announced. It didn't change much; The post was still with him, and I was being placed firmly on the throne of a new post......a new post that created by teachers.

All type of unhappy faces flashed across my eyes when it ended up that way. It just made me wonder, question the right and wrong of my action. It......was inpolite to bear the thought to shoot someone down from the tree of the board, no need to mention carrying that intention out...

I guess, people around just marked a thought that I'm that kind of guy who refuses to admit my lost......and may be, may be I am what they think or I am not. Who knows and who can decide who's right or wrong......caused even the one involved didn't know how to lay out a statement about this.

Slowly, things started to settle down and the curtain started to fall. And the adding issue, started to shine and caught everyone's attention. Many of people go against it, and so, the war started to roam freely among us.

My head wished to cancel out all the added post. Actually, not only him. It's everyone's view, including mine...

I started my war caused I wanted to fix the whole thing and lend him a hand in everyway I can; It was the reason that I took up my pistol and started to shoot at that guy......caused I know, and I dare to say, his stay won't help at all and may be even ruin the whole thing, bringing it down when it was already in worst condition.

I know, when people hear this from me, all kind of opinions will come out and mostly......are aiming at me, critising me.

It's true...I'm not very good. And it's true...I'm not right. But who decides whether the whole thing is right or wrong? Teachers? Me? You? Or even the head? Using the love of mine towards prefectorial board, I fought my war and even if it didn't end out to be the way I wanted to, and he was still relaxing on his throne......I was glad that I was given a chance to fix the whole thing, given a chance to reset the whole thing before it reaches the no-return-state.

But now, my intention to help out my friend, who is the head cornered me in a tight spot. His first task was to cancel out all the new-added-post and mine happened to be one of the four.

In others' eyes, I wasn't hopeless. But those who know the reason why a new post was added for me, instead of me taking over that turd's post will have a clear mind of what's going to happen to me if his first task is able to be finalised...

The exit of my dream is right in front of me; Walking through it may cause my dream to crumble before it even started to be carried out...but it will surely help my head to finish his first task and set our influence on the right track again. If I decide to stand still in front of the exit, my post will most probably still with me, my dream will definately share a chance to be realised and I'll be able to fix the whole thing like the hope I was holding when I entered a confrontation with all those people...but......it goes against my wish to help out my head, goes against my aim of getting rid of that clown.

I wonder what others will do, or may be......it's clear what others will do. It's just they don't dare to show it to others...

For this far, I walked my way up here. And now, I was trapped caused of the source of my strenght and courage for this long struggle...I'm really ignorant, very ignorant about what should I do in this very moment...